“Martha Stewart is under house arrest, and there’s a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha’s whereabouts.
“Nothing yet on al Qaeda.”
*****
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s March Madness. Lots of upsets. Robert Blake now advances to face the Scott Peterson jury.”
From 3M, a project from the Duct Tape Workshop:
Most people agree that Duct Tape can save you money on costly repair bills but did you know that you could create a wallet to hold all of the money you’ve saved? It’s not as difficult as it sounds and in just a few simple steps, you could be the proud owner of this year’s most important fashion statement (“Duct Tape is my life”?).
You’ll need:
a roll of Scotch® Duct Tape,
a utility knife,
a ruler
background music (optional)
but soon grew weary of his blather about Target and Gnat, Gnatterings is just what you need. From the mind of TBogg.
Besides, it’s got the Best line of the day, so far:
“I took a hard look at Daddee and decided that genetics was not going to be my friend.”
Functional Ambivalent goes on a rant:
Somehow I missed this, but Farm Accident Digest saved the day:
Travellers arriving at Luton Airport are to be greeted with the lyrics of John Lennon’s “All You Need Is Love”.The words of the Beatles’ hit are to be written on the walls of the arrivals walkway after being voted the greatest words of all time in an internet poll.
The greatest words of all time? They’re not even the greatest Beatles lyrics of all time. In fact, they’re barely the best lyrics on “Yellow Submarine,” and that album sucked. There’s nothing particularly poetic about “All You Need is Love,” and the sentiment itself is hippie treacle. Yuck.
All I need, right now, is three fingers of unambiguous bourbon.
Oh, and by the way: Beatles Discography is a great site.
“See, here’s my feelings on this whole thing – if Michael Jackson wants to have sex with kids, he should do what other people do and become a teacher.”
“What did Michael Jackson tell the priest? ‘Hey, I saw him first.'”
Jay Leno
From Dave Barry:
So I took my daughter to soccer practice this evening, and another dad and I were talking to one of the moms, whom we both know and whom we have both seen roughly once a week for the past six months. After we talked for about 10 minutes, a second mom showed up, and immediately said to the mom we’d been talking to: “YOU HAD YOUR BABY!” And then they hugged, and the new mom got out baby pictures. And the other dad and I looked at each other and realized that not only had we failed to notice that she’d had a baby, but we had been at most only dimly aware that she had been pregnant. We apologized, and she assured us that it was no big deal. Women are accustomed to the cluelessness of guys in these matters.
The thing is, if she had shown up carrying a cool new cell phone, we would have noticed that.
Functional Ambivalent has a take on Martha’s First Day Back at the Office. Some are pretty funny.
“I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher.”
Jay Leno
“We have had thirty-two inches of rain. Thirty-two inches! Oh, my God. Has anybody seen Gary Coleman?”
“A lot of people don’t know how to react here. Like today Jessica Simpson was seen running to lower ground.”
Jay Leno
“I want [to be President] so I can arrive at my high-school reunion in a motorcade.”
Doonesbury character Uncle Duke during his 2000 presidential campaign.
“Now Bush, Clinton, and Al Gore have all admitted to smoking marijuana. This is kind of like a presidential version of the Doobie Brothers.”
“The seven-year-old Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming. See I don’t think President Bush quite understands this. Like today when they asked him about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush says he much prefers the Camry.”
“According to ‘Variety,’ Disney is now working on a prequel to ‘Peter Pan.’ In this story Peter tries to recover a trunk full of magical stuff before it falls into the hands of the Santa Barbara District Attorney.”
“The NBA All Star Game was yesterday and L.A. fans got a chance to root for their favorite Laker. The bad news it’s still Shaq.”
— Jay Leno
“Have you seen the big Gates exhibit in Central Park? Everyone is going crazy about it. The most commonly heard phrase heard about the Gates is, ‘Thank God that was free.'”
— David Letterman
Google Maps – miserable failure in washington dc
NewMexiKen could think of a few addresses to add.
Idea from kottke.
“A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife’s trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award.”
Jay Leno
1. Houston: We Have a Problem… Buttoning Our Jeans!
2. Detroit: Mo’ Town — Mo’ Pie! Mo’ Pudding! Mo’ Cake!
3. New York: Hey, I’m EATIN’ Here!
4. Philadelphia: The City of Blubbery Love Handles
5. Indianapolis: The 500 Ain’t Just a Race — It’s Our LDL Cholesterol Level.
6. Las Vegas: C’mon, Baby, Papa Needs a New Pair of Pants
7. Phoenix: But It’s a Dry Fat
8. Wichita: Where Everyone Looks Like a Lineman
9. El Paso: Out in the West Texas Town of El Paso, I Fell In Love With a Mexican Grill
10. New Orleans: Show Us Your Man-Boobs!
11. Chicago: The Winded City
12. San Antonio: Remember the A La Mode!
13. Memphis: Barbecue — It’s What’s for Breakfast
14. Houston: We Have a Pork Chop
15. Chicago: That Waddlin’ Town
From The Edge in The Oregonian. Thanks to Lee for the pointer.
NewMexiKen doesn’t know why Houston made the list twice. Here’s the actual list.
The new carpet makes me feel so good, I’m depressed I didn’t replace the old stuff sooner.
From Dave Barry’s Blog —
Hey, blogsters —
Sorry I haven’t posted lately, but I am with my family and Ridley’s family aboard a Disney cruise ship, called “The Magical World of 500,000 Shrieking Children.” There have been many highlights, the most dramatic being when somebody threw up in the Goofy pool. Really. When this happened, there were about 15,000 shrieking children in the Goofy pool, which is about the size of a ping-pong table, so it was very exciting.
Also, on the island of St. Martin, we and many other Disney cruisers experienced “European style” sunbathing, which involves random people getting extremely naked. Tragically, these were NOT people that anybody wanted to see naked. I think the people on the beach should be allowed to vote on who gets naked, and who does not.
That’s all from the magical world of the sea.
Onion Love Coupons. Caveat: Some funny, some not. Some tasteless.
“If they lift the ban on cell-phone use, they better lift the ban on passengers beating the shit out of each other, too.”
What Do You Think? from The Onion
“The state of Virginia has now passed a law that calls for a $50 fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manor. They’re calling this new law ‘Just say no to crack.'”
“Imagine that you can’t show your underwear in Virginia. Let me tell you something — the plumbers union is really going to fight this one! They have their lobbyists in Washington right now.”
Jay Leno
(Maybe the lobbyists should go to Richmond, but whatever.)
“When President Bush gave his State of the Union speech, he announced that the person heading up an offensive on gangs would be his wife, Laura Bush. Today the first lady announced the name of her anti-gang program: Just Say Yo.”
— Jay Leno
From tequila mockingbird, mother and daughter discuss the National Museum of the American Indian — sorta. It begins:
“so, i went to the museum of the american indian a couple of weeks ago.”
“you did? how was it? i hope they didn’t screw them on their museum. the least they could do is give them a decent museum.”
“the cafeteria is awesome! really, it’s so cool. …”
Read it all.
From perhaps the cutest named blog of them all, tequila mockingbird, a “memo to the old dude who was obviously in town for the inauguration.”
welcome to our nation’s capital! i see you are taking the advice to make use of our mass transit system during your visit. i offer here just a few tips to help make your experience more pleasant.
– do not take one step off of the escalator and then promptly stop dead in your tracks. perhaps this is unique to the escalators here in d.c., but we’re not a one-person-gets-to-ride-all-the-way-up-to-the-top-before-anyone-else-gets-on system. there are people behind you. immediately behind you. please step aside so as to get the hell out of everyone’s way. and while we’re on the subject: stand right. walk left.
– this is not a “monorail.” it is a subway. well, sort of. anyway, it is not a “monorail.” this is not disney world. please stop calling it “the monorail.”
– please refrain from asking at every stop “is this our stop?” remember how, at the last stop, that exasperated guy beside you said, “you have about eight more stops to go”? well, it’s only been one. that means you now have seven more to go. the evil democrats did not sneak the metric system in on us while you weren’t paying attention. eight minus one is still seven.
– see how all of the people who are not wearing fanny packs are very quiet? yes? these people are called “commuters.” they ride “the monorail” every day. this is holy time for them. quiet time. this is the last window of silent solace they have before being pitched into the fifth circle of hell that is their job. they read. they listen to music. they meditate. a few of them even attend to their personal grooming, although, really, that’s disgusting and we wish they wouldn’t do that. here’s one thing they do not do: talk.
– one more thing they do not do: put their feet up on the seat in front of them. there are a couple of reasons for this. one is that we operate on a one-ass-one-seat rule here. there are going to be lots of people on “the monorail.” they would all like to sit down. also, people don’t want to sit on a seat that has been all dirtied up by your big-ass cowboy boots with slush all over them.
– please stop your incessant talk about how easy it would be to “blow this thing up.” the “commuters” know this. they try not to think about it. you’re not helping.
– please stop asking “is it cold enough for you?” this is true not only on “the monorail,” but just in general. and by “just in general” i mean any time or place.
– it is not amusing to look at someone reading imperial hubris and say, “well, i guess someone isn’t going to the inauguration today,” and then laugh really loudly while elbowing said person. seriously. you should stop this right now.