Category: Humor

At Doonesbury, in the White House ethics class they’re asking why they have to be there.

But as much as I like this joint, I prefer the mobility of Carbucks, the fact that almost any place can be a Carbucks. You just make yourself a strong cuppa joe, head to the car, start driving, keep your eyes open, find a good location to drink coffee, park, and there you have it: Carbucks!!!!

Joel Achenbach, who has more on the pleasures of Carbucks

“U.S. President George W. Bush playfully pretends to box against Muhammad Ali, who responds by circling his finger to indicate the president is crazy to offer a fight, after Bush presented Ali with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”

A federal judge said Monday that magazine writer Nancy Steuber will be held in contempt of court if she continues to withhold the source of a recipe for maple-glazed ham published in Redbook magazine in February.

The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

As noted on NewMexiKen yesterday, high school senior Michael Sessions was elected mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan. Here, from Letterman, the Top Ten Good Things About Being An 18-Year-Old Mayor:

10. “Parents try to tell me what to do, I raise their taxes”

9. “Every night, a different member of the town council does my homework”

8. “It’s every teen’s dream: The power to regulate zoning laws”

7. “Goodbye, education budget — Hello, brand new X-box”

6. “I got a call from Demi Moore”

5. “Trying to get the city hall on an episode of ‘MTV Cribs'”

4. “I don’t have to wait in line at Applebee’s anymore”

3. “School bullies now have to deal with the Feds”

2. “Only victory speech featuring the word ‘Dude'”

1. “It’s flattering when President Bush calls me for advice”

At Doonesbury, Zonker receives a message from the gods.

A classic Calvin and Hobbes republished today.

• Yesterday was election day. A lot was on the ballot here in New York City. Proposition 8 was on the ballot. That would have made it illegal to shoot someone in a library without a silencer.
• Every election I go to the polling place with my Uncle Earl. He went into the booth first and I was in line behind him. I’m sitting there waiting and waiting and finally I hear, “The damn thing won’t flush!?”
• Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota duck hunting. There were no ducks though. He blamed it on bad intelligence.

— David Letterman

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Pretty good.

Scott Adams’ stream of consciousness:

The better question would be how I get past writer’s block. The quick answer — and maybe the only legitimate one — is that I’m just wired that way. There’s a fine line between creative and goofy, and believe me, you wouldn’t want to spend time in my head. Let me give you some real time examples, except not real time. I’m on a plane as I write this. Allow me to write down my thoughts as they happen, just so you get a sense of it. I haven’t planned this:

I wonder if you could make gigantic noise-cancellation headphones to put on the outside of the plane so all the passengers don’t need them on the inside?

Damn, this was a stupid idea to write down my thoughts. Now I don’t have any, except for my thoughts about not having any thoughts. Oh, God, I’m stuck in some sort of loop.

Wait, now I have a thought about the drunken lady’s glass of wine on the seat divider next to me. It’s rocking wildly from the turbulence. It’s going to land on my keyboard. Oh, God, I know it is. Uh-oh, I think she looked over here and read that I called her a drunken lady. My hands hurt from typing. I have to pee again but the seatbelt sign is on. If she dozes off, I might have to top off her chardonnay.

When you are in deep trouble, say nothing,
and try to look like you know what you’re doing.

Thanks to J.D.

The following from A Prairie Home Companion:

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A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy — I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription?”

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A penguin walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing a santa suit.

The doc says “It’s clear. You have bipolar disorder.”

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

The flight attendant did a nice job with some old material on Southwest Airlines today.

“The smoking section is on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

“If you’re travelling with a child — or someone who acts like a child — ”

“We’ll be coming through the cabin one more time,
We’ll be coming through the cabin one more time,
Oh, we’ll be coming through the cabin,
We’ll be coming through the cabin,
We’ll be coming through the cabin one more time.”

Sung well to the tune of “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain” with several verses. This one got him a round of applause, which I’m certain would have been a standing ovation if the seatbelt sign hadn’t been on.

Pretended to spill a tray of drinks. The cups were empty.

And that old chestnut:
“I want to tell you we have a first time flyer celebrating their 100th birthday on board today. Please, be sure to say ‘Happy Birthday’ to the captain on your way out.”

“Iowa Republican Senator, Charles Grassley, has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly $100 billion dollars in profits to help low income people buy heating oil this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars for someone to run against Grassley in next the Republican primary.”

— Jay Leno

• Today, President Bush outlined the U.S. government’s plan to fight a “bird flu outbreak”. Apparently the plan is to attack the flu over there in Iraq, before it attacks us here.
• President Bush and Dick Cheney both made speeches about Iraq this week. That’s how you know things are going bad when the White House wants to get our minds back on Iraq?
• President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito. Bush said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back.
• Of course, the big question now is, what did President Bush know and when was it explained to him?

Joel Achenbach on what the time change really means.

As you know, the best thing about the autumnal time change, when we fall back one hour, is that it becomes plausible to go to bed at 9:30 p.m. You don’t have to be embarrassed. You don’t have to stare at the clock and wish that it were later and that you could go to sleep without feeling like a complete zero. Because it’s really 10:30. Also you can eat lunch at 11 and have cocktails at 4. But the next morning, the time reverts to what it says on the clock, and you can stay in bed an extra hour. The extra hour has achieved a kind of duality: It’s there or not there depending upon your mood.

When I’m president, the clocks will move forward and backward by one hour at my whim. Sometimes two hours, or three.

There are more things he’ll change when he’s president.

“How about that Harriet Miers mess? Woo…the White House is steadfast saying they won’t withdraw her nomination. You know what that means? She’ll be out of there in a week.”

— David Letterman Tuesday night

Calvin and Hobbes discuss life’s challenges.

Jesus is Coming. Look Busy!
I’m your honor student’s real father
186,000 miles per second — it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Horn broken — watch for finger
Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales

(First posted by NewMexiKen two years ago today.)

As I get older, I think much more often about the hereafter. I’ll walk into a room and think to myself, “Now, what did I come in here after?”

• It hailed today! On Hollywood Boulevard it hailed. Of course, there was a panic. They thought it was raining crack.
• There’s so much rain coming down. This morning on the 405 I saw a Minnesota Vikings sex cruise go by.
• You know what I love about rain in Los Angeles? Driving to work in a downpour and seeing everyone’s sprinklers on in their front yards.

Oh, and this from Monday, not related to rain:

“President Bush’s top assistant Karl Rove testified before the grand jury for the fourth time. He’s testified four times. This time he had to give his testimony standing up because the first three times he lied his ass off.”