Category: Humor

Numismatic nirvana

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the success of its 50 State Quarters program—deemed one of the most popular commemorative-coin programs in American history—the U.S. Mint announced its next ambitious project: releasing a unique penny for every county in the nation.

“Located in the first state in the union, Delaware’s Kent County will be the first county honored in this grand celebration of America,” U.S. Mint Director Henrietta Holsman Fore said Monday. “But over the coming years, citizens all across the nation will see the best aspects of their own counties celebrated on the obverse side of a penny. Collecting all 3,143 county pennies will be a fun activity your family will enjoy for generations.”

Starting in 2006, the U.S. Mint will release five new pennies per year for the next 629 years. While the process will be a long one, residents of the nation’s 3,143 counties and county equivalents have already begun debating how their regions should be depicted.

The Onion

Bush-whacked

• The president knew in advance [the First Lady] was going to speak, but he never saw the material. Basically, same way he handles his intelligence briefing.

• President Bush said today that the social security is going bankrupt. The good news is that won’t happen for at least 50 years and by then you won’t have to worry about social security because the temperature will be 158 degrees!

Jay Leno

Top Ten Signs You’ve Hired A Bad Secretary

10. Files all documents under “D” for “Document”.

9. Types 60 words a week.

8. Autopsies on her last 5 bosses show lethal amounts of wite-out.

7. “Flu attacks” suspiciously coincide with Yankees home day games.

6. Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him not to.

5. Will only dispense “petty cash” to Tom Petty or one of the Heartbreakers.

4. Instead of chatting by water cooler, goes 30 miles away to chat by reservoir.

3. You asked if anyone called–he said, “I’m not here to talk about the past, I’m here to talk about the present.”

2. Every night tries to fax self home.

1. Filed a sexual harassment lawsuit because you asked her to take dictation.

David Letterman

NewMexiKen had a secretary who — after I left — had many of the office files blow out of her car trunk in a mall parking lot.

Cheap date

“Just 72 hours after President Bush met with crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base, we’d be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now.”

Jay Leno

Chuckle

“Newly elected Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that he had prayed to God that he would not be elected. The new pope then went on to emphasize the power of prayer.”

Dennis Miller

“How disgusting is this? Here it is folks, this is the end of the world…. A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia, is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome.”

Jay Leno

Jay talking

• Electronics experts say that by 2009 people will be able to watch TV programs on their cell phones. So we are now exactly four years away from the largest car accident is history.

• Business news — U.S. Airways and America West are in talks to merge…to form one really crappy airline.

Jay Leno

Tuning in

What’s really on President Bush’s iPod:

  • “Head Like a Hole” (Nine Inch Nails)
  • “American Idiot” (Green Day)
  • “Sympathy for the Devil” (The Rolling Stones)
  • “Rock the Casbah” (The Clash)
  • “Ohio” (CSNY)
  • “Girlfriend in a Coma” (The Smiths)
  • “It’s Raining Men” (The Weather Girls)
  • “Just Like Heaven” (The Cure)
  • “Spirit in the Sky” (Norman Greenbaum)
  • “God’s Country” (U2)
  • “Cocaine” (Eric Clapton)
  • “Casey Jones” (Grateful Dead)
  • “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” (George Thoroughgood)
  • “Lies” (Thompson Twins)
  • “Loser” (Beck)
  • “Big Mouth Strikes Again” (The Smiths)
  • “What a Shame About Me” (Steely Dan)
  • “War” (Edwin Starr)
  • “Poppa Don’t Preach” (Madonna)
  • “Blinded Me with Science” (Thomas Dolby)
  • “Southern Man” (Neil Young)
  • “Sweet Home Alabama” (Lynrd Skynrd)
  • “U.S. Blues” (Grateful Dead)
  • “Straight Outta Compton” (NWA)
  • “Fight the Power” (Public Enemy)

PERRspectives Blog

The Onion Guide to Preparing a Living Will

Key points:

  • It’s important to have a lawyer present when you draft a living will, as it makes the desire to be dead that much more tangible.
  • Specify which flavor of feeding-tube nutrient you prefer. Otherwise, you may get stuck with cream of mushroom day in and day out.
  • Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough.
  • Research medical life-support technology and specify whether you’d prefer to be hooked up to a Danninger Continuous Passive Motion device, an Emerson suction unit, or a Slushee machine.
  • Comatose people have been shown to exhibit a brainstem-level response to music, so prepare a decade’s worth of mix tapes in advance.

There’s more at The Onion

Cherry blossoms

“This week, tourists are flocking to Washington, flocking, because the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. Did you know that? It’s really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful, President Bush told the logging industry, ‘Wait ’til next week to chop ’em down.'”

Jay Leno

Latest from Google

Google Gulp

At Google our mission is to organize the world’s information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information’s usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who’s using it. That’s why we’re pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.

Getting organized

I was going to comment earlier but I was too busy merging my “to do” lists. When that was complete, I had to reorder and generally revise the master copy, which to be honest ended up a total rewrite. First item, as always, “organize”.

Then I had to spend some time rethinking how I categorize my password list. (For the curious, my current scheme goes by service; for example, email portals, financial accounts, shopping websites, utility accounts, etc. Within service, it gets tricky. For shopping, it’s further broken down into book stores, travel sites, auction sites, so forth. Yes, it bothers me that “travel sites” doesn’t have a better fit than with “shopping”, but I just can’t nail down a universal solution. Alphabetical is so 1993.)

Of course, I’m joking about all this. Ha ha.

Jason, first posted as a comment

Talking the talk

• John Salley, co-host of FSN’s “Best Damn Sports Show Period,” on reports of steroid use by NFL players in the 1970s: “Who cares? Their job is to entertain us and go back to their cages.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on the Yankees’ Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui — not Jason Giambi or Gary Sheffield — being chosen for random drug tests this week: “By this logic, the Nuremburg trials would have indicted General Eisenhower and Bob Hope.”

Sideline Chatter

Things Stressed Women Say At Work

  • Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.
  • You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
  • Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
  • Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
  • Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  • Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
  • Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
  • I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!
  • Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
  • Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
  • I work 60 hours a week to be this poor.
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.
  • Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  • You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
  • I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
  • You are depriving some village of an idiot.
  • If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Functional Ambivalent

My best blogging buddy, Functional Ambivalent, refers to the University of West Virginia – University of Louisville game tomorrow as the “NewMexiKen Regional Final of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship.” (It’s the game in Albuquerque.) I suppose after such kindness I’ll have to root for his team, the Louisville Cardinals, who are anything but “Ambivalent” about winning.

Functional Ambivalent has also posted — after a lengthy lapse — one of his funny — but totally distasteful — sex day essays. (I have to include the “distasteful” disclaimer in case Sister Baptista, or Sister Mary Francetta, or any of the others who prayed me through ten years of Catholic schools are reading this.) Of course, I only view Functional Ambivalent for the photos.

Leno

“Gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and O.J. are forced to carpool in their search for the real killers.”