Category: Humor

Tough Love

This is a NewMexiKen perennial and today is the day.

Dear Abby,

I recently read your column advising grandparents on “tough love” for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclosed a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won’t behave while I’m babysitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Sign me,
Tough Love Grandpa

And the beat goes on

NewMexiKen is taking the day off to celebrate the blog’s sixth anniversary.
The posts today are being written by readers just like you. This joke is from Jeanne.

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

What does a woman really want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question — What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered — is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him — the most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day — or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT make YOUR choice before you scroll down, OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now, what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down.

The moral is —
If you don’t let a woman have her own way—
Things are going to get ugly.

Thanks to my good friend Jeanne for the story.

A rhetorical mooning

This has been posted here before, but what better day to reprise it than July 20th?

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After she finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

Debby first sent me this story, but it had been around the Internet since at least 1995. According to the Urban Legends Reference Pages:

Although it might possibly have earlier antecedents as yet unknown to us, the origin of this tale appears to be a joke Johnny Carson included in his Tonight Show monologue on the evening of 22 July 1969, two days after Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men to set foot on the surface of the moon.

Must have been ASU

Remember the other day I told you my G’pa liked to tell stories. Here’s one I remember him telling — first posted here three years ago today.

The coaches and athletic director were despondent. The big game was approaching and the star player was failing all his classes. If something wasn’t done, and done soon, he wouldn’t be eligible to play. They convinced the dean.

So, the dean approached each of the player’s professors and explained how contributions from alumni depended on how the team did in the big game — and how important this player was to winning. The dean convinced all of the teachers to change the player’s grade.

All but one.

“No,” this professor insisted, “he has to re-take the exam.”

“OK,” said the dean, “if he passes, can he play?”

“Yes,” said the professor.

“Can it be an oral exam?” asked the dean.

“Sure,” said the professor.

“With just one question?”

“Yes,” said the professor, feeling his arm twist.

“Can it be a spelling test?”

“Why not,” said the professor, now just trying to be a team player.

“A one word spelling test?”

“Sure.”

“And if he gets one letter right, he passes, right?”

“OK. OK.”

“And the word will be coffee?”

“Yes, yes, anything.”

They called the player in. Spell coffee they said.

“K-a-u-p-h-y.”

Friday stuff

“On Thursday, the Washington Post confirmed it had fired liberal online columnist Dan Froomkin. On Friday, they gave a guest column to Bush war architect Paul Wolfowitz.”

— Raw Story

“In Prof. Chen’s study, although a third of consumers bought extended-service contracts, only 8% used them at least once. She said that many of those who bought the contract but didn’t use it defended their choice by claiming it gave them peace of mind.”

— The Wallet – WSJ

Saving money gives me peace of mind. During my time in retail, I can’t tell you how much pressure was on us to sell extended-service contacts.

Two great links from Elise:

No name-calling

Postcards From Yo Momma

Best McCain-Palin lines of last night

McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has A.M. and F.M. radio. — Conan O’Brien

Hi, everyone. I’m Jimmy, I’m the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I’m planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them. — Jimmy Kimmel

Thank you very much. Welcome to the “Late Show”, ladies and gentlemen. Now, when I call your name, please come forward and pick up your apology. — David Letterman

John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he’s buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn’t use a computer. Now he’s on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What’s going on? I think he’s like Benjamin Button. He’ll be a cute little baby. — Jimmy Fallon