Category: Humor

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: “Bow wow wow, bow wow wow.”

The clerk says, “You can add another ‘Bow wow’ for the same price.”

The dog responded, “Now wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

“But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

“Oh, that’s no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

“Give me two good reasons why I should go to school.”

“One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school.”

Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other, “That gal there is having a bad time!” The other agreed and said, “Think we should go help?” “You bet,” said the first, and with that, he ran over and said, “Can you breathe?” She shook her head no. He said, “Can you speak?” She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe–with great relief.

The redneck walked back to his friend and said, “Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works.”

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

“I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”

Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fucking Goofy!”

“While I was watching the sweet sixteen college basketball games, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

“She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.”

First posted here two years ago. Originally in an email sent to Debby.

NewMexiKen first posted this four years ago after Debby had posted it elsewhere:

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After she finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

This story has been around the Internet since at least 1995. According to the Urban Legends Reference Pages —

Although it might possibly have earlier antecedents as yet unknown to us, the origin of this tale appears to be a joke Johnny Carson included in his Tonight Show monologue on the evening of 22 July 1969, two days after Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men to set foot on the surface of the moon.

“Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president, which also explains his choice for vice president, Hannah Montana.”

“Hey, did you hear about this? The Pentagon ordered a full inventory of our nuclear arsenal to see what’s missing. Wait, now we can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.”

‘Cause it’s good to have the writers back.

There’s some hope, though. According to the San Gabriel Tribune, because of the high price of crude, drilling for oil in LA is profitable. Once again, Los Angeles could see oil wells popping up all over the place. A lot of people say the oil wells would be an eyesore. But, they say not to worry because they’re going to disguise them as cell phone towers.

No, they say Los Angeles could become a major oil-producing region, just like the Middle East. Only, of course, more violent.

And the Department of Homeland Security deported 280,000 illegal immigrants last year. And listen to this. They’re getting tough. They’re threatening to deport them again this year.

Hey, I’ve been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. Boy, it’s really good. You know, it’s fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They’re all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain.

— Jay Leno

There’s a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question No. 1: Is your spouse a governor?

Vice President Dick Cheney. You know where he is right now? He’s in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said it’s a “successful endeavor.” At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.

How about the economy? George Bush earlier today reassured the country about the economy. He said, “I’m on top of it,” and I said to myself, well, that’s good enough for me.

— David Letterman

Eliot was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Eliot decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Eliot.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Eliot soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Eliot. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have ‘rough sex’.”

Again, Eliot thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Eliot and tore him a new one. Although he survived, it took several months before Eliot fully recovered.

Now Eliot was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Eliot, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished.
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

First posted here two years ago.

“For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think?

Kevin Slota, Optometrist: “My goodness, that means that two out of every 100 adults are failures as parents.”

The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

“I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets ticketed for mowing under the influence. McCain looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. McCain looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. McCain looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine. McCain looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote.”

— David Letterman