Category: Silliness

O Tannenbaum

I see that Costco has cut Christmas trees for sale again this year. They look like nice trees too — Noble Fir — and a decent price.

But you have to buy a pack of six trees.

See? See What Happens!

Been coughing my way into, through and now, hopefully, out of a URI (Upper Respiratory Infection) the past nine days. Just a cold in layman’s terms I think, but nasty.

Been reluctant to go out much for fear of getting caught in a crowd with a fall-down, bent-over, gagging, turning-blue coughing attack. Finally I decided I would just carry a card to distribute as I recovered my breath and dignity.

MY MOM DIDN’T HAVE ME VACCINATED

Fall Back

God may have given us the 24 hour day, but it took humans to create something even better.

The 25 hour day.

I hope you are enjoying the longest two-day weekend of the year.

[Not valid in Arizona or Hawaii.]

Boo

How come there’s no witch emoji?

“Typical memories. But as I recall, the special excitement of Halloween didn’t come from candy or costumes or dark, whispery streets. The overwhelming thrill came from going out of the house at night and wandering freely around the neighborhood with no parents.

“Halloween was a night of incredible freedom.”

R.L. Stine, “Scariest Sight on Halloween? Grown-Ups”

NewMexiKen could probably still identify the house that gave away packages of Krun-Chee potato chips when I was a seven or eight years old. And that someone in that same block gave out full size candy bars. Now granted, a full size candy bar in those days cost just a nickel, but “a dollar’s worth” was a common gasoline purchase then, too.

Before I lived in my present kid-less neighborhood, back when the kids would come up to the door and say “trick or treat,” I’d say “OK, I’ll take the trick” and just look at them for a few seconds before dishing out the candy. The little brats would just stare back, dumbfounded and totally clueless about dealing with an unpredictable situation.

I’m lucky I wasn’t arrested.

Harry Houdini died 89 years ago today. From the New York Times obituary, which is well worth reading.

DETROIT, Oct. 31.–Harry Houdini, world famous as a magician, a defier of locks and sealed chests and an exposer of spiritualist frauds, died here this afternoon after a week’s struggle for life, in which he underwent two operations.

Death was due to peritonitis, which followed the first operation, that for appendicitis. The second operation was performed last Friday. Like a newly discovered serum, used for the first time in Houdini’s case, it was of no avail.

Whatever the methods by which Harry Houdini deceived a large part of the world for nearly four decades, his career stamped him as one of the greatest showmen of modern times. In his special field of entertainment he stood alone. With a few minor exceptions, he invented all his tricks and illusions, and in certain instances only his four intimate helpers knew the solution. In one or two very important cases Houdini, himself, alone knew the whole secret.

Houdini was born on March 24, 1874. His name originally was Eric Weiss and he was the son of a rabbi. He did not take the name Harry Houdini until he had been a performer for many years. Legend has it that he opened his first lock when he wanted a piece of pie in the kitchen closet. It is certain that when scarcely more than a baby he showed skill as an acrobat and contortionist, and both these talents helped his start in the show business and his later development as an “escape king.”

Trick or Treat

Whom Would You Rather Be?

  1. Ella Fitzgerald or Billie Holiday
  2. Babe Ruth or Ty Cobb
  3. George Washington or Abraham Lincoln
  4. Jimmy Fallon or Stephen Colbert (or Kimmel)
  5. Lt. Van Buren or Jack McCoy
  6. Elizabeth I or Elizabeth II
  7. Cary Grant or Clark Gable
  8. Mary Kate or Ashley
  9. Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense
  10. Elvis Presley or Bob Dylan
  11. Bill Gates or Steve Jobs
  12. Ernest Hemingway or John Steinbeck
  13. Katharine Hepburn or Meryl Streep
  14. Adam or Eve
  15. Eleanor Roosevelt or Jackie Kennedy
  16. General Grant or General Lee
  17. Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein
  18. Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez
  19. St. Peter or St. Paul
  20. Charlie Brown or Dilbert

Signal? Who me?

The top 10 reasons people don’t use turn signals —

10. I prefer to remain aloof and mysterious.

9. I find it easier to just leave one turn signal on all the time.

8. I don’t wear seat belts either.

7. I’m not from around here.

6. It’s my tax dollars that built these roads and I can turn wherever I want whenever I want

5. I would use turn signals, but every time I try the windshield wipers come on instead.

4. Our Christian Founding Fathers didn’t use turn signals.

3. The dog in my lap ate my turn signal lever.

2. The click-click-click sound messes up the thump-thump-thump of my bass woofer.

And the number one reason people don’t use turn signals,

I’m texting and drinking coffee and I don’t have three hands.

I Actually Still Call It an Icebox

If you’d like to become rich, NewMexiKen suggests you invent the self-cleaning refrigerator. I don’t mean the self-defrosting refrigerator, although lord knows that was a breakthrough right up there with Velcro. No, I mean self-cleaning: throws out the time-dated food, cleans up the nasty spills underneath the produce drawers, refreshes the ice bin (some of those cubes may be old enough for geologists to take core samples).

As you might gather I just cleaned out my refrigerator. Just a cursory wipe out and jettison of the older stuff. It doesn’t really need a super cleaning. Hell, I’ve only lived here 7-1/2 years.

There was some strange stuff in there though, stuck in the back. A loose egg. I wonder where that came from. Better yet, I wonder when that came from. There were some spills of food that really didn’t look familiar. Must have been from the previous owners.

Why, you say, did I get the impulse to clean my refrigerator early on Saturday morning? (Go ahead, say it.) It was either that or address these damn Christmas cards.

Sad commentary: NewMexiKen’s two produce drawers contain a total of one-half lime. Of course, one-half lime is enough to wet several Margarita glass rims.

First posted six years ago. Little has changed except I no longer bother with Christmas cards. Christmas tweets will do just fine.

I’ll Have What He’s Having

“Willie Nelson is 77 years old.  He’s producing amazing music and touring almost constantly with acts a quarter his age.  He raises more money for charity than anyone else in Texas.  He has a black belt in taekwondo and plays pretty good golf.  He’s on his fourth wife, having pooped-out all the other ones.  He’s still making movies, and he won a Grammy last year.  He’ll be 78 in three months.

“He is a walking advertisement for marijuana use.”

Juanita Jean’s commenting on Willie’s arrest.

The Border Patrol, keeping our homeland safe from Willie Nelson.

First posted two years ago today.

NewMexiKen Household Hint

If you drop a bowl of Cinnamon Life and milk on the kitchen tile floor it will shatter and scatter.

If you drop a bowl of Cinnamon Life and milk on the dining room carpet, the result will be milk soaking in and a much bigger mess.

I personally prefer to drop a bowl of Cinnamon Life and milk on the cusp between the tile and carpet. The tile will assure the ceramic bowl breaks and scatters shards everywhere. The carpet will maximize your milk and soggy cereal cleanup pleasure.