Actual information from the Enchantment Pet Resort & Spa:
Enchanted Canine Experience
Includes comfortable bedding, daily maid service, bedtime turndown service with a cookie, gourmet breakfast and dinner, and supervised day camp with other dogs.
(This isn’t the place with the TV mentioned previously — which actually is “television and ice cream treat.”)
“Father’s Day of course is this Sunday. Or as Monaco’s Prince Albert calls it, ‘The scariest day of the year.'”
“As you may have heard, Prince Albert of Monaco, son of Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, has admitted to fathering another child out of wedlock. You heard of Prince Albert in a can. How about Prince Albert in a condom. Why don’t we try that?”
“He’s got a bunch of illegitimate kids and he did it the hard way. Without an NBA franchise.”
Jay Leno
Bill Gates Strikes a Pose for Teen Beat Photospread (ca. 1984).
Or take a look at this mug shot from NewMexiKen’s very own Albuquerque Police Department. Surely you will recognize Albuquerque’s most famous short-term resident. The arrest in 1977 was related to a traffic violation.
From the Santa Fe New Mexican, the original Microsoft team in Albuquerque (1978). Story here.
And here is the official current Microsoft photo and bio.
Via Hit and Run, who sets it up this way:
According to the London Telegrah, via Arts & Letters Daily, Science–with a capital S–has determined that the world’s funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan, “Comic Genius!” and goes something like this:
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ‘OK, now what?’
Funnier version: Dick Cheney and another guy are out in the woods when the other guy collapses. …
TBogg has a recommendation:
I just noticed that Dr. Seuss’s Oh, The Places You’ll Go! is making its annual pilgrimage up the charts which can only mean that it must be graduation season.
A word to the wise:High school and college graduates don’t want a copy of Oh, The Places You’ll Go! as a graduation present. They’d rather have an iPod. Or a Miata. Keep in mind that this bright-eyed, fresh-faced graduate with their whole life in front of them might someday be your primary caregiver as you enter your twilight years of reflection and remembrance. The last thing you want to hear as the pillow is placed firmly but insistently over your face is, “Oh, the places you’ll go.”
I suggest the 60GB one. In black.
President Al Gore reports on the State of Union.
Video from Saturday Night Live (May 13).
Here’s three:
21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron Howard, he’s just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.
22. Clint Howard [Ron Howard’s brother]: Ron’s younger, balder, and weirder-looking brother. Yes, weirder looking than Ron Howard.
23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: “Gates apparently made a deal with the devil: ‘You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'”
The Phoenix has the other 97.
Good ones last night from Jay Leno:
“The price of gas is getting so high, this morning I saw Patrick Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh carpooling to rehab together. You never see that.”
“More problems for Congressman Patrick Kennedy after his car accident. According to the police reports he acted disoriented and his speech was slurred. Today he was charged for impersonating Paula Abdul.”
“In recent memory, only four presidents have had lower approval ratings. The president of Exxon. The president of Chevron. The president of Texaco. …”
NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a “safe and effective method” for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.
Pfizer, manufacturer of UR-86—dubbed the “last-morning-ever pill”—said the drug is intended only for occasions when the mind-set or politics of the mother threaten the life of the fetus.
NewMexiKen first posted this two years ago today.
Click to enlarge.
“Did you know former President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time? That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, ‘We had a talking cat for president?'”
Jay Leno quoted by AP
Improv Everywhere Mission dresses several dozen people to look like Best Buy employees (you know, khakis and a blue polo shirt) and invades a store.
Around 80 agents showed up, most them looking like wonderful Best Buy employees. More than a few came dressed in navy or teal, but with the belt and the khakis they still looked employee-like. After everyone arrived I explained the mission. The first step was for everyone to throw their newspapers away. The instruction to bring a newspaper was a red herring meant to throw people off the scent of the mission’s true nature. I then revealed the plan, “We’re heading up to the Best Buy on 23rd Street. We’ll enter the store one by one. Once inside, spread out and stand near the end of an aisle, facing away from the merchandise. Don’t shop, but don’t work either. If a customer comes up to you and asks you a question, be polite and help them if you know the answer. If anyone asks you if you work there, say no. If an employee asks you what you’re doing, respond ‘I’m waiting for my girlfriend/boyfriend who is shopping elsewhere in the store.’ If they question you about your clothing, just explain that it’s what you put on when you woke up this morning and you don’t know any of the other people dressed like you.”
Not too surprisingly: “The lower level employees laughed and got a kick out of it while the managers and security guards freaked out.”
Pretty funny with lots of photos.
President Bush’s appearance with a comedic look-alike at last Saturday’s White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington may have backfired, as a new poll released today shows that the public prefers Mr. Bush’s look-alike to the president himself by an almost three-to-one margin.
“President Bush said that he wants to find alternative sources of energy. He says they are looking towards solar power. In fact, he and Rumsfeld are actually planning an invasion of the sun.”
Jay Leno
Click on the image of the sun to help locate a landing area for the invasion.
Struggling with rising fuel costs and sagging profits, several leading airlines announced today that they would attempt to boost their revenues by stowing passengers in their aircrafts’ overhead bins.
After Airbus announced earlier this week that it was toying with the idea of introducing standing room areas for passengers in the rear of their planes, the airlines decided that the time was right to pitch the idea of stowing passengers in a part of the plane that has customarily been reserved for carry-on luggage.
Another in a series of household hints based upon NewMexiKen’s personal experience.
NewMexiKen likes a hard-boiled egg time and again. The best approach I’ve found is to start the eggs in cold water, bring them to a boil, then cook at a lower heat for 14-15 minutes.
Bringing the eggs to a rapid boil, forgetting about them for an hour, and having all the water boil away does not appear to work as well.
All hints now consolidated on one page.
Make a contribution via Jesus’ General.
Helpful Tips for Fighting and Winning the War on Easter by J. Chris Rock. Here’s two:
Tip No. 3
Have each member of your family write a letter every day to Just Born, Inc., makers of PEEPS. Suggest they make PALMS instead, marshmallow fronds that deliciously celebrate Christ’s triumphant return to Jerusalem. Great writing exercise for the kids!
Tip No. 5
Mothers, throw that “Easter” bonnet your child brought home from art class right in the trash. They’ll cry (trust me on this one), but tell them that if they really loved Mommy they’d make you a crown of thorns out of a paper plate.
Q: How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: HEY! Let’s ride bikes!!!
Notice NewMexiKen today: Internet fast-food ordering, Bob Dylan, submarines, immigration, peeps and nuclear war.
“As we plunge into the 21st century, it is time we take a closer look at the technological wonders we create. Here, we try to discover just a little bit more about the world around us through the miracles of science, technology, and preservatives.”
Another in a series of household hints based upon NewMexiKen’s personal experience.
If you decide to have BLTs for dinner and if you go to the store specifically to buy L (lettuce) for the BLTs, and you pick out a nice head of L and put it in your cart, it’s also a good idea to make certain the checker actually bags the L after she rings it up.
BTs, while tasty, are not as tasty as BLTs.
“While I was watching the sweet sixteen college basketball games, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
“She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.”
From an email sent to Debby.
My prediction is that Tom [DeLay] will continue in his present life-calling and become a teevee evangelist…. It’s just like being a Congressman: the hours are good, you can have girlfriends on the side as long as you don’t get caught, you can get stoopid people to give you lotsa money, it helps if your wife cries a lot and can make “Jesus” a three-syllable word, and you get to wear fancy clothes…. He’ll hardly know the difference….
