was born in San Francisco on this date in 1876.
Mr. President
Mark Katz has an amusing account of his time as a Clinton joke-writer. The essay, excerpted from his forthcoming book Clinton & Me, is well worth reading. The following sidebar is also delightful.
When brainstorming humor speeches, every sentence in every article I read enters my brain as an impulse stimulus, a potential setup line that dares my gray matter to spit back a punch line. Late one night as I was cramming jokes for Clinton’s first White House Correspondents Dinner, I came across an article about the hundred day accomplishments of previous presidents, wherein it was mentioned parenthetically that America’s ninth president, William Henry Harrison, died on his thirty-second day in office. With a little subtraction, and the addition of context, a joke for Clinton’s upcoming speech was born: “I’m not doing so bad. I mean, at this point in his administration, William Henry Harrison had been dead for sixty-eight days!”
The Monday following the speech, sometime before noon, I was still damp from a late-morning shower when the telephone rang.
Hello?”
“White House operator calling for Mark Katz.”
“This is Mark Katz.”
“Please hold for the president of the United States . . .”Fisher. It had to be Fisher. Dating back to our days together in junior high, my friend Fisher occasionally subjected me to his expertly executed telephone hoaxes. With a tidbit of information and plausible impersonation, he had played me for the fool a hundred times before. That is why as I stood there in my bath towel, I was not predisposed to believe that I was actually holding for the president of the United States. I pressed the phone to my ear and prepared to analyze the voice that would greet me after my stay on hold. My brain was on high alert.
“Hello, Mark?”
BRAIN.- Not enough syllables to make a conclusive identification. Proceed with EXTREME caution!!!
“Hello.”
“Mark, you did great work helping out on the jokes for the White House Correspondents Dinner. You did a terrific job and I just wanted to call and thank you again.”
BRAIN: Holy shit! If this is Fisher, it’s his best work yet. WARNING: The next words you say may be used to mock you for the rest of your life.
“You bet, sir.”I was determined to maintain my reticence until I achieved a higher degree of certainty. My silence compelled the caller to move the conversation forward.
“I really loved that William Henry Harrison joke. That one still cracks me up. . . . already been dead for sixty-eight days! Ha!”
BRAIN. Identity confirmed! This is the third time the president has mentioned that he loved the William Henry Harrison joke. YOU ARE TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT! REPEAT: YOU ARE TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT!!!
Now I was excited.
“You got a great laugh on that one, Mr. President.” It was the first time in the conversation I dared address him with that, but there were plenty more to come.This, I would learn, is a common phenomenon among people who find themselves in a conversation with a president. They interject the words “Mr. President” into nearly every sentence, as if afflicted with a very proper strain of Tourette’s syndrome. There is just something about talking to the president that makes you punctuate your sentences with the words “Mr. President.” Not because he wants to hear it-he knows very well who he is–but because you just love to hear yourself say it. After all, when is the next time you’ll get to say “Mr. President” in a sentence? A co-op board meeting? More than that, interjecting those words adds import to any sentence you might say. Compare these sentences:
A. Cheese sandwiches are very tasty.
B. Cheese sandwiches are very tasty, Mr. President.This condition is only made worse by the fact that speaking to the president can also make you talkative to the point of babbling. This happens for much the same reason: you are not really talking to the president, you are listening to yourself talking to the president. Your brain, so absorbed in listening to the conversation, becomes a cognitive bystander engaged in an internal monologue that goes something like this:
I am talking to the president.
I am talking to the president.
I just said something to the president.
The president is responding to something I just said.For the rest of my life, I will be able to preface what I just said to the president with the words, ‘ As I once said to the president …’ ”
Does anyone here remember what I said to the president? I’m gonna need it for when I tell people this story.
The president stopped talking. It is my turn to say something. Now I am going to listen to what I am about to say to the president. I wonder what it will be?
As it turned out, here’s what I said to the president next: “You know what Mel Brooks says, Mr. President: ‘Comedy equals tragedy plus time.'”
He had no response to that. Very few people quote Mel Brooks to the president. I explained further.
“What I mean, Mr. President, is that joke probably would not have gone over too well if Millard Fillmore said it.”
“Millard Fillmore completed the term of Zachary Taylor,” he said. “John Tyler succeeded William Henry Harrison. But I think I know what you mean . . .”
He’d given me more credit for my wrong reference than I deserved. I didn’t know that Millard Fillmore had completed the term of anyone–I had just pulled out the name of a funny-sounding, obscure, mid-nineteenth century president. At this point, he must have remembered that he had called to thank me, not to administer a pop quiz.
“Anyway, I just loved that William Henry Harrison joke.”The president’s tone let me know that this conversation was winding down. He encouraged me to fax him jokes if ever I had an idea for something funny he might say. A few seconds later, he was saying good-bye. Before it was over, I got to hear myself say it one last time:
“Thank you for calling, Mr. President.”
4 Eastern 0 Central
Eastern Standard Time teams New England, Philadelphia, Carolina and Indianapolis swept Central Standard Time Tennessee, Green Bay, St. Louis and Kansas City.
NewMexiKen picked three winners (missing Carolina). Lee had two (missing Carolina and Philadelphia).
The Packers should have gone for it on fourth and one late in regulation. No guts, no glory.
Feeling better
Thanks to the belated administration of anti-biotics, for the first day in more than three weeks NewMexiKen feels terrific.
Yucky as I felt at times, I guess my misery was mild compared to this poor soul (found on Andrew Sullivan’s The Daily Dish).
Dude, I’m 53 and this is the sickest I have ever been in my life. I’m in my 7th day and just starting to feel a bit better. I live alone and had to have everything: box of tissues, jug of water, TV remote (not that I had a clue what was on, I was semi-delirious for 2 days, sat up in my bed and thought I was sitting at my computer at work (then I woke up hours later on the floor) but I digress, had to have everything in the bed cause I could not even make it to my nightstand on the other side of the bed. I got 2 hours at work Wednesday and they sent me home, and 2 hours in today wanted to make sure they signed my time sheet, I’m a contract worker so I’m screwed next payday!
Funny thing; friends and family would call and ask if I needed anything. So from time to time they’d arrive at my door with a few bottles of ginger ale or some such and I’d be yelling “leave it and go”, not wanting to contaminate them. It started sounding funny, I began to feel like a hideous character in a Poe novel “leave it and be on your way!! You’ll not see me in my shame!!!!”. Like I said, I’m semi-delirious.
Slobs and louts
Can anyone explain to NewMexiKen why so many guys depicted in commercials, or in sitcoms for that matter, are oafs?
Or is this just another form of “reality” TV?
Truth in advertising
NewMexiKen understands loneliness well-enough, but—even so—can’t help wondering about the possible incongruity between the self-described attractiveness of the individuals in these personal ads and the need to seek partners by advertising. Some examples from the current The New York Review of Books:
A RARE TREASURE. Naturally pretty girl-next-door with sleek, playful, athletic twist. Long blonde hair, high cheekbones, heart-melting smile—think Emily Procter (from West Wing, CSI Miami). Fine-boned, slim, confident. Patient and passionate. Unafraid to laugh, believes in hopes and dreams. Gentle, honorable, light of heart. Known for strong aesthetic sense. Never tires of art, music, hiking, running, tennis, snowshoeing. Vermont resident, drives to Boston at drop of a hat. Good traveler, not lugging past baggage. Loves Southern France, northern Italy, dogs, reading, daisies. Seeks kind, divorced/widowed man, 49-65.
TOTAL STUNNER. Could be stand-in for Michelle Pfeiffer. Slender, lean body, knockout smile. Sweet-natured, approachable, successful entrepreneur, author, physician. Divorced, 45. Half French with European flair plus NY humor and vibrancy. High profile, funny, genuine. Adores savoring an active life: tennis, cultural and charity events, red carpet openings, evenings at Le Cirque, La Goulue. Recharges by playing piano, gardening, travel: Hawaii, St. Bart’s, or biking Provence inn to inn. Enjoys art, photography, science, history. Seeks lasting relationship with bright, upscale, successful, well-mannered, 5’9″+, 46-59 man of quality, depth, character, ready to appreciate a classy, loyal, independent, beautiful woman.
SMASHING LOOKS AND A SMILE that lights up a room. Sensual romantic eyes, beautiful dimples, high cheekbones, and appealing figure. Jewish widow, 5’8″. Successful entrepreneur; stunning, elegant, Wellesley/MIT Sloan grad. Articulate conversationalist with expansive mind, enjoyable to be with, delights in laughter and having adventures. Contributes to the community, travels, paints; passionate about music, the arts, photography, Paris, Nantucket. Seeks dynamic, healthy man, 59-72.
ALLURINGLY ATTRACTIVE, slender, savvy photographer—completing book. Also accomplished professional—infectious laugh, wry humor, and dose of irreverence. Unafraid to explore new things, new ideas. Open, honest, gently sexy, divorced. Great dimples, long legs, generosity of spirit, inquisitive mind. Very visual, keenly perceptive. Fun with great sense of adventure. Equally comfortable at Ritz or favorite neighborhood Italian dive, opera or Red Sox games, Arizona Biltmore or Italian pensione, New York or Boston. Passions for museums, reading, cooking, art, philanthropy, dogs, movies. Biking, tennis. Seeks smart, interesting/interested, attractive, financially comfortable, 5’8″+, 47-60, man of character. Intelligence, humor count for a lot.
There’s many more. The relatively few “man seeking woman” ads are not nearly so extravagant.
Can’t kick
There were no punts by either team in the Colts 38-31 win over the Chiefs. First time ever that neither team has punted in an NFL postseason game.
There were also no on-side kicks. The Chiefs kicked away late in the game — and deservedly got the ball back with just 8 seconds to play. No guts, no glory.
It also seemed to NewMexiKen as if CBS commentators Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf don’t have 100 IQ points between them.
Gotta love…
Shannon Sharpe’s cell phone ringing while live on The NFL Today.
How cold was it?
From Dan Shaughnessy in the Boston Sunday Globe
The Patriots hadn’t been this cold since the original patriots, coached by George Washington, bunked at Valley Forge in the wicked winter of 1777-78….
Patriot Nation was not deterred. Fans — remember, the word is an abbreviation for “fanatics,” toted blankets and sleeping bags into the stadium. It looked like a winter Woodstock festival with NFL garb instead of tie-dyed T-shirts. Without doing much research, it seemed safe to figure that the outdoor McDonald’s behind the south end zone wasn’t moving many McFlurries. The stouthearted fans couldn’t make much noise with their hands. The sound of 136,000 mittens clapping is actually quite muffled.
Alexander Hamilton…
was born in the British West Indies on this date in 1757 (or possibly 1755).
Soldier-Statesmen of the Constitution, a work prepared by the U.S. Army Center of Military History in 1987, has a fine chapter on Hamilton from which the following is extracted.
Alexander Hamilton, who represented New York at the Constitutional Convention, was a brilliant political theorist and a leading advocate of centralized government. As an immigrant, Hamilton was able to transcend loyalty to any single state or region and think in terms of nationhood. He combined a natural affinity for aristocratic values with a generally pessimistic view of human nature and concluded that successful government must be strong and must win the support of men of property and social standing. Hamilton was among the most intellectually gifted of the Founding Fathers, rivaling in ability his arch foe, Thomas Jefferson, but he lacked practical political experience and failed to win support for many of his most cherished ideas. A blunt, practical man, he never understood the role that idealists like Jefferson played in shaping society. Ironically, his major contributions to the political life of the nation occurred only when his specific policies were adopted and carried forward by others with broader vision….
Although Hamilton was a great innovator and statesman, his lack of legislative experience and of faith in the common man made him a poor politician. His tactical failures as a leader of the Federalists on both the state and national level fractured the party into competing groups and contributed directly to the election of Jefferson as President in 1800. Both Jefferson and his running mate Aaron Burr received the same number of electoral votes. To Hamilton’s credit, he refused to back a plan by some members of the party to cast votes for Burr to deny Jefferson a victory. Burr’s bitterness over that decision, coupled with his long-standing rivalry with Hamilton in local politics, led inexorably to tragedy. On 11 July 1804 the two men met at dawn at Weehawken Heights, New Jersey. Hamilton, who detested dueling, participated because he felt that his honor had been impugned. Mortally wounded, he was carried back to New York City where he died the next day.
Scenes From A Sad Airport
NewMexiKen isn’t sure but thinks SFGate columnist Mark Morford is a bit angry at the lunacy of airport security.
Seems reasonable
Sign at New Mexico Sports & Wellness warns against the use of cell phones in the locker rooms and cell phone cameras in all areas of the club.
Fishes and cows
From today’s Los Angeles Times Morning Briefing
Dennis Green decided that doing a fishing show on cable television wasn’t enough stimulation, so he took the bait and accepted the Arizona Cardinal coaching job.
Said Randy Hill of foxsports.com: “Despite his fishing insights, Green seems unaware that the Cardinals have been operating on a catch-and-release coaching philosophy.”
And…
Mike Bianchi, in the Orlando Sentinel, to critics who say all the BCS hand-wringing is good for college football: “Mad cow disease creates controversy and conversation too, but that doesn’t make it good.”
You’ve Gotta Play to Win
Michael Wilbon has a fine piece today on Saturday’s NFL games.
Forget the official temperature, whether it was 4 degrees above zero or 2 above zero . . . It was cold. It was cold enough that the mucus in your nose froze, cold enough that the condensation in your mustache froze, cold enough that I didn’t see any fools with their shirts off with P-A-T-S painted across their bare chests. It was cold enough that if you didn’t cover your ears, they would soon turn the color gray, which from all my years growing up in the Midwest means frostbite. It was too cold for 68,000 people to have shown up here Saturday night. It was so cold local officials ordered extra ambulances to be on standby, cold enough that heated city buses were parked just outside for those seeking respite. It was cold enough that overly officious Patriots ownership relaxed the rules and allowed fans to bring blankets and sleeping bags in which they could wrap themselves. The cheerleaders, normally dressed like Britney Spears, covered their abs completely. There was no fooling around up here Saturday night.
And on the other game…
Goodness, if Mike Martz can’t take at least one shot at winning the game in his dome sweet home with a first down, a timeout and a minute on the clock, what in the world would he have done at zero degrees with a stiff wind? Would he have simply packed it in and gone home? How gutless. You’ve got the Greatest Show on Turf, you’re playing at home, your whole philosophy is pedal-to-the-metal when you have the ball, and you play for a field goal to force overtime when a touchdown sends you to the NFC Championship game?
How does a “genius” like Mike Martz play for OT? How does his massive ego let him get away with that?
His rationale after the game was that he didn’t want to have a pass tipped or something disastrous happen to sabotage the team. Then throw a safe screen pass to Marshall Faulk. Pitch it out to Faulk and let him see how close he can get. By suggesting that the quarterback might make a mistake, after the same quarterback twice led the team downfield (including a two-point conversion) under great pressure, Martz takes all the pressure off the coach, which is so unbelievably gutless.
Amen. No guts, no glory.
The Grand Canyon…
Grand Canyon-Parashant National Monument…
was designated under the Bureau of Land Management on this date in 2000.
The Grand Canyon-Parashant National Monument is under joint management of the BLM and the NPS [National Park Service]. Covering 1,054,264 acres of remote and unspoiled public lands, this monument is a scientific treasure, containing many of the same values that have long been protected in the Grand Canyon National Park. Deep canyons, mountains and lonely buttes testify to the power of geological forces and provide colorful vistas. Here Paleozoic and Mesozoic sedimentary rock layers are relatively undeformed and unobscured by vegetation, offering a clear view to understanding the geologic history of the Colorado Plateau. The monument encompasses the lower portion of the Shivwits Plateau, an important watershed for the Colorado River and the Grand Canyon. Beyond the phenomenal geological resources, the monument also contains countless biological and historical values.
California Coastal National Monument…
was designated under the Bureau of Land Management on this date in 2000.
[T]he California Coastal National Monument runs the entire length of the California coast (840-miles) between Oregon and Mexico, extends 12 nautical miles from the shoreline, and encompasses thousands of BLM administered islands, rocks, exposed reefs, and pinnacles above mean high tide.
Cooperatively managed with other federal, state, local government, universities, and private interests, the primary purpose of the Monument is to protect important biological and geological values. The islands, rocks, reefs, and pinnacles provide forage and breeding grounds for significant populations of birds and sea mammals.
Agua Fria National Monument…
was designated under the Bureau of Land Management on this date in 2000.
Adjacent to rapidly expanding communities, the 71,000-acre Agua Fria National Monument is approximately 40 miles north of central Phoenix. The monument encompasses two mesas and the canyon of the Agua Fria River. Elevations range from 2,150 feet above sea level along the Agua Fria Canyon to about 4,600 feet in the northern hills. This expansive mosaic of semi-desert area, cut by ribbons of valuable riparian forest, offers one of the most significant systems of prehistoric sites in the American Southwest. In addition to the rich record of human history, the monument contains outstanding biological resources.
Amelia Earhart…
began a 2,400-mile flight from Honolulu to Oakland on this date in 1935. Read The New York Times article on the flight — Miss Earhart Off On Pacific Flight; Heard About 3 Hours Out.
Earhart had already flown the Atlantic solo.
Dumas Malone…
was born in Coldwater, Michigan, on this date in 1892.
Professor Malone, who died in 1986, was a historian, biographer and editor. His foremost work, the six volume Jefferson and His Time, is the most authoritative biography of the William and Mary alumnus who became author of the Declaration of Independence, third President of the United States and founder of the University of Virginia. The last volume, Sage of Monticello was completed when Malone was 89 years-old.
Dumas Malone was presented the Medal of Freedom by President Reagan in 1983.
And then there’s cold
At 1:19 PM EST the temperature on Mount Washington, New Hampshire, was -14.6°F with a windspeed of 53 MPH, gusting to 61.
Resultant wind chill: minus 52°F.
Visibility, however, was 100 miles.
Brain-tan Buffalo robes, Buffalo hide Tipis, Buffalo skulls
Bison…It’s what’s for dinner
From the Rocky Mountain News, a report on the increased demand for bison products.
Dineen credits The Fort restaurant, a 41-year-old institution on U.S. 285 near Morrison [Colorado], for making buffalo popular in metro Denver.
“(The Fort founder) Sam Arnold has been talking about buffalo for more than 30 years,” Dineen said. “The Fort is known internationally for serving buffalo.”
Following in Arnold’s footsteps is Ted Turner, media mogul and bison rancher who founded Ted’s Montana Grill, with metro locations in Aurora, Littleton and Larimer Square.
Turner’s 15-restaurant chain (with plans for 25 more by 2005) is making it easier for bison producers to make inroads with other chain restaurants, Dineen said.
“We’re seeing more interest from multiunit restaurants than we did before Ted’s,” he said.
The popularity of high-protein diets such as Atkins also has helped raise demand for bison, he said.
Bush Lightyear
He should just say, “To infinity and beyond!” At least then our grandkids, who are going to pay for all this, would recognize it as a fantasy.
Why go to Mars? Red = Green
“President Bush’s proposal to send humans to Mars is potentially good news for an unlikely place – Maryland, the stealth space state.”
— Baltimore Sun
“President Bush’s plans to send a manned mission to Mars, as well as to establish a permanent station on the moon, could mean jobs, prestige and hundreds of million of dollars for Arizona universities and industry.”
— The Arizona Republic
“If President Bush announces next week a plan to set up a base on the moon and send people to Mars, he’ll likely turn to NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center to help make it happen, a senator and former NASA officials said Friday.
Such a cosmic charter would be a major economic boon for the economy in Huntsville and the state, aerospace and economic development officials say. But they’re cautious about making predictions until they see Bush’s plan and whether it can gain the support of Congress and the public. :
— The Birmingham News