Category: Humor

Bank shot

The Bank of Burque Babble (BBB) formally announces that it is foundering, and in need of significant government assistance. We’re not proud of it, but BBB has made a series of imprudent financial decisions in recent years that have left it in a precarious position. We are, of course, referring to our sizable investments in the purchase of foreign and U.S. microbrewery beer, not to mention our Netflix, XM Radio and Broadband cable entertainment holdings.

A Formal Request For Emergency Funds From the Bank of Burque Babble continues. Fun stuff.

NewMexiKen gets email

The funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and createed a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch some one.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs!

And they vote

Middle aged woman #1: I saw that woman of The Cosby Show near Wall Street yesterday.

Middle aged woman #2: Wow, you did not! Which one?

Middle aged woman #1: Whoopi Goldberg–the one that was married to Bill Cosby in the show!

Middle aged woman #2: Oh yeah, I remember her. I think she changed her name to Whoopi Cosby now.

–A Train

Overheard in New York

Woof Woof

A friend sent NewMexiKen this amazing story:

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no … I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

It’s not funny

An Israeli doctor says…..”Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says……..”That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says…….”In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says…”You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.”

Charlie Brown has never knowingly taken steroids

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (2006). Funny stuff. A couple of excerpts:

DISTRICT ATTORNEY OTHMAR: Wah wah-wah wah, wah, wah wah-wah-wah wah?

CHARLIE BROWN: I’m sorry, sir, but I didn’t knowingly lie to the grand jury.

D.A.: Wah-wah-wah-wah?

BROWN: I did not knowingly take steroids, sir. Period. Snoopy gave me something to make me throw harder, but he said it was flaxseed oil and vitamin drops. I was tired of having the ball hit back up the middle and all my clothes torn off.

BROWN: My head’s always been this big. Ask Sally. And I’m not going bald; I’ve never had more than three hairs, sir.

Doing Your Part

As an American, you have an obligation to support your presidential candidate (Obama or McCain). So, every day until Election Day, when you drive, show who you will vote for:

If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support John S. McCain, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Spread the word.

A better way

Lewis Black suggested in one of his comedy routines a better way to select the president.

As soon as the next American Idol is chosen, blindfold them and have them throw a dart at a map of the U.S. Then take a monkey, put a parachute on him, and drop him from a plane at the spot where the dart hit. The first person the monkey takes by hand, that’s the president.

Works for me.

New McCain Ad Attacks Obama Kids

In what might be his most controversial attack ad in a campaign dominated by them, presumptive G.O.P. presidential nominee John McCain today launched a new TV spot attacking Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill)’s two children.

. . .

In the ad, which is being broadcast in key swing states, an announcer intones, “They’re the cutest children in the world – but are they ready to lead?”

. . .

The commercial goes on to blast the Obama children for “smiling and giggling but refusing to state their position on offshore oil drilling.”

While some critics questioned how well the ad would play in living rooms across America, Sen. McCain defended it, telling reporters, “It played very well in all of my living rooms.”

Andy Borowitz

Top 10 reasons to judge a restaurant unsuitable

This is a NewMexiKen perennial and today’s the day.

The top ten reasons to judge a restaurant unsuitable for a pleasant night out:

10. You pay before you eat

9. You pay after you eat, but you stand in line and pay a cashier

8. More men eating with caps on than those without caps

7. The piped-in-music is louder than the TVs

6. Soup served with soup spoon already in soup

5. They fill the condiments while you’re at the table

4. Menu includes photos of the food

3. Menu includes samples of the food stuck to pages

2. They wipe your table with a wet rag

And the number one reason to chose another restaurant if you want to impress your date or customer:

They wipe the seats of the chairs with the same rag

Is Kansas as flat as a pancake?

Two geography professors did the research.

In this report, we apply basic scientific techniques to answer the question “Is Kansas as flat as a pancake?”

While driving across the American Midwest, it is common to hear travelers remark, “This state is as flat as a pancake.” To the authors, this adage seems to qualitatively capture some characteristic of a topographic geodetic survey. This obvious question “how flat is a pancake” spurned our analytical interest, and we set out to find the ‘flatness’ of both a pancake and one particular state: Kansas.

Improbable Research

Answer: Yes.

McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet

From the great Andy Borowitz:

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on an historic first-ever visit to the Internet.

Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Internet before, advisors acknowledged that his first visit to the World Wide Web was fraught with risk.

But with his Democratic rival Barack Obama making headlines with his tour of the Middle East and Europe, the McCain campaign felt that they needed to “come up with something equally bold for John to do,” according to one advisor.

Read on, it gets better.