Netscape’s Joke of the Day

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” as she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.”

Amazon.com: Books / Search Inside the Book

Amazon.com has an extraordinary new feature. You are now able to search words/phrases in the text of books and be referred to the actual pages (scanned from the original).

“Below some of the search results, you’ll see a book excerpt with your search terms highlighted, which indicates that the book’s text is searchable. You can either click to see a list of all references to the term in that particular book or click on the excerpt’s page number to read the entire page on which the excerpt appears. Once you’re on a reader page, you can browse forward or back two pages within the book, or you can search the book for other terms.”

So far, you can browse 33 million pages worth of material from 120,000 books.

Only in America

“An Omaha judge told a Mexican-American man that his right to see his 5-year-old daughter would be severely restricted if he insisted on speaking ‘the Hispanic language.’ Judge Ronald E. Reagan, presiding over a custody case, told Eloy Amador he could not speak ‘Hispanic’ in his daughter’s presence. ‘Are you telling me I can teach it to her but not speak it?’ Amador asked. ‘That’s right,’ Reagan said. ‘The principal form of communication…is going to be English.’ Civil-rights groups vowed legal action.”

From The Week

Right to bear…

“Smith & Wesson announced this week that it is branching out into home decor and will have a new catalog out just in time for Christmas. There’s a good idea for ya–combine a gun manufacturer with the sickos who buy Thomas Kinkade paintings. … But gun enthusiasts are already excited. Maybe too excited. Today, Wayne LaPierre was out asserting his 2nd amendment right to bear rugs…. ”

From The Washington Monthly’s Monday Morning Monologue

The Football Outsiders Homage to TMQ Contest

Football Outsiders

Watch this weekend’s action. Then e-mail your best TMQ-like commentary to info-@-footballoutsiders.com. You can include:

  • Haikus
  • Sweet Play of the Week
  • Sour Play of the Week
  • Stat of the Week
  • Local Affiliates Programming Outrage of the Week
  • Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All
  • Stop Me Before I Blitz Again
  • Best and Worst Blocks
  • Best in a Lost Cause
  • Worst Pass-Wacky
  • Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk
  • Maroon Zone
  • TMQ Insider Exclusive
  • Obscure College Score of the Week
  • New York Times Final-Score Score

Extra points go to references to:

  • TMQ’s Immutable Laws (Play Fake on First, Clang On First Bars Run On Second (even though we questioned that one), Kick Early Go For It Late (we question that one too), K2 Survival Gear Does Not Equal Victory)
  • TMQ team names like “Squared Sevens,” “Flaming Thumbtacks,” “Cleveland Oranges,” and “Chesapeake Region Indigenous Persons”
  • Football Gods
  • Star Trek
  • Cheerleader babes
  • Poor uniform choices
  • United States defense policy
  • Physics
  • The Democratic presidential candidates

Negative points go to references to:

  • Disney
  • Miramax
  • Quentin Tarantino

American Indians and Alaska Natives

The Bureau of the Census reports that there were an estimated 4.3 million American Indians and Alaska natives, or American Indians and Alaska natives in combination with one or more other races, as of July 1, 2002 — 1.5 percent of the total population.

3.1 million are American Indians and Alaska natives who claim membership in a specific tribe.

American Indian tribes with more than 50,000 members are Cherokee, Navajo, Choctaw, Blackfeet, Chippewa, Muscogee (Creek), Apache and Lumbee. Cherokee is easily the largest, with a population of 697,400 who are Cherokee alone or in combination with one or more other races or tribes. Tlingit is the largest Alaska native tribe, with 17,200 members. Other Alaska native tribes with 5,000 or more members are Alaskan Athabascan, Eskimo and Yup’ik.

538,300 American Indians and Alaska natives live on reservations or other trust lands. Of this number, 175,200 reside on Navajo nation reservation and trust lands, which span portions of Arizona, New Mexico and Utah.

Bumper stickers

Jesus is Coming. Look Busy!
I’m your honor student’s real father
186,000 miles per second — it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Horn broken — watch for finger
Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales

Top Ten Ways California Would Be Different If I,
Gary Coleman, Had Been Elected Governor

Late Show Top Ten Archive: October 8, 2003

10. “Pretty much the same as Schwarzenegger, but less body oil”
9. “Three words: Lieutenant Governor Urkel”
8. “Thanks to my innocent charm, I’d get away with 60% more groping”
7. “I guess I’d have to quit my job as a security guard”
6. “You may not agree with me, but at least you could understand me”
5. “Inaugural address would have a laugh track”
4. “Television viewers wouldn’t know if they were watching C-Span or Nick at Nite”
3. “Wouldn’t have to worry about me having to take time off to do movies”
2. “I would form a task force to find out exactly what Willis was talking about”
1. “Unlike Schwarzenegger, I would admit I’m not qualified”

Top Ten Surprises In The Barbara Walters Interview With Martha Stewart

Late Show Top Ten Archive: October 14, 2003

10. Under pressure, Martha sometimes swallows her chaw
9. Barbara showing gratitude for illegal stock tip that paid for new Hummer
8. When Don Zimmer rushed in and took a swing at Martha
7. Martha grew up in poor neighborhood where several households had to share single spice rack
6. The Madonna and Britney-style open mouth kiss
5. Martha introducing her fiance, Ben Affleck
4. Entire hour spent breaking down this week’s Bears-Seahawks game
3. Barbara closing with, “See ya in 3 to 5”
2. Martha’s first book, “Entertaining,” was ghost-written by a young Dave Letterman
1. The two women comparing their “groped by Schwarzenegger” stories