Category: Humor

Laugh out loud funny, if a little too true

Take a trip on SkyHigh Airlines. Be sure to plan an intinerary, check out the Super Scrimper Fares and see the employee of the month. And Airport Overnighter Tips:

DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING WITH YOUR BARE SKIN
Thousands and thousands and thousands of people pass through an airport on any given day. And chances are, a lot of them have something weird going on medically. Enough said.

FAST-FOOD WRAPPERS: THE TRAVELER’S MULTI-PURPOSE PAL
If travelers knew all the great uses for fast-food packaging, they wouldn’t be so quick to lick the goop off of it and throw it in the trash. But their ignorance is your gain! Stuff a fast-food sack with 2-3 dozen hamburger wrappers and voila: a fragrant pillow!

Loving one’s job

By Mark Twain [From Roughing It, 1872]

I will remark, in passing, that I only remained in the milling business one week. I told my employer I could not stay longer without an advance in my wages; that I liked quartz milling, indeed was infatuated with it; that I had never before grown so tenderly attached to an occupation in so short a time; that nothing, it seemed to me, gave such scope to intellectual activity as feeding a battery and screening tailings, and nothing so stimulated the moral attributes as retorting bullion and washing blankets–still, I felt constrained to ask an increase of salary.

He said he was paying me ten dollars a week, and thought it a good round sum. How much did I want?

I said about four hundred thousand dollars a month, and board, was about all I could reasonably ask, considering the hard times.

I was ordered off the premises! And yet, when I look back to those days and call to mind the exceeding hardness of the labor I performed in that mill, I only regret that I did not ask him seven hundred thousand.

Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act

The Onion:

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. “Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public’s access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism,” Bush said at a press conference Monday. “For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself.” Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty “in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff.”

Prescient Onion article from January 2001

Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “hush money.”
  7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
  8. Don’t use any punctuation marks.
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Ask people how old they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Evil.
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
  19. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
    And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…
  20. Cut and send this as an e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Lileks fantasizes about the next discount store

“For all its kitschy faux-50s facades, it’s strictly modern underneath. There’s a headset jack in the shopping cart. Six channels. The cafe – which has a big aquarium filled with goldfish – is WiFi equipped, and branded like a mini foodcourt. Hebrew National Hot Dogs, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a local pizzeria for local color, and some really old-style coffee name for kicks: BUTTER-NUT. Or MAXWELL HOUSE.”

Read the whole column.

Hard Rock

“Rap metal is nothing but affirmative action for white people.” Chris Rock hosting the MTV Video Music Awards.

Rock on “American Idol”: “Having Paula Abdul judge singers is like having Christopher Reeve judge a dance contest.”

Country lyrics

  • “Cause he’s gonna live forever if the good die young” — Tracy Lawrence
  • “You can’t help how you don’t feel” — Lonestar
  • “I’ve always been crazy, but it’s kept me from going insane” — Waylon Jennings
  • “I’m much too young to feel this damn old” — Garth Brooks
  • “I’m a little past Little Rock but a long way from over you” — Lee Ann Womack
  • “It’s too hot to fish, too hot for golf, and too cold at home” — Mark Chesnutt
  • “She said: ‘I’m gonna’ hire a wino
    to decorate our home,
    So you’ll feel more at ease here,
    and you won’t have to roam.
    We’ll take out the dining room table,
    and put a bar along that wall.
    And a neon sign, to point the way,
    to our bathroom down the hall.'” — David Frizzell

If Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama…

  1. Their #1 product would be “Microsoft Winders.”
  2. Instead of an hourglass icon, you would get an empty beer bottle.
  3. Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and duct tape.
  4. Instead of “Yes,” “No,” “Cancel”, dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Aww-right,” “Naw,” or “Git.”
  5. Instead of “Ta-Da!”‘, the opening sound would be “Dueling Banjos.”
  6. The “Recycle Bin” in Winders would be an outhouse.
  7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you would hear a digitized drunk yelling “Freebird!” and “Roll Tide.”
  8. Power Point would be “Par Pawnt.”
  9. Microsoft’s programming tool would be “Vishual Basic.”
  10. Winders Logo would incorporate the Confederate flag.
  11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
  12. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
  13. “Flight Simulator” would be replaced by “NASCAR Simulator.”
  14. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (aka “Bubba”) Gates.
  15. Direct link to WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.

Slightly revised from list found on the ‘net.

Catty caddies

From the “Morning Briefing” in the Los Angeles Times:

Golfer: “Do you think we can find that one?” Caddie: “Sir, you could wrap that ball with bacon and Lassie couldn’t find it.”

Golfer: “Do you mind not checking your watch so often—you’re really making me nervous.” Caddie: “This isn’t a watch, it’s a compass.”