And, lastly, from The Week Newsletter:
Good Week For…
Ironic boredom, as a British cable channel introduced a reality program called Watching Paint Dry, in which viewers watch gloss, satin, matte, and other types of paint dry in real-time webcasts, and then vote out their least favorite.
Tasteless hilarity from Electablog.
From The Onion
No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims
NEW YORK—Contrary to claims in the June issue of Elle magazine, the no-makeup look actually requires little effort, a licensed cosmetologist reported Monday. “The article ’20 Minutes To A More Natural You’ suggests an application of under-eye concealer, light powder, natural lip gloss, and clear mascara to achieve the makeup-free look,” said Michelle Karns-Daley, spokeswoman for the American Association of Cosmetology. “But really, a quick shower and a towel-off will do the trick just as well.” Similarly, experts say Elle‘s six-page article “Building Your Self-Esteem” can be more simply stated as “Stop giving a shit about what people think.”Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great
DAVIS, CA—Following a family get-together Sunday, 7-year-old Tom Morris reported that he didn’t really see what was so great about his great-grandmother Sarah Lott. “Grandma Lott is okay, I guess, but she sorta just sat there with this dazed look on her face until Aunt Debbie gave her a chocolate-covered cherry,” Morris said. “All-right Grandma Lott, maybe. But ‘great’?” Morris conceded that there might be a side to the wheelchair-bound 87-year-old he hasn’t seen.
From Cicadaville.com
What do Cicadas eat?
Human children are the primary source of nutrition for Cicadas.Are Cicadas poisonous?
Yes, Cicadas have a deadly venom that is injected through a small bone like tube known as the “Cicada deadly venom tube”. The venom can kill a human being instantly. In 1987, the last time the Cicadas emerged in the United States, over 7 million people died from Cicada injections. Many people escaped but most perished.How do Cicadas mate?
The female cicada injects her eggs under the skin of a small human child. The cicada pupae then grow inside the child until they reach maturity. Unless you protect your children they may become host to thousands of deadly Cicada pupae. The government calls this Chicken Pox. See how to protect your children.With minor surgery and a little makeup can a large Cicada be made to resemble Ryan Seacrest?
Yes, there are many documented cases of Cicadas being successfully altered to look like Ryan Seacrest.
Click to enlarge.
Dave Pell wonders that if teenagers get the vote in California (there is an effort underway) acne might become an illness treatable with medical marijuana.
NewMexiKen is thinking that if seniors had the political clout they think they have, medical marijuana would be an approved treatment for prostate problems and osteoporosis.
And gingivitis and hair loss.
Take a look. Read it a couple times.
“Bob Kerrey and Lee Hamilton left the meeting [with the 9/11 commission] early to go to another meeting. Where do you possibly have to go? You’re meeting with the president and the vice president about the future of the free world and who do you have to meet, the cable guy?”
Jay Leno
Goldfish® crackers should only be eaten by children who have mommies and daddies nearby to control quantity.
Yes, this is a cry for help.
NewMexiKen received this lucrative email a short while ago.
Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours
As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!
Perform Weddings, Funerals, Perform Baptisms, Forgiveness of Sins
Visit Correctional FacilitiesWant to start your own church?
Press here to find out how
Marriage for all who want to be married and communion without questioning the communicant’s political points-of-view will be dogma at the First Church of NewMexiKen.
Bad week for … Family loyalty, when Kevin Spacey’s older brother said he was writing a book that would expose Spacey’s private life. “I’m looking for 15 minutes of fame, and this book will give me that,” said the brother, a professional Rod Stewart impersonator.
The Week Newsletter
eBay item 4146756343 is sold, but the story behind it is pretty funny and the photos hilarious.
Update: See here.
From Letterman (April 27)
10. “I’m Writing This Chapter Naked”
9. “I Pray Hillary Doesn’t Read Pages 6, 18, 41-49, 76 And Everything Past 200”
8. “Protecting The Constitution: How To Get Gravy Stains Out Of The Parchment”
7. “A Few Of My Favorite Subpoenas”
6. “From Gennifer to Paula to Monica: Why It Pays To Keep Lowering Your Standards”
5. “1995-1998: The Extra-Pasty Years”
4. “Kneel To The Chief”
3. “What’s The Deal With That Moron You Guys Replaced Me With?”
2. “NAFTA — Bringing America Into… Ah Screw That, Who Wants To Read Some More About Bubba Gettin’ Down?”
1. “The Night I Accidentally Slept With Hillary”
The Banana Guard does exactly what it says. Take a look.
Link via Dave Barry.
NewMexiKen doesn’t mind spilling coffee. Stuff happens.
What I do mind is when I go to pour coffee and say to myself, “Be careful, don’t spill it,” and then spill it.
Fifty years ago there was a radio, then a television show called People Are Funny. It was a quiz show of sorts, but when the contestant failed to answer the question as a penalty they had to do something foolish — like wrestle in jello, play with spaghetti, or try to register at a hotel claiming a trained seal was their girlfriend.
It occurs to NewMexiKen that we have turned into a fulltime People Are Funny. Perhaps that silly program placed subliminal messages in our mothers’ minds while they were pregnant. As a result, we now have Fear Factor, Jackass, or news stories like the one that follows, where reality is stranger than any stunt.
A Bad Week for…
Censorship, after prudes demanded that the owner of a Tennessee gardening supply center cover up its collection of classical-style nude statues. Owner Angie Langford fashioned velvet bikinis for the $99.95 lawn ornaments, and now customers are flocking to the store and buying them up. “They are pulling up the tops and looking underneath,” she said. “They wonder what we’re hiding.”
From The Week Magazine.
From The Onion, New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.
WASHINGTON, DC—In the latest round of political mudslinging, both John Kerry’s and George W. Bush’s election committees have replaced ads that focus on their opponents’ shortcomings with ads that personally insult the voting public.
It’s auto insurance renewal time and the premium is actually a few dollars less than six months ago, an unexpected treat. Being put in a good mood, NewMexiKen was probably more amused by some of the possible answers to these Are You a Safe Driver? questions than they deserve, but:
3. Where should your hands be while driving?
A. 7 and 11 o’clock
B. 10 and 2 o’clock
C. One hand at 12 o’clock the other firmly holding your cell phone
4. If your signals are broken, what are you supposed to use to signal instead?
A. Your doors
B. Your left arm
C. Your children
5. In city driving a good habit is to:
A. Never make eye contact with another driver
B. Practice good judgment
C. Reduce speed and use the horn a lot
10. What should you do if an oncoming vehicle is blinding you with its high beams?
A. Drive into the light
B. Honk your horn
C. Flash your lights quickly to signal that they are on high beam.
Regular readers of NewMexiKen know that I am a fan and constant visitor to Eschaton and the work of Atrios. It’s about the best place in the blogosphere for commentary on current issues.
But even the great hitters sometimes mess up. Today Atrios hit into the rare triple negative: “Not insignificant chunks of the internet are inaccessible today.”
Which reminds NewMexiKen of the line about Nixon’s political philosophy: “If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
Tucson Weekly has an article on some of the dumber criminals to pass through the system. The best example:
Danny was a local career criminal who had pulled–and botched–enough jobs to be prosecuted separately by Rick Unklesbay and two of his colleagues in the Pima County Attorney’s Office.
For the current charge against Danny, prosecutors wanted to show prior convictions. A prior conviction cannot be demonstrated simply by recitation in court or the showing a piece of paper; it has to be part of the evidence of a case. One way to accomplish that is to have the prosecutor who handled the previous case testify in court that he or she had, in fact, previously prosecuted the defendant. Identification is necessary.
In this case, Unklesbay was called on to identify the defendant, and sufficient time had passed for Unklesbay to wonder if he would still remember Danny.
As he and his colleague, Tom Rankin, walked the block from their offices to the Superior Court Building, Unklesbay had some doubt if he would be able to identify the thief.
There are four elevators in the courthouse; the doors opened on one, and the two lawyers walked in.
“Hi, Mr. Unklesbay,” said Danny. “Remember me?”
And Danny went back to prison.
Jacob Levy at The Volokh Conspiracy is thinking peep thoughts.
Slate’s Explainer says that 700 million Peeps will be eaten this year.
That’s all? Just two-and-a-half per man, woman, and child? Call it three for everyone old enough to be allowed to eat (semi-)solid food but not so old to have lost their teeth. Of those 230 million or so, 40 million are on low-carb diets, and another 5 million or so are diabetics. 185 million left, who will eat an average of a little less than 4 apiece.
Is there anyone who actually eats Peeps who eats only four of them?
Of, course not, they come in fives. What kind of monster would eat a few and leave the others orphaned?