Category: Silliness

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Bill Clinton’s Memoirs

From Letterman (April 27)

10. “I’m Writing This Chapter Naked”

9. “I Pray Hillary Doesn’t Read Pages 6, 18, 41-49, 76 And Everything Past 200”

8. “Protecting The Constitution: How To Get Gravy Stains Out Of The Parchment”

7. “A Few Of My Favorite Subpoenas”

6. “From Gennifer to Paula to Monica: Why It Pays To Keep Lowering Your Standards”

5. “1995-1998: The Extra-Pasty Years”

4. “Kneel To The Chief”

3. “What’s The Deal With That Moron You Guys Replaced Me With?”

2. “NAFTA — Bringing America Into… Ah Screw That, Who Wants To Read Some More About Bubba Gettin’ Down?”

1. “The Night I Accidentally Slept With Hillary”

People are funny

Fifty years ago there was a radio, then a television show called People Are Funny. It was a quiz show of sorts, but when the contestant failed to answer the question as a penalty they had to do something foolish — like wrestle in jello, play with spaghetti, or try to register at a hotel claiming a trained seal was their girlfriend.

It occurs to NewMexiKen that we have turned into a fulltime People Are Funny. Perhaps that silly program placed subliminal messages in our mothers’ minds while they were pregnant. As a result, we now have Fear Factor, Jackass, or news stories like the one that follows, where reality is stranger than any stunt.

A Bad Week for…

Censorship, after prudes demanded that the owner of a Tennessee gardening supply center cover up its collection of classical-style nude statues. Owner Angie Langford fashioned velvet bikinis for the $99.95 lawn ornaments, and now customers are flocking to the store and buying them up. “They are pulling up the tops and looking underneath,” she said. “They wonder what we’re hiding.”

From The Week Magazine.

Drive into the light

It’s auto insurance renewal time and the premium is actually a few dollars less than six months ago, an unexpected treat. Being put in a good mood, NewMexiKen was probably more amused by some of the possible answers to these Are You a Safe Driver? questions than they deserve, but:

3. Where should your hands be while driving?
A. 7 and 11 o’clock
B. 10 and 2 o’clock
C. One hand at 12 o’clock the other firmly holding your cell phone

4. If your signals are broken, what are you supposed to use to signal instead?
A. Your doors
B. Your left arm
C. Your children

5. In city driving a good habit is to:
A. Never make eye contact with another driver
B. Practice good judgment
C. Reduce speed and use the horn a lot

10. What should you do if an oncoming vehicle is blinding you with its high beams?
A. Drive into the light
B. Honk your horn
C. Flash your lights quickly to signal that they are on high beam.

Rare play

Regular readers of NewMexiKen know that I am a fan and constant visitor to Eschaton and the work of Atrios. It’s about the best place in the blogosphere for commentary on current issues.

But even the great hitters sometimes mess up. Today Atrios hit into the rare triple negative: “Not insignificant chunks of the internet are inaccessible today.”

Which reminds NewMexiKen of the line about Nixon’s political philosophy: “If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”

Dumb and dumber

Tucson Weekly has an article on some of the dumber criminals to pass through the system. The best example:

Danny was a local career criminal who had pulled–and botched–enough jobs to be prosecuted separately by Rick Unklesbay and two of his colleagues in the Pima County Attorney’s Office.

For the current charge against Danny, prosecutors wanted to show prior convictions. A prior conviction cannot be demonstrated simply by recitation in court or the showing a piece of paper; it has to be part of the evidence of a case. One way to accomplish that is to have the prosecutor who handled the previous case testify in court that he or she had, in fact, previously prosecuted the defendant. Identification is necessary.

In this case, Unklesbay was called on to identify the defendant, and sufficient time had passed for Unklesbay to wonder if he would still remember Danny.

As he and his colleague, Tom Rankin, walked the block from their offices to the Superior Court Building, Unklesbay had some doubt if he would be able to identify the thief.

There are four elevators in the courthouse; the doors opened on one, and the two lawyers walked in.

“Hi, Mr. Unklesbay,” said Danny. “Remember me?”

And Danny went back to prison.

Peeps update

Jacob Levy at The Volokh Conspiracy is thinking peep thoughts.

Slate’s Explainer says that 700 million Peeps will be eaten this year.

That’s all? Just two-and-a-half per man, woman, and child? Call it three for everyone old enough to be allowed to eat (semi-)solid food but not so old to have lost their teeth. Of those 230 million or so, 40 million are on low-carb diets, and another 5 million or so are diabetics. 185 million left, who will eat an average of a little less than 4 apiece.

Is there anyone who actually eats Peeps who eats only four of them?

Of, course not, they come in fives. What kind of monster would eat a few and leave the others orphaned?

Eggs

NewMexiKen figures there must be a big spike in egg sales this week, what with the Easter egg thing and all. How exactly does that work? I mean, it’s not as if chickens can work overtime.

Or can they?

Finally, the big time

From Popcultablog* Where the Culture Goes Pop

Hey when you’re hot you’re hot. Scarlett Johansson has already had box office and critical success beyond her years. First she played opposite Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, then she co-starred with Colin Firth in Girl with a Pearl Earring. Not enough for a nineteen year-old? Well this ought to do it. Her next major role will be opposite Jeffrey Tamboor as the voice of Mindy in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

Rude, crude and socially unacceptable

This item (and the two just below) are from Dave Barry’s Blog.

OK, I have a question, based on something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at a tennis tournament, and I went to get some pizza for my daughter. There were three people ahead of me in line for pizza: a guy at the front of the line, and two women together behind him. So the guy at the front of the line — we’ll call him Guy A — turns around and sees that he knows the guy behind me — Guy B — and tells him to come to the front of the line.

Guy B is reluctant, because he realizes it might be rude. So Guy A says to the women behind him, “Do you mind?” They say no.

I say nothing.

So Guy A says to Guy B, “Come on! They (meaning the two women) don’t mind.” Then, looking at me, he says: “HE minds, but he’s not saying anything.” Which was correct: I minded.

So Guy B goes to the front of the line.

Continue reading.

Dave has a similar manners question today.