Category: Humor

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican officials are blaming tonight’s GOP losses on Democrats, who they claim have engaged in a wide variety of “aggressive, premeditated, anti-Republican campaigns” over the past six-to-18 months. “We have evidence of a well-organized, well-funded series of operations designed specifically to undermine our message, depict our past performance in a negative light, and drive Republicans out of office,” said Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman, who accused an organization called the Democratic National Committee of spearheading the nationwide effort. “There are reports of television spots, print ads, even volunteers going door-to-door encouraging citizens to vote against us.” Acknowledging that the “damage has already been done,” Mehlman is seeking a promise from Democrats to never again engage in similar practices.

The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Link via Eschaton who notes this is barely satire — not far from the truth in other words.

I hope you are, too.

It’s the kind of day where you take your 5½-year-old car in for maintenance and the team-leader calls after a couple of hours and says he’ll need my car another day because the oil seals are bad and that’s a $2300 job.

And it’s covered by the warranty!

Here’s Jay from last night:

• I’m not sure about some of these ballot initiatives. For example, here we had 127 which was about notifying the parents of a middle school student if their teacher became pregnant after having sex. I’m not sure what that is all about.
• Some of the initiatives are just frivolous. Like 102 – is it ok for someone to eat just the top half of a muffin.
• The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out.
• Dick Cheney went hunting today. I didn’t realize it was lawyer season already.
• On this day in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected in a three way race. President Bush today said that he admired Lincoln. Because of inventing the penny. The Lincoln Town Car. And of course because of Lincoln Logs.

“Haggard says that he is a liar and a deceiver. I think it is way too soon for him to be entering politics.”

“He was also using meth. That’s why he was so popular as a preacher. His one hour sermons would last five minutes.”

“If he was using meth – does that make him a Methodist?”

Q: How many American voters do you need to change a burnt out light bulb?

A: None, they’re perfectly happy being in the dark.

Via FarrFeed, first posted here, two years ago today.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

— Pretty Good Jokes

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the president exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President Bush looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

— A Prairie Home Companion

Re-posted from a year ago.

Blue Gal on Alabama license plates. Take a quick look at the real and proposed.

Link via Shakespeare’s Sister.

Rox Populi says “I’ve Wanted to Do This a Million Times.” (Video)

… is that I’ve already told my dentist everything I know and it didn’t make him stop.

You think you have it bad?

How’d you like to be Jesus’ brother James?

How many times do you think he heard his mother say “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

Ever had a job like Mark Twain once did, where no amount of money would be enough? From Roughing It, 1872.

I will remark, in passing, that I only remained in the milling business one week. I told my employer I could not stay longer without an advance in my wages; that I liked quartz milling, indeed was infatuated with it; that I had never before grown so tenderly attached to an occupation in so short a time; that nothing, it seemed to me, gave such scope to intellectual activity as feeding a battery and screening tailings, and nothing so stimulated the moral attributes as retorting bullion and washing blankets — still, I felt constrained to ask an increase of salary.

He said he was paying me ten dollars a week, and thought it a good round sum. How much did I want?

I said about four hundred thousand dollars a month, and board, was about all I could reasonably ask, considering the hard times.

I was ordered off the premises! And yet, when I look back to those days and call to mind the exceeding hardness of the labor I performed in that mill, I only regret that I did not ask him seven hundred thousand.

If the Suburban Neighborhood Pool Were in Deadwood

This is DEFINITELY NOT for the faint-hearted.

• Actually when the baby was born Britney requested that the cord stay attached to make it easier to carry.

• A 79 year old woman in Chicago was arrested for robbing a bank. She’s being extradited to Florida so she can be tried as a juvenile.

Female tourist: I don’t get it. This isn’t a square, it’s like… triangular.

Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because… well… it’s like… a square… a square of people. I don’t know, it has something to do with algebra.

— Times Square

Overheard in New York

A friend sent NewMexiKen this amazing story:

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no … I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.