Clever turns of phrase, special splashes of wit, provocative insight — all in a sentence or two.
“Oh, did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired – this is a bit of a scandal – because they were looking at Barack Obama’s passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain’s Civil War records.”
David Letterman
“John McCain has officially broken the limits imposed by the presidential public financing system, according to spending reports filed last week by the campaign.”
Because he’s as bad as the rest, only he acts like he’s holier.
John McCain, a third Bush term.
“President George W. Bush confirmed today that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office in January of 2009.”
“Hillary ████████ to release █████████ of when she was a █████████ lady”
“Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his longtime minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge for our sins. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Pat Robertson. That’s the other side’s nutball minister.”
Jay Leno
“Molly Ivins once wrote that she didn’t support gun control because she hated guns, but because she just liked to see knife fights.”
“And does anybody have the new redesigned $5 bill? It’s out, and it has several new features. One of the new features, it’s only worth $3.”
Jay Leno
“If the cost of milk had risen as fast as college since 1980, as Grassley has noted, a gallon would be $15.”
Timothy Egan in an op-ed on elite college endowments.
It is reported that after the second time that a mobile phone had rung in the public gallery the Judge put down his pen, and glared across at the flustered-looking owner of the phone. “If that happens again” said His Honour, “you may discover why they are known as cell phones”.
Link via Discourse.net, which also had this:
“This little girl’s nanny care is going to be so superlative she will literally have, as her nanny, Julie Andrews.”
Joel Achenbach speaking of Beatrice, daughter of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.
With apologies to the Sage of St. Louis, there comes a time when it ain’t over, but … it’s over. There comes a time in a relationship when a woman will still answer your phone calls, but you’re wasting your money buying flowers; you know what I’m saying? There comes a moment during a job interview when you’re still talking, but you might as well take off your shoes. There is a time in an illness when you’re not dead yet, but you might as well stop taking that nasty medicine.
Bill James in an article discussing his means of calculating when a basketball games is out of reach. Interesting.
“Man, that guy is good.”
Bart Bryant, who lost when Tiger Woods made a 25-foot birdie putt on 18 to defeat him.
Here’s the putt:
I’m starting to think that Obama
Could rescue us all from the trauma
That W started
With Cheney, whole-hearted
Cause Hillary’s way too much drama.
Among the limericks at the 2008 San Patricio Limerick Festival at Fluency.
Link via Bitch Ph.D.
From Sideline Chatter in The Seattle Times:
New England might never have won a Super Bowl, let alone two, had not Gen. George Custer decided to leave Felix Vinatieri — his bandleader and the great-great-grandfather of Pats kicker Adam — back at the fort with his band when the troops embarked for the battle of Little Big Horn.
Added Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle: “Those guys were the luckiest musicians in the world, not counting Ringo.”
“Men such as those in Spitzer’s position do not so much pay for women to have sex with them; they pay for women to go away AFTER having sex with them.”
Psychologist David Buss quoted in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
A lesson Bill Clinton never learned.
“Gold futures hit $1,000 an ounce for the first time on news that the dollar ain’t worth the oil it’s printed for”
“The price of oil rose to the point where it’s now sold exclusively through the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog.”
Bill in Portland Maine reporting on things that happened while he was away — many good lines.
Including:
“Eliot Spitzer thought he could get away with the kind of financial shennanigans that he used to bust people for as a prosecutor. He was—how you say—utterly, terribly and unbelievably wrong. If you, dear reader, take away one lesson from this whole sorry spectacle, remember this: if you’re gonna hire prostitutes, never pay cash. Barter barter barter! (Hint: the sexiest words in the English language to a hooker are, ‘Hey…how ’bout I go back to your place and clean your gutters?’)”
“Spitzer is simply the latest married politician caught with his pants down, a group so large that ‘pretty soon there will be enough of them to do a scientific study’.”
Texas psychologist Brian Gladue quoted at Newsweek.com
“Saying that Hillary has Executive Branch experience is like saying Yoko Ono was a Beatle.”
Comment at Daily Kos
First posted here three years ago today:
“A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story must contain three components: (1) Religion, (2) Sexuality, and (3) Mystery. There was only one A paper in the entire class. In full: ‘Good God! I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.'”
“Just in case, John McCain has already written a first sentence for his concession speech in November: ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.'”
— Some Guy
“And how about Ralph Nader, running for president? I like Ralph Nader. He looks like the doctor you go to and have the bullet removed.”
— David Letterman
“I’m a part of that dwindling demographic: a newspaper reader. I grew up with a morning paper, an afternoon paper and a local paper every day. . . . Hell, I even enjoy reading the Albuquerque Journal every day, which is like someone claiming to be a connoisseur of wine while nursing a bottle of Ripple.”
Mjh has a great illustration of the problem.
“Prince is having hip replacement surgery.
“That little red Corvette will need to be an automatic cuz my boy can’t work the clutch anymore. Darling Nikki uses Oil of Olay. Purple rain the color of a Prilosec tab.”
“The sentence for attempted murder should be the same as for successful murder. Otherwise we’re just rewarding incompetence.”
Scott Adams quoting a reader of his blog. First posted here two years ago today.
