From 1869 to 1975, the Federal Vampire & Zombie Agency (FVZA), also known as the Vampire National Guard (Vanguard), was responsible for controlling the nation’s vampire and zombie populations while overseeing scientific research into the undead.
- Ella Fitzgerald or Billie Holiday
- Babe Ruth or Ty Cobb
- George Washington or Abraham Lincoln
- Jimmy Fallon or Stephen Colbert (or Kimmel)
- Lt. Van Buren or Jack McCoy
- Elizabeth I or Elizabeth II
- Cary Grant or Clark Gable
- Mary Kate or Ashley
- Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense
- Elvis Presley or Bob Dylan
- Bill Gates or Steve Jobs
- Ernest Hemingway or John Steinbeck
- Katharine Hepburn or Meryl Streep
- Adam or Eve
- Eleanor Roosevelt or Jackie Kennedy
- General Grant or General Lee
- Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein
- Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez
- St. Peter or St. Paul
- Charlie Brown or Dilbert
The top 10 reasons people don’t use turn signals —
10. I prefer to remain aloof and mysterious.
9. I find it easier to just leave one turn signal on all the time.
8. I don’t wear seat belts either.
7. I’m not from around here.
6. It’s my tax dollars that built these roads and I can turn wherever I want whenever I want
5. I would use turn signals, but every time I try the windshield wipers come on instead.
4. Our Christian Founding Fathers didn’t use turn signals.
3. The dog in my lap ate my turn signal lever.
2. The click-click-click sound messes up the thump-thump-thump of my bass woofer.
And the number one reason people don’t use turn signals,
I’m texting and drinking coffee and I don’t have three hands.
If you’d like to become rich, NewMexiKen suggests you invent the self-cleaning refrigerator. I don’t mean the self-defrosting refrigerator, although lord knows that was a breakthrough right up there with Velcro. No, I mean self-cleaning: throws out the time-dated food, cleans up the nasty spills underneath the produce drawers, refreshes the ice bin (some of those cubes may be old enough for geologists to take core samples).
As you might gather I just cleaned out my refrigerator. Just a cursory wipe out and jettison of the older stuff. It doesn’t really need a super cleaning. Hell, I’ve only lived here 7-1/2 years.
There was some strange stuff in there though, stuck in the back. A loose egg. I wonder where that came from. Better yet, I wonder when that came from. There were some spills of food that really didn’t look familiar. Must have been from the previous owners.
Why, you say, did I get the impulse to clean my refrigerator early on Saturday morning? (Go ahead, say it.) It was either that or address these damn Christmas cards.
Sad commentary: NewMexiKen’s two produce drawers contain a total of one-half lime. Of course, one-half lime is enough to wet several Margarita glass rims.
First posted six years ago. Little has changed except I no longer bother with Christmas cards. Christmas tweets will do just fine.
“Willie Nelson is 77 years old. He’s producing amazing music and touring almost constantly with acts a quarter his age. He raises more money for charity than anyone else in Texas. He has a black belt in taekwondo and plays pretty good golf. He’s on his fourth wife, having pooped-out all the other ones. He’s still making movies, and he won a Grammy last year. He’ll be 78 in three months.
“He is a walking advertisement for marijuana use.”
Juanita Jean’s commenting on Willie’s arrest.
The Border Patrol, keeping our homeland safe from Willie Nelson.
First posted two years ago today.