Category: Humor

Here is an example of the kind of item NewMexiKen refuses to link to. Look out the window of the third photo down.

Quick, before they pull the photo.

Link via Functional Ambivalent who got it from Farm Accident Digest.

Yet another in a series of occasional household tips based on NewMexiKen’s personal experience:

When intending to keep the remaining coffee warm after pouring the first cup, it’s best to place the carafe back on the hot plate of the coffee maker, rather than on the counter.

Previous hints here and here.

NewMexiKen’s list of the top ten reasons to chose another restaurant if you want to impress your date or customer:

10. You pay before you eat

9. You pay after you eat, but you stand in line and pay a cashier

8. More men eating with caps/hats on than those without caps/hats

7. The piped-in-music is louder than the TVs

6. Soup served with soup spoon already in soup

5. They fill the condiments while you’re at the table

4. Menu includes photos of the food

3. Menu includes samples of the food stuck to pages

2. They wipe your table with a wet rag

And the number one reason to chose another restaurant if you want to impress your date or customer

They wipe the seats of the chairs with the same rag

Jaws in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. Enjoy!

Update: Titanic in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Joel Achenbach wrote this terrific little piece about Starbucks last August. He begins:

Going to Starbucks is one of the most challenging and worrisome things an urban person can do. It is not for the faint of heart or the indecisive of mind. It is an exact science, like human space flight. The slightest misstep can mean disaster.

There is, for starters, the important question of which Starbucks to patronize. In many modern American cities, people have a bewildering number of Starbuckses to choose from. (You may recall that the Starbucks pandemic inspired a story in the Onion about a Starbucks opening in the bathroom of an existing Starbucks.)

If you’ve ever been, you will probably enjoy Joel’s essay. Unless, that is, caffeine withdrawal is making you cranky.

Sign via Church Sign Generator.

Another in a series of occasional household tips based on NewMexiKen’s personal experience:

When making coffee with an automatic coffee-maker, always remember to place the carafe in the coffee-maker before starting to make coffee.

Reported by Harper’s:

Percentage change in Mattel’s first-quarter earnings last winter, when Barbie and Ken’s “break-up” was announced : -73

NewMexiKen always assumed much of Barbie’s success was due to Ken.

Time for a little silliness around here.

Link via Avedon Carol, who says she’s pretending she’s didn’t actually link to it.

NewMexiKen was told today I was a good patient after the dentist completed two restorations (fillings) somewhere just left of my right ear.

Atrios provides this insight from the Democratic convention:

Just because something looks like shampoo, doesn’t mean that it is.

This has been your helpful travel hint of the day.

NewMexiKen supposes that three or four incidents don’t make for proof, but I’m beginning to think they didn’t include turn signals as standard equipment on the Porsche Cayenne.

In a related matter, what’s with people who abruptly swerve into the left turn lane and then — once the whole planet can see their intentions — turn on their left turn signal?

In his concert video currently in rotation on HBO, comedian Lewis Black notes that when he was younger and water was free, no one ever told us to drink more water. Now that water is a commodity, we’re told to drink eight bottles a day.

Is it morally wrong to eat a Klondike bar for breakfast?

Awful Plastic Surgery

APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. “It was horrible—Cathy didn’t have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert,” said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. “We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do.” The coroner’s report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service.

From The Onion, of course.

NewMexiKen had a Cardiolite stress test. That’s a test where they inject you with radioactive isotopes to provide an image of your heart.

The test went OK, but I’m having trouble dealing with the side-effects of the nuclear medicine. I have a yearning to see the Albuquerque Isotopes minor league baseball team. I am now my own night light. And I’m finding the microwave sexually attractive.

“I thought you had a high threshold for pain.”

“Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes.”

Jay Leno

Why can’t singers appreciate that anthems (including America the Beautiful) are best sung with the original music?

[Note: NewMexiKen was NOT referring to Ray Charles, who could sing anything he wanted anyway he wanted.]

Headlines from The Onion

Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral

Grieving Rush Limbaugh Hurls Self Into Reagan’s Grave

Reconstruction Begins On Berlin Wall

Kerry Names 1969 Version of Himself As Running Mate

but don’t you think a name change might be in order, or at least an alternative spelling?

Link via Functional Ambivalent.

TYPEWRITER (10 letters) can be typed using only the top row of keys on a standard keyboard.