NewMexiKen supposes that three or four incidents don’t make for proof, but I’m beginning to think they didn’t include turn signals as standard equipment on the Porsche Cayenne.
In a related matter, what’s with people who abruptly swerve into the left turn lane and then — once the whole planet can see their intentions — turn on their left turn signal?
In his concert video currently in rotation on HBO, comedian Lewis Black notes that when he was younger and water was free, no one ever told us to drink more water. Now that water is a commodity, we’re told to drink eight bottles a day.
Is it morally wrong to eat a Klondike bar for breakfast?
APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. “It was horrible—Cathy didn’t have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert,” said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. “We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do.” The coroner’s report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service.
From The Onion, of course.
NewMexiKen had a Cardiolite stress test. That’s a test where they inject you with radioactive isotopes to provide an image of your heart.
The test went OK, but I’m having trouble dealing with the side-effects of the nuclear medicine. I have a yearning to see the Albuquerque Isotopes minor league baseball team. I am now my own night light. And I’m finding the microwave sexually attractive.
“I thought you had a high threshold for pain.”
“Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes.”
Jay Leno
Why can’t singers appreciate that anthems (including America the Beautiful) are best sung with the original music?
[Note: NewMexiKen was NOT referring to Ray Charles, who could sing anything he wanted anyway he wanted.]
Headlines from The Onion
Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral
Grieving Rush Limbaugh Hurls Self Into Reagan’s Grave
Reconstruction Begins On Berlin Wall
Kerry Names 1969 Version of Himself As Running Mate
but don’t you think a name change might be in order, or at least an alternative spelling?
Link via Functional Ambivalent.
TYPEWRITER (10 letters) can be typed using only the top row of keys on a standard keyboard.
And, lastly, from The Week Newsletter:
Good Week For…
Ironic boredom, as a British cable channel introduced a reality program called Watching Paint Dry, in which viewers watch gloss, satin, matte, and other types of paint dry in real-time webcasts, and then vote out their least favorite.
Tasteless hilarity from Electablog.
From The Onion
No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims
NEW YORK—Contrary to claims in the June issue of Elle magazine, the no-makeup look actually requires little effort, a licensed cosmetologist reported Monday. “The article ’20 Minutes To A More Natural You’ suggests an application of under-eye concealer, light powder, natural lip gloss, and clear mascara to achieve the makeup-free look,” said Michelle Karns-Daley, spokeswoman for the American Association of Cosmetology. “But really, a quick shower and a towel-off will do the trick just as well.” Similarly, experts say Elle‘s six-page article “Building Your Self-Esteem” can be more simply stated as “Stop giving a shit about what people think.”Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great
DAVIS, CA—Following a family get-together Sunday, 7-year-old Tom Morris reported that he didn’t really see what was so great about his great-grandmother Sarah Lott. “Grandma Lott is okay, I guess, but she sorta just sat there with this dazed look on her face until Aunt Debbie gave her a chocolate-covered cherry,” Morris said. “All-right Grandma Lott, maybe. But ‘great’?” Morris conceded that there might be a side to the wheelchair-bound 87-year-old he hasn’t seen.
From Cicadaville.com
What do Cicadas eat?
Human children are the primary source of nutrition for Cicadas.Are Cicadas poisonous?
Yes, Cicadas have a deadly venom that is injected through a small bone like tube known as the “Cicada deadly venom tube”. The venom can kill a human being instantly. In 1987, the last time the Cicadas emerged in the United States, over 7 million people died from Cicada injections. Many people escaped but most perished.How do Cicadas mate?
The female cicada injects her eggs under the skin of a small human child. The cicada pupae then grow inside the child until they reach maturity. Unless you protect your children they may become host to thousands of deadly Cicada pupae. The government calls this Chicken Pox. See how to protect your children.With minor surgery and a little makeup can a large Cicada be made to resemble Ryan Seacrest?
Yes, there are many documented cases of Cicadas being successfully altered to look like Ryan Seacrest.
Click to enlarge.
Dave Pell wonders that if teenagers get the vote in California (there is an effort underway) acne might become an illness treatable with medical marijuana.
NewMexiKen is thinking that if seniors had the political clout they think they have, medical marijuana would be an approved treatment for prostate problems and osteoporosis.
And gingivitis and hair loss.
Take a look. Read it a couple times.
Goldfish® crackers should only be eaten by children who have mommies and daddies nearby to control quantity.
Yes, this is a cry for help.
NewMexiKen received this lucrative email a short while ago.
Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours
As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!
Perform Weddings, Funerals, Perform Baptisms, Forgiveness of Sins
Visit Correctional FacilitiesWant to start your own church?
Press here to find out how
Marriage for all who want to be married and communion without questioning the communicant’s political points-of-view will be dogma at the First Church of NewMexiKen.
Bad week for … Family loyalty, when Kevin Spacey’s older brother said he was writing a book that would expose Spacey’s private life. “I’m looking for 15 minutes of fame, and this book will give me that,” said the brother, a professional Rod Stewart impersonator.
The Week Newsletter