Category: Silliness

First Person to Say Something Coherent Loses

Man: All I’m saying is that if Jesus was beautiful on the inside, he was beautiful on the outside, so I know he had ladies looking at him.

Bimbette #1: Well, I know everything began in Africa.

Bimbette #2: That’s right. You know they have the indentation in Africa where the devil landed? They built a church over it to try to make it holy. I saw it on The Exorcist.

–4 train

Overheard in New York

Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy

NewMexiKen has struck it rich. I can’t hardly believe my good fortune.

I’ll send the info as soon as I can make a copy of my passport. Oh, I probably should send along my Social Security number, too.

Here’s the details I got in an email this morning:

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA

CENTRAL BANK OFNIGERIA

FROM OFFICE OF THE
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
E-mail:soludo_1234567_charles @yahoo.comATTENTION; FRIEND IMMEDIATE
CONTRACT PAYMENTCONTRACT #:
MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009.

ATTENTION; FRIEND,
From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the
federal government of Nigeria. Your name and company was discovered as
next on the list of the outstanding contractors who have not received
their payments.
I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be
released to you as soon as you respond to this letter.
Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract payment
is us$65.7 million dollars(sixty five million seven hundred thousand
united states dollars).
Please re-confirm to me if this is inline with what you have in your
record and also re-confirm to me the followings for record verification
and proper documentation to avoid future embarassment.
1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) company name,position and address.
4)profession, age and marital status.
5) Copy of int’l passport.
As soon as this informations are received, your payment will be made to
you in a certified bank draft from central bank of Nigeria and a copy will
be given to you for you to take to your bank and confirm it.
Best Regards,

Prof Charles Soludo.
Executive Governor,Central Bank Of Nigeria.vv]

I Would Pick Oxygen

Dork #1: So what’s your favorite element?

Dork #2: Ummm… I guess rhodium.

Dork #1: Rhodium, huh? Mine’s osmium. Why wouldn’t you pick chromium or cobalt?

Dork #2: I’m not sure. I just like rhodium.

–Madison Square Park

— Overheard in New York

NewMexiKen is partial to oxygen, especially in combination with nitrogen.

Four from before

Welcome to Road Trip USA

Detailed travel info for 11 road trips. Well done.

Besides, any web site that says this is OK with me: “Though it’s less than half the size of Phoenix, Tucson is at least twice as nice a place to visit. With a lively university community, and some of the most beautiful desert landscapes anywhere on earth, and more palpable history than anywhere in the Southwest outside New Mexico, Tucson is well worth taking the time to get to know.”

SI’s Top 20 Venues of the 20th Century

1. Yankee Stadium
2. Augusta National
3. Michie Stadium (West Point)
4. Cameron Indoor Stadium
5. Bislett Stadium (Oslo)
6. Wrigley Field
7. Roland Garros
8. Lambeau Field
9. Fenway Park
10. Saratoga Race Course
11. Pebble Beach
12. Wembley Stadium
13. The Pit
14. Boston Marathon Course
15. Camden Yards
16. Lamade Stadium (Williamsport, PA)
17. Daytona International Speedway
18. Notre Dame Stadium
19. St. Andrews
20. Rose Bowl

Kansas Is Flatter Than a Pancake

The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project

Never have your photo taken then become famous

Bill Gates Strikes a Pose for Teen Beat Photospread (ca. 1984).

Or take a look at this mug shot from NewMexiKen’s very own Albuquerque Police Department. Surely you will recognize Albuquerque’s most famous short-term resident. The arrest in 1977 was related to a traffic violation.

From the Santa Fe New Mexican, the original Microsoft team in Albuquerque (1978). Story here.

And here is the official current Microsoft photo and bio.

Household hint

Another in a series of household hints based upon NewMexiKen’s personal experience.

NewMexiKen likes a hard-boiled egg time and again. The best approach I’ve found is to start the eggs in cold water, bring them to a boil, then cook at a lower heat for 14-15 minutes.

Bringing the eggs to a rapid boil, forgetting about them for an hour, and having all the water boil away does not appear to work as well.

All hints now consolidated on one page.

‘My Easter Bunny Can Rise From the Dead.’

Helpful Tips for Fighting and Winning the War on Easter by J. Chris Rock. Here’s two:

Tip No. 3

Have each member of your family write a letter every day to Just Born, Inc., makers of PEEPS. Suggest they make PALMS instead, marshmallow fronds that deliciously celebrate Christ’s triumphant return to Jerusalem. Great writing exercise for the kids!

Tip No. 5

Mothers, throw that “Easter” bonnet your child brought home from art class right in the trash. They’ll cry (trust me on this one), but tell them that if they really loved Mommy they’d make you a crown of thorns out of a paper plate.

Household hint

Another in a series of household hints based upon NewMexiKen’s personal experience.

If you decide to have BLTs for dinner and if you go to the store specifically to buy L (lettuce) for the BLTs, and you pick out a nice head of L and put it in your cart, it’s also a good idea to make certain the checker actually bags the L after she rings it up.

BTs, while tasty, are not as tasty as BLTs.

Other hints here, here, here, here, here and here.

Why Eat Peeps at Easter?

How the marshmallow chicks found Jesus.

Candy historians speculate that the Peeps’ link to Easter has more to do with the pagan origins of the holiday than its Christian roots. Eggs, and consequently chicks, are a long-standing symbol of fertility and rebirth, an appropriate image for a holiday that celebrates the coming of spring. Originally part of a pagan fertility ritual symbolizing new life, the egg became incorporated into Easter as pagan rites were absorbed into Christianity with the Christianization of Central Europe.

NewMexiKen believes that bunny Peeps are heresy. True Peeps are chicks and yellow. Period.

It’s Okay, Di Fi, We Like Phantom Planet Too

During Judiciary Committee Mark-up this morning, [Senator] Dianne Feinstein’s cellphone went off while she was giving her statement on comprehensive immigration reform.

Her ringtone? “California,” the theme from “The OC.”

Wonkette

We’ve been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from

Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

California!
Here we come!

Subversive cross stitch

In this wicked little book, Julie Jackson reinvents the age-old craft of cross-stitch, finally putting an end to all that saccharine sentimentalism and giving modern stitchers the chance to say what’s really on their minds. Stitch up Bitch in Kitchen for a heartfelt housewarming gift. Spread cheer with the ever-festive “Bite Me”. Or whip up “This Place Sucks” for a cherished co-worker.

More about the book.

Link via kottke.org