Category: Humor

Best Pretty Good Joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the president exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President Bush looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

A Prairie Home Companion

Pretty Good Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He then takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then… (heaving a big sigh) …let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

From A Prairie Home Companion

Earn an MBA in four questions

The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 
 
 
 
 
 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 
 
 
 
 
 

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend … except one. Which animal does not attend?

 
 
 
 
 
 

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

 
 
 
 
 
 

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Thanks to Driskill for the quiz.

Pool party

As is often the case, the White House pool reporter has a little fun. This from Ken Herman of Cox Newspapers:

The presidential and vice presidential motorcades departed together in gas-guzzling tandem at 9:51 a.m., arriving at Fort Myer at 9:57 a.m. for the Armed Forces Farewell Tribute and Armed Forces Hail marking retirement of Gen. Richard Myers as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and swearing-in of Gen. Peter Pace (first Marine to hold the job) as his replacement.

Honor guards, bands, etc., were arrayed on the Summerfield Field parade ground when we arrived, making it seem as if we had arrived at halftime. Cannon fire in honor of Gen. Myers set off at least one car alarm, meaning either the vibration was sufficient to set off the alarm or that our troops had successfully downed a Chevy.

Via Wonkette

Jay talking

• Tom DeLay says he has a new priority in life. Outlawing prison rape.

• Remember when Republicans like Newt Gingrich or Bob Livingston would get in trouble for sex scandals. Tom DeLay is in trouble over money. Or as Republicans call it, a return to traditional values.

Jay Leno

Juanita’s Congress Varmint

For the record again, I do not believe that Tom DeLay should have to step down as Majority Leader while he’s under indictment. In this country, you are innocent until proven guilty. I opposed this Republican supported rule when they made it – everybody knows they voted for the rule so they could look all church-lady and sanctimonious. Heck, I was even willing to give them the benefit of better thought and supported the move to reverse it a year ago. I think an indictment is just that – an indictment and no proof of guilt. However, Republicans disagree with me about that.

I think there’s petards and hoisting going on here.

— Juanita’s

What a gas

“Crime is back up in New York City. Today thieves robbed an armored truck. They left the money but siphoned the gas.”

— David Letterman

“Good news, today I filled my gas tank today for under $20….it was for my lawnmower but it still counts.”
“Gas is so expensive in L.A. I actually saw a Hummer the other day with two people inside.”
“I tell you, you know who is really enjoying the high gas prices? The Amish. They think this is the funniest thing. ”

— Jay Leno

I know, Leno isn’t everybody’s favorite

… but I like his writers.

  • I had a really strange thing happen to me last night. About 10:30 I’m sitting around watching TV, my doorbell rings, I open the door, it’s the head guy from FEMA. At my door! I said “What are you doing here?” He said, “I’m here for the earthquake damage you had back in ’94.”
  • As you know FEMA stands for “fix everything, my ass!”
  • U.S. Border Patrol agents allowed a man called the human cannonball to shoot himself across the border from Mexico to the United States. The Border Patrol gave him special permission to do this because as you know they don’t let just anyone cross the border.
  • Hawaii has the highest gas prices in the country: $4 a gallon! That’s why I don’t go there to fill up.
  • For many students across the country, today was the first day of school…This was a big day for a lot of teachers – some of them haven’t had any sex since June.
  • “The New York Post” says that Paris Hilton is so famous now, she can’t go out in public anymore. Good!

America’s Finest News Source

There is nothing funny about the disaster that Katrina left in its wake.

Even so, The Onion has some perceptive headlines:

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

Officials Uncertain Whether To Save Or Shoot Victims

Nation’s Politicians Applaud Great Job They’re Doing

Area Man Drives Food There His Goddamned Self

Bush: ‘It Has Been Brought To My Attention That There Was Recently A Bad Storm’

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

It’s all how you look at it

Walking across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Here’s Jay

“Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they’re feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that’s a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana. It’s only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad.”

Jay Leno (August 19)

Excuse me Jay, but it’s been more than a dozen years since Leningrad became St. Petersburg again.

Jesus help me I’m falling

From America’s Finest News Source — Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory.

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

“Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, ‘God’ if you will, is pushing them down,” said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

There’s more.