Category: Humor

Sideline Chatter

A couple of items from this morning’s Sideline Chatter in The Seattle Times:

  • The police box score from this year’s annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota reads 388 arrests — 188 for drunken driving, 162 for drug misdemeanors and 38 for drug felonies — and 1,250 citations, AP reported.

    “In other words,” wrote Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press, “it’s like a Portland Trail Blazers season, only with Harley Davidsons.”

  • Ted Wyman of the Winnipeg Sun, on Rafael Palmeiro’s dwindling credibility: “Right about now, Raffy could tell us Roger Clemens has a good fastball, Alex Rodriguez can hit for power and the outfield grass is green — and we’d have to go for a second opinion.”

Judging quality in a restaurant

NewMexiKen’s list of the top ten reasons to chose another restaurant if you want to impress your date or customer:

10. You pay before you eat

9. You pay after you eat, but you stand in line and pay a cashier

8. More men eating with caps/hats on than those without caps/hats

7. The piped-in-music is louder than the TVs

6. Soup served with soup spoon already in soup

5. They fill the condiments while you’re at the table

4. Menu includes photos of the food

3. Menu includes samples of the food stuck to pages

2. They wipe your table with a wet rag

And the number one reason to chose another restaurant if you want to impress your date or customer

They wipe the seats of the chairs with the same rag

(First posted a year ago.)

In the news

Joel Achenbach, with all the news you need to know:

President Bush has taken advantage of the Senate recess to appoint John Bolton as Ambassador to the United Nations. He has also appointed his daughters, Barbara and Jenna, as ambassadors to the Turks and Caicos, respectively. He is considering using his powers to enact a “recess tax cut” on the wealthy, but denies rumors that he is on the verge of a “recess invasion” of Cuba.

Oil prices spiked to 61 dollars a barrel on the news [of King Fahd’s death], though I know a place in Virginia where you can still get it for just 57. It’s worth the drive.

My own strategy for dealing with gas prices is to put $20 in the car every time I go to the gas station. That way, gas prices are steady. They do not fluctuate in the slightest. Why no one else has caught onto this, and why the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Energy refuses to take my calls, is a mystery.

I can’t get no

“Do you know that the Rolling Stones are actually lowering their ticket prices for the upcoming tour? I guess they finally realized a lot of their fans are on a fixed income.”

Leno

Or fire their weapons

“And now the state of New Jersey is now considering a law that would ban smoking while driving. Authorities say that people who smoke while driving are not able to properly concentrate on their cell phone conversations or the movie playing in the back seat.”

Leno

Here’s Jay

• Thank you for coming out on the hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.
• President Bush did not name a Supreme Court nominee over the weekend. Well sure between “Harry Potter” and “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory,” where do we find the time?
• President Bush welcomed the Prime Minister of India to the White House today. Bush said, “While you’re here can you look at my computer for a second?”

Happy Birthday

• Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

• You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.

• Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice.

• I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don’t want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

• Is the glass half full, or half empty?
It depends on whether you’re pouring or drinking.

• Old is always fifteen years from now.

• Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

Bill Cosby, who turns 68 today.

Late night with Jay Leno

• How ’bout the price of gas? Oh my God! Oil is now over $62 a barrel. In fact, it is so high, today I saw the Sierra Club drilling in Alaska.

• A judge in Mobile, Alabama has put a 90 year old woman in jail for selling drugs. Here’s my question — where are the parents?

• Willie Nelson did an album with reggae musicians. Did you hear about this? How much smoke poured out of that studio? It must have looked like they were electing a new pope.

• Happy Birthday to Jessica Simpson who turned 25 years old on Sunday. Jessica threw a surprise party for herself — and it worked. She had no idea!

• “ESPN” magazine said that Lance Armstrong is considering running for governor of Texas. Well finally Texas would have a governor who knows how to ride a bicycle.

• The White House announced today that next month Vice President Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. It’s important that you get these on a regular basis. You know, the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there.

Dennis is “sinned” spelled backwards

Just hours after Hurricane Dennis made landfall across the Florida Panhandle yesterday, Governor Jeb Bush asked a state prosecutor to investigate possible links between the category 3 storm and Michael Schiavo. In a statement to reporters, Mr. Bush noted that the issue of Mr. Schiavo’s involvement in the strongest hurricane to develop this early in the Atlantic storm season “remains unsettled.”

The Swift Report: Jeb Bush: Hurricane Dennis Could Be Fault of Michael Schiavo

Top Ten Surprises In President Bush’s Prime-Time Address

From Letterman:

10. Claimed he had plan to win war, then switched on the bat signal

9. Kept talking about how Scientology changed his life

8. Ten minutes of policy, 20 minutes of Karaoke

7. Imploring all Americans to support Joey McIntyre in the next episode of “Dancing with the Stars”

6. It was basically a 50-minute infomercial for new George Bush grill

5. Spent 15 minutes looking at himself in the monitor

4. Most of speech was devoted to his fourth of July deviled egg recipe

3. Revealed he’ll soon be giving uncensored weekly addresses on sirius satellite radio

2. Midway through, he got engaged to Tom Cruise

1. Finished up by asking if Kerry still wanted the gig

Oily

“As I’m sure you know by now, oil has hit a new high, $60 a barrel. In fact, the price of oil is so high that today President Bush called the Saudi prince he was holding hands with and said, ‘How about dinner and a movie?'”

“In fact, when asked today what effect these prices would have on the average car owner, President Bush said, ‘Not much because most Americans buy oil in little cans. They don’t buy the big barrels.'”

Jay Leno

Two kinds of fruit

To drive the point home, Rep. Duncan Hunter reads off the the “20th Hijacker”‘s Sunday menu: a whole-wheat pita, brown long-grain rice, canned peaches, steamed asparagus, northern beans, tea, and margarine (is there an Atkins plan for this?). Hunter even went as far as to bring in an actual plate of the food to show. If there was any sort of sass from the audience, Hunter liked to harp on the fact that the prisoners also recieved two kinds of fruit. Two, dammit! “We are blameless! We have given them two types of fruit!” Stewart cries, holding out his arms. “Although it should be noted that according to a memo signed by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, the US Military does consider dingleberries a type of fruit”.

TV Squad describing a portion of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (last night).

Here’s Michael

“This just in … Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.”

“After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael’s innocence was as plain as the nose on his face.”

“Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of 12 dumbasses.”

David Letterman

Warning

The following warning was emailed to NewMexiKen. I pass it along as a public service.

I hate it when people forward so many false warnings, but this one is important! Send this to everyone–repeat, everyone–on your e-mail list!

I know that spring has sprung and now is the time of year when the ticks are looking for some food, our body, to get some blood. Fair warning now to everyone.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, so you can be checked for tick infestation — DO NOT DO IT!!

It is a SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

For NewMexiKen’s part, I intend to take this warning simply as an advisory. Depending on the gender and overall appearance of the tick surveyor, I may find it informative to play along with the strip and dance — simply as a means of investigating this scam, of course.

Or AM radio

“A lot of Republicans have now come forward to criticize Howard Dean for his latest comments about the Republican Party. They say if he wants to insult people and make outrageous statements he should do what Republicans do and get a talk show on the Fox News Channel.”

Jay Leno

Real life vs. the internets

Amusing take on real life vs internet, subtitled “it’s meant to be funny but it’s so true.” Indeed. Gets to be pretty funny at times.

This is a video with audio that could be misconstrued if overheard, but otherwise safe for the office.

Thanks to Lee for the link.