Category: Humor

Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. “Mr. Peterson’s story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years,” Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. “His story shall be remanded to Lifetime’s custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen.” Delucci ordered that Peterson’s team of lawyers be present for the casting.

The Onion

Wal-Mart, the world’s largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent.

From The Onion

Cluster ballooning.

“The president sent out two million Christmas cards whereas President Clinton only sent out a half a million. But to be fair President Clinton did send out five million valentine cards.”

Jay Leno

From USATODAY.com

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) Police followed a trail of doughnuts to find a stolen Krispy Kreme delivery truck.

“It has a happy ending,” Swatara Township Sgt. Robert Simmonds said. “The evidence was brought back to the police station, and the cops are eating the doughnuts.”

It was 12:45 a.m. Thursday when Krispy Kreme deliveryman Tim Trostle stopped at a Swatara Township convenience store and left the engine running as he made the delivery. Someone fled with the truck, but since Trostle had left the back doors open, police were able to follow a trail of doughnuts.

The doughnut trail ended before long, but police in a nearby township found a doughnut cart near the Harrisburg city line. City police found the truck near a downtown bar.
…

Although Simmonds had been joking about police taking the contents of the truck, he acknowledged seeing Krispy Kreme doughnuts in a station conference room Thursday.

From The Onion

Julia Roberts’ new twins, Hazel and Phinnaeus, cause Paul Farhi concern in The Washington Post:

Celebrity baby names these days are very . . . different. We say this not to pass judgment, but to point out one more way celebrities are not like the rest of us.

The list keeps growing. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are the parents of Rumer Glenn, Scout LaRue and Tallulah Belle. Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin recently begat Apple. Sylvester Stallone sired Sage Moonblood and Sistine Rose. Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette are the proud parents of Coco. Singer Erykah Badu — herself on the celebrity all-name team — has a child named Puma. John Travolta and Kelly Preston named their boy Jett. Christie Brinkley’s youngest is a girl named Sailor. The late rock star Michael Hutchence named his daughter Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. Long-ago rock star Bob Geldof calls daughter Fifi Trixabelle to dinner. Soccer star David Beckham and Victoria “Posh Spice” Adams’s brood includes Brooklyn, Romeo and a soon-to-be wee one who reportedly may be dubbed San Miguel. Supermodel Claudia Schiffer has a girl named Clementine, as does Cybill Shepherd. Rob Morrow, of “Northern Exposure” quasi-fame, dubbed his baby Tu, as in Tu Morrow.

We’d mention that Michael Jackson named one of his children Prince Michael, but this seems like the least Out There thing about Michael Jackson.

Link via dangerousmeta.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, the woman got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

Thanks to Debby.

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

[Thanks to Byron for passing along the story.]

Top Ten John Kerry Excuses:

10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn’t get flu shots.

9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots.

5. Should’ve campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico.

3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady.

1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O’Reilly.

Top Ten Ways George Bush Celebrated:

10. Eliminated tax cut for 55 million Americans who voted for Kerry.

9. Went trippin’ on a handful of Cheney’s heart pills.

6. Pretended not to notice his father’s envious weeping.

5. Dug out tapes of some of his favorite Texas executions.

1. Asked for Laura’s help with a very different bulge under his suit.

“In fact, the GOP did so well, the only Republican without a mandate: Dick Cheney’s daughter.”
— Jay Leno

“Democrats and liberals, stop saying you’re going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can’t get away from Bush by moving to France because that’s where we’re invading next.”
— Bill Maher

“There’s already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they’re already hard at work planning to lose the next one.”
— Bill Maher

“John Kerry said yesterday, ‘In an American election, there is no loser.’ Uh, earth to John.”
— Jay Leno