Category: Humor

Best closer to the truth than we might imagine line of the day

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official “proof of terrorism” I.D. card.

“All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card in order to be barred from boarding,” said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano.  “If you want to get on the no-fly list you’ll need a completed application and the $25 fee.”

Borowitz Report

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Redux joke post of the day

Two cattle buyers from Oklahoma were on a trip to Central Texas to look at a set of cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the hell was that for?” the cattle buyer asked.

“You’re in Texas, ” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

The trooper ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window and “WHACK”, the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for?” the cattle buyer demanded.

“Making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the cattle buyer asked.

“I know you cattle buyer types,” The trooper said. “A hundred feet down the road, you would’ve turned to your buddy and said… “I wish that SOB would’ve tried that on me!”

Rudy 21st Century

His name is Rudy Rutgower. He is 18-years old, 5-feet tall and he has a dream: to play college football. While he knows he’s too small to be a starter, the scrappy, never-say-die Rutgower just wants to run on the field for one play. And though he was born and raised in Vandalia, Indiana, the diminutive youngster would prefer to do it at the University of Florida because they’re not as sucky as Notre Dame.

Sports Pickle has the story.

Food is no laughing matter

I know I’m on thin blogging ice when I repost jokes that I didn’t even write, but … well, you decide, were these good enough to repeat?

An old man was lying on his death bed, wishing for one more pleasure out of life. Suddenly, he smelled the scent of cookies coming from the kitchen. With all the strength left in him, he made his way to the kitchen, where his wife was busy baking. It took all he had to reach out for a cookie. Just when he got his hands on one, his wife slapped him on the wrist. “Leave those alone,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

An atheist was hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and sure enough the bear is gaining on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear catches up to him, so man begins to run, but it’s no use because the bear is right behind him now, with one claw raised high in the air ready to come down on him. The man, gripped with fear, shouts out loud, “Oh dear God, don’t let me die.”

With that everything freezes in time, and the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above. He says “I can save you my son, but first you must believe. Do you believe?”

The man, confused and terrified, says “No, I’m an atheist, you don’t exist.”

God replies, “So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you.”

The man, scrambling to save his life, asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?”

God thinks about this for a minute and replies, “I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian.” And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all it’s momentum, drops to ground dizzy and confused. The man wondering if the bear is now a Christian doesn’t know what to think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear’s eyes get really big which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head. This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying a prayer.

Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive…”

Sometimes I'm just easily amused

This would be one of those times:

Last night in a club I stumbled drunk into the ladies’ toilet and stepped aside to let a girl pass. She stepped to the same side to let me pass though and we did so humbly smiling for a couple of times before I realized I was standing in front of the mirror.

It Made My Day