Category: Best Line of the Day

Clever turns of phrase, special splashes of wit, provocative insight — all in a sentence or two.

Best redux post of the day

From a 1977 Johnny Carson monologue —

August 4th: President Carter has recommended that it should not be a criminal offense to be found in possession of an ounce or less of marijuana.

CARSON: The trouble is that nobody in our band knows what an ounce or less means.

DOC SEVERINSEN: It means you’re about out.

First posted here five years ago today, two days after Carson’s death at age 79.

Best redux line of the day

“Osama bin Laden released his first new audiotaped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it’s mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they’re too busy listening to your phone calls.”

— Tina Fey

From this date in 2006. Not much has changed.

Another good late night line

“During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream’, and now, ‘My daughters are both available.’

Jimmy Fallon

Best line last night

“It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party.”

Jay Leno

Runner-up best line:

“Erroll Southers, Obama’s pick to head the T.S.A., withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Still, that’s an improvement from the T.S.A.’s normal procedure — not performing background checks.”

Jimmy Fallon

Ay! Caramba!

“An Australian Open match was delayed by 40 minutes today when a (nervous? sick?) ballboy peed himself on the court. At least he has a long fruitful life of intense psychological therapy ahead of him.”

Deadspin

Best line of the day

Apple sent e-mail invitations to journalists Monday morning for a “special event” to be held next Wednesday in San Francisco. “Come see our latest creation,” the message says.

Unless you’ve been living on another, Internet-deprived planet for the last year or so, you’ve probably got a pretty good idea what this is likely to be: the unveiling of Apple’s long-awaited, breathlessly hyped tablet computer. The device promises to hasten the extinction of paper, solidify Apple’s advantages in the mobile computing market, cure hunger and finally broker a peace between Jay and Conan.

Bits Blog – NYTimes.com

It’s a very colorful invitation; might be worth your click.

Best line of yesterday

The scene: The Vikings led, 27-3, with 1:55 left and with a fourth-and-3 from the Dallas 11. Instead of running up the middle or kicking a field goal, Brett Favre threw an 11-yard touchdown pass to Visanthe Shiancoe.

The Cowboys’ Keith Brooking:

“I just thought what happened at the end of the game was disrespectful. It was classless and all the things that are in that category. I’ll say it to the Vikings organization and whoever is over there calling plays. It wasn’t the right thing to do at that time. Period.”

Vikings Coach Brad Childress:

“As Lou Holtz used to say, ‘It’s our job to score points and it’s their job to stop us from scoring points.’ ”

Were Vikings ‘Classless’ in Adding Late Score? – The Fifth Down Blog

Best lines of the past 304 years, so far

  • The use of money is all the advantage there is in having money.
  • He is not well-bred, that cannot bear ill-breeding in others.
  • You may talk too much on the best of subjects.
  • A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
  • All would live long, but none would be old.
  • One today is worth two tomorrows.
  • Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.
  • Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
  • Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
  • Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
  • Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.
  • I should have no objection to go over the same life from its beginning to the end: requesting only the advantage authors have, of correcting in a second edition the faults of the first.
  • If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.
  • I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

All the above from Benjamin Franklin, born in Boston on this date in 1706.

Best Pierce line of the day

“I will moderate my commentary on the Drudge ‘n Grudge book written by his pal and the execrable Mark Halperin, who is to political journalism what E. coli is to steakhouses. The sourcing is laughable. The anecdotes petty, where they are not trivial, and indecent, where they are not petty and trivial. It exists, apparently, to dish dirt about the Clinton and Edwards marriages, thereby providing Andrea Mitchell with her quadrennial orgasm.”

Charles Pierce

He continues. I don’t think he likes the book.