Category: Humor

Caffeine

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

Scott Adams

When I was a child

When I was a child, I tell my offspring, my brother and I often would receive just one present at Christmastime, typically an individual crayon. It wouldn’t even be a full crayon, but merely a stub. Still, we’d be grateful and would pretend that “brown” was our favorite of the 64 Crayola colors. We would talk about how great this crayon would be if only we could afford paper.

Joel Achenbach

It’s the Thought That Counts

Scott Adams on gifting:

I asked my fiancé what she wants for Christmas and she was nice enough to e-mail me a specific suggestion for a hard-to-find item.

I copied the product name from her e-mail, pasted it into the Froogle search engine, and found the cheapest one on the Internet. That took about 12 seconds. It took another minute to enter my address and credit card information.

When it comes to gift-giving, they say it’s the thought that counts. So far I had 72 seconds invested in my future wife. I wondered if that was enough.

Adams continues.

Richard Pryor

Digby gets his tribute to Richard Pryor off to an appropriately iconclastic start.

If you would like to have a surreal experience akin to the effects of downing ten shots of cheap tequila, tune in to FoxNews as they eulogize Richard Pryor. Apparently he invented dirty words. (It’s going to come as a helluva surprise to Lenny Bruce — not to mention Redd Foxx.) He rejected the comedy of the good comedian, Bill Cosby, and went down the “wrong path” that led us to where we are today with all this R rated badness. One of the commentators said that when he went on TV in the mid 70’s he “wasn’t ready for prime time.” (Actually, prime time wasn’t ready for him.) Another said that “every black comic owes him something.”

(Is it possible that right wingers are all actually zombies who died sometime before the 60’s and have been walking among us as the undead ever since then? I just don’t know what else can explain their terminal cultural obtuseness.)

Go read the rest.

Cattle buyer jokes

Two cattle buyers from Oklahoma were on a trip to Central Texas to look at a set of cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the hell was that for?” the cattle buyer asked.

“You’re in Texas, ” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

The trooper ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window and “WHACK”, the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for?” the cattle buyer demanded.

“Making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the cattle buyer asked.

“I know you cattle buyer types,” The trooper said. “A hundred feet down the road, you would’ve turned to your buddy and said… “I wish that SOB would’ve tried that on me!”

From Joel Achenbach. He has a couple more.

Jay talking

Remember when you used to tie the tree to the top of your car and drive home? Now our SUVs are so big, the trees fit inside. The new Cadillac Escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder on the dash.

According to a new report, not all immigrants from Mexico move here for work. Well duh. If they were looking for American jobs…they would be sneaking into India.

— Jay Leno

Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830

DAHLONEGA, GA—Authorities issued a warrant for the arrest and forced relocation of local carpenter and half-blooded Cherokee Indian Jonathan Silvers Monday, when he was found to be in violation of the federal Indian Removal Act of 1830.

“Mr. Silvers is in violation of federal law,” said Col. Jack Kippler, who is leading the Bureau of Indian Affairs case against Silvers. “For this reason, he was taken into custody, and he is currently awaiting forcible resettlement on a Cherokee reservation in Oklahoma by the U.S. Army.”
…

The BIA is currently fielding applications from families who would like to live on Silvers’ former land. According to Kippler, the Silvers’ two-story, 1,600-square-foot house, valued at $145,000, would make an excellent home for a white family.

From, where else, The Onion – America’s Finest News Source. There’s more.

Go Fug Yourself

From the always amusing Go Fug Yourself, surely one of the indispensable websites:

Why are you doing this? You are beautiful at age 58 — your skin looks flawless up there — and you are a respected stage and screen actress. It is all about accentuating the positives, and you have so many positives. So why in the name of Britney are you downplaying your assets by letting that shirt balloon around you? Why are dressed like some sort of priest-genie? Do you know who you are? You are CLAIR effing HUXTABLE, lady.

There’s more with the photo.

Follow-up on my recent medical tests

A woman took her parrot to the veternarian and the veternarian said, “That will be $30.”

The woman said, “You didn’t do any tests!”

The veternarian sent in a cat and the cat sniffed the parrot on the table and shook his head no. And then the veternarian sent in a dog and the dog did the same thing.

The veternarian said “That will be $330.”

The woman reacted, “You said it would be only $30!”

The doctor said, “That was before the cat scan and the lab work.”

Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq

10. “Make an even larger ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign”

9. “Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah”

8. “Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge”

7. “Launch slogan, ‘It’s not Iraq, it’s Weraq'”

6. “Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama”

5. “A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head”

4. “Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb”

3. “Wait, you mean it ain’t going well?”

2. “Boost morale by doing his hilarious ‘Locked Door’ gag”

1. “Place Saddam back in power and tell him, ‘It’s your problem now, dude'”

David Letterman

Cloning around

At The Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams is thinking about cloning. Read all of what he has to say, but here’s his theological thinking:

The big question with clones is how they get their souls, assuming souls exist. If God gives them brand new souls, then they aren’t actually clones at all. They’d be fundamentally different. But it also makes God more of a soul gumball machine than the omnipotent creator of the universe. The scientist who makes the clone would, in effect, be controlling God by making him pinch out another soul to inhabit the clone. That’s disturbing on many levels, not the least of which is the way I phrased it.

But maybe your clone gets half of your soul, say 10.5 grams worth. That would suck too. I have enough trouble dancing with the little bit of a soul I allegedly have. If you cut that in half, I’m polka dancing.

If each of your clones has a new and different soul, but everything else is the same, we’d probably start assigning letters to keep them straight — A,B,C, etc. And that suggests the one best reason to not clone yourself: Everyone would call you an A-soul.

Some words of wisdom from Woody Allen

As noted earlier, Woody Allen is 70 today. NewMexiKen saw Allen doing stand-up once upon a time when we were both a lot younger (about 40 years ago, sigh).

Here’s a few of his insights, some possibly from that very time.

“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him ‘be fruitful, and multiply.’ But not in those words.”

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

The CIA’s black highlighters

LANGLEY, VA—A report released Tuesday by the CIA’s Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters.

According to the report, sections of the documents— “almost invariably the most crucial passages” — are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency’s inception in 1947.

Source: The Onion, which has a photo with an example.

Here’s Jay

  • Only in America—even though [Congressman Cunningham] stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took.
  • Don’t you love how our system works? So if you’re poor and you steal a loaf of bread it’s a $200 fine; if you’re a congressman who steals $2.4 million you get to keep a 25% bonus.

Jay Leno

Talkin’ turkey

  • Turkey has tryptophan in it, which makes you sleepy. So here’s a tip that I learned from Mom to have turkey that doesn’t make you sleepy. The night before Mom marinates the turkey in Red Bull.
  • Tomorrow is the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. There is a White House balloon this year — but it won’t stop leaking.

David Letterman

  • They say that Abraham Lincoln cemented the idea of a National Day of Thanksgiving during the Civil War. To get people’s minds off all the political strife and division brought about by war. Thank God those days are gone forever.
  • Yesterday President Bush officially pardoned the White House turkey. Then after he pardoned the turkey he appointed it the new head of FEMA.

Jay Leno