Category: Best Line of the Day

“As somebody once told me, the English language is as rich and as full of invective as any language ever devised. Therefore, if someone cuts you off in traffic, and the first club out of your bag is a racial epithet, then you’re a racist, and your vocabulary needs work, too.”

Charles Pierce

“Captio could outrun Usain Bolt strapped to a rocket cheetah.”

Review at TUAW for iPhone app Captio (a quick—apparently— 99¢ notetaker).

“[T]his is really the first Goldilocks planet.”

Astronomer Paul Butler on Gliese 581g.

Not too hot, not too cold.

“Alberto Contador blames tainted meat”

ESPN

“Alberto Contador tests positive”

ESPN

Contador won this year’s Tour de France.

“While most respondents across the board crushed the questions regarding the Bible, the fact that only about half knew that the Golden Rule is not one of the Ten Commandments is pretty weak. It’s straight out of the Onion story about the area man who’s a ‘Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be.’ ” 

Mary Beth Williams writing about the Pew religious knowledge survey at Salon.com; an interesting take from a skeptical believer.

Reason 3,281.

Mr. Obama, who has been criticized by conservative pundits who have questioned his Christian faith, gave a lengthy discourse on it in response to a woman [in Albuquerque today] who said she had three “hot topic questions” for him. The first was: “Why are you a Christian?” The second was on abortion — the president said it should be “safe, legal and rare” — and her third was whether Mr. Obama would accept her husband’s chili pepper. He said he would.

New York Times

It is, however, chile pepper. Correction please, Times.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – With just a month remaining until the crucial midterm elections, worried Democrats have decided to reach out to the man who played Barack Obama during the 2008 campaign, Democratic Party officials confirmed today.

“We were sitting around thinking of who we could put out there on the campaign trail to get people energized again,” said party chairman Tim Kaine.  “And then I was like, what about that guy who played Obama in ’08?  He was amazing!”

There’s more at Borowitz Report.

“The one record I was happy to get rid of was the one for the most interceptions, when Brett Favre got that one.”

George Blanda, who died today at age 83. Blanda played in the NFL until age 48. He had 277 NFL interceptions. Favre has 323 and counting.

“Can a guy who’s sent racist and pornographic email really become New York governor? Is this a great country, or what?”

Joan Walsh referring to Tea Party candidate Carl Paladino

I’ve been reading a couple of mystery novels and ran across some amusing lines.
__________

“You think you can pick up a turd from the clean end?”

Barry Eisler, Fault Line
__________

“Bob Menechinn, probably still smarting from having Ridley buckle him into his pack, pointing out he was the tallest and strongest and best able to protect and serve—an argument that basically boiled down to ‘has a penis’—wanted to go first.”

Later in the same book, the park ranger Anna Pigeon thinks this about the same guy: “She wondered what he would look like with a plastic bag tied tightly over his head.”

Nevada Barr, Winter Study

In addition to the occasional great line, Barr’s Anna Pigeon mysteries make the national parks come to life.

At the Michigan event, [one questioner] asked whether the government should have bailed out homeowners instead of Wall Street, Munger said: “You’ve got it exactly wrong.”
 
There’s danger in just shoveling out money to people who say, ‘My life is a little harder than it used to be,’” Munger said at the event, which was moderated by CNBC’s Becky Quick. “At a certain place you’ve got to say to the people, ‘Suck it in and cope, buddy. Suck it in and cope.’”

Charles Munger, Vice-Chairman, Berkshire-Hathaway as reported by Matt Taibbi. Berkshire-Hathaway holdings (AIG, Wachovia, for example) received billions in aid under TARP.

From the Whiskey Rebels to the Confederates to the Tea Party movement, there has been a minority tradition that viewed the American Revolution as a rebellion against government as such, rather than as a revolution on behalf of popular government. And from Thomas Jefferson to Newt Gingrich, crafty demagogues, when they are out of power, have portrayed the elected representatives of the American people as a tyrannical, alien force, only to exercise the full powers of the government without apology once they have successfully ridden paranoia to power.

Michael Lind in an essay, “The right picked the wrong historical analogy” at Salon.com

“[T]he new, empowered Tea Party Republicans preach their national agenda, which seems to involve not spending federal money on anything George Washington didn’t personally shop for.”

Gail Collins

Go read at least the last line.

“‘So, why is this anti-Muslim panic coming up now?’ I asked. ‘What triggered it?’ ‘I keep going back to Richard Hofstadter’s “The Paranoid Style in American Politics,”‘ he replied. ‘It’s not necessarily about Islam. These people need an enemy.'”

Laura Miller – Salon.com

“Rocket scientists, long considered the gold standard in intelligence among all professionals, are not nearly as smart as originally thought, according to a controversial new study published today by the American Association of Brain Surgeons.”

— Andy Borowitz

First posted four years ago today.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?”
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“A Spanish agency that represents Penelope Cruz says the Oscar-winning Spanish actress is pregnant.”
_____________

Now I know you’re all curious, but no, NewMexiKen had nothing to do with it.

“In contrast, we have the absurd, exasperating furor over an obscure Florida pastor, the Rev. Yosemite Sam, who threatens to gather his literally dozens of parishioners around a cheery bonfire of Korans.”

Hendrik Hertzberg

“Nine years later, the main fact of our lives is the overwhelming force of unreason. Evidence, knowledge, argument, proportionality, nuance, complexity, and the other indispensable tools of the liberal mind don’t stand a chance these days against the actual image of a mob burning an effigy, or the imagined image of a man burning a mound of books.”

George Packer

“This tragedy will only be magnified if it is exploited for political gain. Politicians who wrap themselves in the flag while relentlessly pursuing their usual partisan agenda are not true patriots, and history will not forgive them.”

Paul Krugman September 14, 2001

The basic position here is that people on the right favor high-end tax cuts that will worsen the deficit, while at the same time demanding both immediate fiscal austerity and cuts to Social Security, in the name of deficit reduction.

They justify their tax cuts/austerity position by arguing that what’s important is holding down current deficit numbers, never mind the 10-year outlook.

Meanwhile, they declare that it’s urgent that we act now to lock in cuts in Social Security benefits that won’t take place for decades.

Why, it’s almost as if they’re grabbing any argument at hand to justify spending cuts for the middle class and tax cuts for the rich, regardless of the inconsistency.

Paul Krugman