Category: Humor

Flour and Sugar and Eggs – Oh My!

Juanita (Susan DuQuesnay Bankston) tells about the reaction to Nooky’s Erotic Bakery. She begins:

Most of you are familiar with our local Spirit of Freedom Republican Women. They are real; they meet monthly. They are one of the few local Republican clubs that doesn’t have a website of its own. I suspect that’s because they’re pretty much positive that the Internet is a tool of the devil, secular humanists, and Jennifer Anniston.

Go have a laugh.

Darth Vader

“The Air Force announced this week that it must secure outer space to protect the nation from attacks so they want President Bush’s approval of Star Wars space weapons. In fact, right after they made that announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in the president’s ear, ‘I am your father.'”

Jay Leno

Laugh break

“The White House said that the ‘Newsweek’ report had damaged the U.S. image overseas. And believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas the White House knows what it’s talking about.”

Jay Leno

15 minutes just about up

“Remember how much fun it was, the Runaway Bride? Remember she was supposed to get married a couple weeks ago and she goes nuts and she hops on a bus and goes to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Her name is Jennifer Wilbanks and apparently she’s been arrested three times for shoplifting. But her fiancé, John Mason, John Mason, this guy says he still wants to marry her. John, listen to me: Have you ever heard the expression ‘dodged a bullet’?”

David Letterman

Bless me, father

“According to The National Enquirer, Michael Jackson has secretly sold his Neverland ranch for $35 million. The scary part – you know who the buyer is? The Boston Archdiocese.”

Jay Leno

Number nonsense

When a prominent athlete joins a new team after contract talks, the negotiations in a high-stakes numbers game have often only just begun. Jeff Feagles, the punter for the Giants, wore No. 10 until he sold it to the rookie quarterback Eli Manning last spring for a one-week vacation in Florida. Then Feagles switched to No. 17, which he sold this off-season to receiver Plaxico Burress for a new outdoor kitchen at his home in Phoenix.

What Is a Number Worth? Some Athletes Pay the Price – New York Times

NewMexiKen would be willing to sell the “III” after my name for the right deal.

It’s Only Rock ‘N’ Roll

“Actually the [Rolling] Stones are calling this tour “The Onstage Tour” because at each show a group of fans will be sitting up on stage with the band. Isn’t that also called assisted living? Having people around just in case.”

Jay Leno

Sticky fingers

A bottle of maple syrup fell from Jason Kottke’s refrigerator onto the floor. NewMexiKen likes Kottke’s original plans for dealing with it:

My first reaction upon seeing the sticky pointy superhero of a mess was to abandon all my possessions and move immediately to a new apartment. After seriously considering that for a few seconds, I then decided to leave it for the ants. I currently have no ants in my apartment, but I’m sure a big puddle of liquid sugar in the middle of the kitchen floor is just the thing to attract some.

He has moved on to less practical approaches: How to clean up maple syrup.

Church talk

The American Street has the opening weekend church bulletin for Our Lady of the Perpetual Democrat Church and Day Spa.

Pretty funny. Note the signs on the church and the choice of communion wine.

NewMexiKen always liked Garrison Keillor’s name for the Catholic church in Lake Wobegon — Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility.

Take me for a ride in your car-car

At Rox Populi there has been a series of photos (now 182) with instructions to Write Your Own Caption.

PutinandBush.jpg

The best caption NewMexiKen saw for this photo was:

“I’m a really good driver…yeeaah…definitely a good driver….UH OH! 33 minutes to judge Wopner.”

Cinco de Mayo reprise

“I tell you, I went to the dullest Cinco de Mayo party last night. It was given by The Minutemen.”

Leno

(The Minutemen is the name of the border surveillance vigilante group.)

That damn Carlo

NewMexiKen just received a piece of junk email (I didn’t read it, Outlook did). It had the subject line “tell Sonny not to come over.”

Too late, “They shot Sonny on the Causeway. He’s dead.”

Much improved

NewMexiKen feels so much better about life now that I’ve learned you can toss the liquid Tide dispenser cup into the load of wash and then it won’t be sitting around all yukky and sticky all the time.

Grandpa and Grammar

1. Shouldn’t it be Jesus comma Christ (that is: Jesus, Christ), rather than Jesus Christ (no punctuation). Christ is a title right, not technically part of his name?

2. Why is “frigging” acceptable and “f***ing” not? Aren’t words just symbols? So in this case isn’t frigging just a symbol for f***king?

3. There’s a sign I’ve seen a couple of times this week:

SLOW
MY DADDY
AND MOMMY
WORKS HERE

Now, understand I mean no disparagement to highway construction workers. That people drive recklessly through construction zones and endanger workers is an obscenity. And the sign is cute with its attempt to copy a young child’s lettering.

But this particular sign is just wrong. “My Daddy and Mommy Works Here.” Plural noun, singular verb. (Gasp!) Furthermore, do you suppose some kid actually has both his/her dad and mom working on the site? Daddies and mommies might both work there, but “My Daddy and Mommy”? Are we into nepotism in road construction? Doubtful.

Here’s what NewMexiKen suggests:

JESUS, CHRIST
SLOW DOWN
YOU FRIGGING ASSHOLE
PARENTS WORK HERE

More vacation photos

NewMexiKen was going to post photos of my Cinco De May trip to Margaritaville but it seems the pictures are all out of focus.

No, wait, the pictures are fine, it’s me that’s out of focus.

Multi-tasking

“As you may have heard, Los Angeles has been hit by a rash of freeway shootings lately. Of course, L.A. drivers are amazed by this – ‘How can you talk on the phone, hold a cup of coffee, do your makeup, and fire a gun at the same time?'”

Jay Leno