Category: Humor

Law professor Michael Froomkin has a sleeper in his early morning class, which leads to this story —

The whole incident reminds me, albeit somewhat uncomfortably, of a story that was popular when I was a law student at Yale. Myres McDougal, the great international lawyer, was emeritus by the time I got there, but his v e r y slow southern drawl was as distinctive as ever. The story was that when, as a young man, he had taught at Columbia, they had given him a lecture room with a ground floor and a balcony. Supposedly, one of the Columbia students fell asleep in the front row of the balcony. McDougal looked as his seating chart, called on the student next to the sleeper and asked him to please waken his colleague.

The student supposedly responded, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up.”

“Kirstie Alley has signed a deal with Jenny Craig. I don’t want to say she’s gotten big but if “Cheers” was on today, she’d be Norm.”

Leno

Did you hear about this? 300 passengers on a northwest flight from Amsterdam to Seattle got stranded onboard the plane for 28 hours with hardly any food or water. You know what you call a seat in a tiny seat with no food or water? Southwest.

The Bush administration announced it wants to change the social security formula and cut benefits by near 1/3rd in the next 20-30 years. The new program is called “Good luck grandma, you’re on your own. You’ve fallen and you can’t get up.”

Last night Fox had a 90 minute special for their new show “Who’s Your Daddy?” Where a woman has to guess which one of eight guys is her real father. That’s better than the original title “Which one of you guys was on my mom?”

It did terrible in the ratings. It did so bad, even my Tivo said, “I’m not taping this crap.”

A company now is developing a helmet for snowboarders with a built in phone. This way when you’re distracted on the phone and hit a tree you can call 911.

“The temperature was cold, wasn’t it? It was so cold, Karl Malone got his tongue stuck on Kobe’s wife.”

“According to ‘In Touch’ magazine Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair products for men. Donald Trump hair products? Isn’t that a little like Keith Richards coming out with his own line of facial creams.”

And from New Year’s Eve:

“Happy New Year everybody! We’re live tonight. Unfortunately, so is bin Laden. And Scott Peterson.”

“Andre Champagne has announced they have a new screw on top that keeps their four-dollar bottle of champagne bubbling for days. Well that’s good news – you wouldn’t want to rush through a four dollar bottle of champagne. That’s something you want to keep in the refrigerator next to the half eaten Big Mac in the zip lock bag. “

Link via FunctionalAmbivalent.

Observation: If there’s a hell it involves dental work.

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75. They’ve also put up a new sign that says “Your wallet must be this big to get in.”

I know the rides are fun, but – for almost 60 bucks? For that kind of money, you should get a lap dance from Tinkerbell.

It looks like the fourth Indiana Jones movie will finally happen. Harrison Ford has agreed to be in it. At this point, they don’t need Sean Connery anymore. Harrison Ford is now old enough to play his own father.

“You can tell it’s the holidays. Authorities raided the Neverland Ranch today and found Michael Jackson in bed with the Little Drummer Boy.”

Jay Leno

Selections from the Tucson Weekly:

BOOBS
Nearly 200 women applying to work at a West Covina, Calif., Hooters were secretly videotaped in a trailer while they undressed to put on a Hooters outfit.

IT’S ALL THOSE WINTER VISITORS SWIPING DIAPERS FROM WALGREENS
For the second year in a row, Tucson had the highest property crime rate in the nation. Property crimes include burglary, theft and auto theft. Tucson’s rate was 17 percent higher than that of Memphis, Tenn., the second-place city.

JANET AND THE TWIINS
A Tucson T-shirt shop–X-Tee’s Offensive Wear–specializes in message T-shirts that upset, outrage and titillate. One shows a picture of Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breast at the Super Bowl. Caption: “He should have gone for two.”

BIG PILES OF MUSH
Authorities disciplined a security screener at the Denver International Airport, and several others at airports across the country, for sending their bodies through checkpoint X-ray machines to see what their brains looked like.

“President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as ‘Person of the Year’ by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine.”
— Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, I received a Christmas card from Donald Rumsfeld in the mail. Would have been nice if he had actually signed it.”
— David Letterman

NewMexiKen had forgotten how much fun The Style Invitational can be. Some practical jokes that are likely to backfire:

When a colleague shows up with a new hairstyle, stare concernedly at the person’s head and ask, “Have you retained counsel?”

Load the kids in the car and tell them you’re taking them to Disneyland. Sing Disney tunes along the way. Then drive them to an abandoned parking lot and tell them it has been shut down and demolished. Blame their Sunday school teacher.

After removing your patient’s mole, tell her, “You’ll never believe what that mole really was” and hold up a dead cockroach with tweezers. After she comes to, she’ll thank you. After all, laughter is the best medicine!

When your toddler wants to push the button in the elevator, let him. As soon as he does so, scream, “Not that one! That’s the one that makes the elevator blow up!” Little kids get so excited about getting to hear a big noise.

From The Style Invitational in The Washington Post:

Clinton’s right ventricle

What, besides the Florida elections office, worked just well enough to prevent a Gore presidency?

Beats Per Minute: “I’m Going To Get Tutored”

Kevin Doughten in The New York Times:

I had always hoped you’d never have to hear this, but the newspapers have it now, so it’s only a matter of time. I prefer that you get the story from me, so here goes: for the past three Christmas shopping seasons, I have been taking performance-enhancing drugs to give myself a competitive advantage at the mall.

I’d like to apologize first to those my actions hurt the most: my family, my friends, and the management and staff of the stores at the Garden State Plaza Mall in Paramus, N.J. But I also want to apologize to my fellow shoppers. You deserve a level playing field out there in the aisles, but when I can easily rip the last U2 iPod Special Edition from your hands and then toss you aside like used gift wrap – well, no one would call that a fair contest. To those that I have body-checked or pancaked on my way to a display rack of progressive-scan DVD players, I am truly sorry.

It gets even better.