Category: Humor

Do you suppose they draw straws

… to see who gets to use which line?

Leno last night: “Al Jazeera has released an audiotape from Osama bin Laden. State Department officials say it shows he’s aware of world events. It opens up congratulating Brad and Angelina on their baby.”

Letterman last night: “There’s a new Osama bin Laden tape. We haven’t heard from him in about a year. Experts say it’s current because in the tape he references the Hillary Swank divorce.”

Center of gravity

Cory, obviously with a lot of time on his hands, calculates the center of gravity for the Manhattan Starbucks. Go take a look, but here’s the idea:

What does “center of gravity” mean? Well, it means the exact place you can stand in Manhattan and be closest to ALL Starbucks. As if every single Starbucks was pulling you equally in its direction, this is the place where u could stand to feel the most Starbucks power…and not just within a few blocks radius, but for the whole Island! Think of it like being at the North Pole for overpriced coffee…The power center / death star if you will allow me to go that far….

It’s four miles to NewMexiKen’s nearest Starbucks.

Best line of the day, so far

“Some good news — doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger.”

Jay Leno

That was Tuesday night. Here’s the best line from Monday night:

“A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland. Though that’s not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they’re more concerned with covering their ass than showing it.”

Letter to Apple Support

From: jason@kottke.org
Subject: Powerbook support
Date: January 10, 2006 4:55:31 PM ET
To: Apple Tech Support

Hello,

I purchased a new Powerbook three weeks ago. It was working fine until a few hours ago when you announced the new Intel-powered MacBook Pro at MacWorld and I started to cry. “Four to fives times faster,” I sobbed, “a built-in iSight, and a brighter, wider screen.”

My display, while not as bright or large as the new MacBook Pro display, illuminated my wet cheeks and red, swollen eyes as my tears rained down on the backlit keyboard. An acrid smell rose up from inside the smooth metal machine as my salty tears joined with the electronics, joyfully releasing the electrons from their assigned silicon pathways to freely arc into forbidden areas of the computer and elsewhere, including, somewhat painfully, my hands.

Is this covered under my warranty and if so, can you send me a new MacBook Pro as a replacement, please? Thank you for your time,

–jason

Happened to NewMexiKen with my iPod.

Jay talking

“What was Reggie Bush thinking trying to lateral that ball in the red zone? A guy named Bush making a bonehead move. What are the odds? Has that ever happened?”

“A 40 year old woman in Israel who friends call an eccentric millionaire married a dolphin. President Bush said he has no problem with it, as long as the dolphin’s not gay.”

Jay Leno

Top Ten George W. Bush New Year’s Resolutions

From The Late Show with David Letterman:

10. Fewer decisions based on wild, drunken hunches

9. Have N.S.A. find out what really happened between Nick and Jessica

8. Stop using Situation Room monitors to play X-Box 360

7. More C-SPAN, less “Yes, Dear”

6. Team up with leading scientists to make Cheetos even cheesier

5. To capture and bring to justice King Kong

4. Beat the twins at beer pong

3. Respond to reporters questions with, “Bitch, don’t go there”

2. Scale back on grueling 12-hour work week

1. “Who needs resolutions? Everythng is fine”

Jay and Dave

  • President Bush says that he wants Syria and Iran to keep al Qaeda members from entering Iraq. al Qaeda members, we can’t even keep Florida high school students from entering Iraq. (Leno)
  • Did you hear about this? A high school kid from Florida, his parents are from Iraq, he is American born. He is of Iraqi descent. He skipped school and snuck into Baghdad. Snuck into Baghdad! Even Ferris Bueller is going, “What are you nuts???? Now where was President Bush and his wiretapping buddies when this was going on? (Leno>
  • Did you hear about the 16-year-old kid that went to Iraq? He’s an American of Iraqi descent and wanted to see what it was like over there. So he ran off, spent three weeks in Iraq, and then came home. See even he has an exit strategy. (Letterman)

Some late night one-liners

“This year 20 percent of Americans researched their Christmas wish list on the Internet. Which explains why this year’s number one gift item is a hot Asian teen.”

Conan O’Brien

“A lot of Bush supporters are very upset that the TV show “West Wing” has too many Democrats on it. Well, that will balance out. Wait ’til “Prison Break” comes back with new shows – it will have plenty of Republicans in it.”

Jay Leno

Kansas State School Board eliminates Spanish from curriculum

The Kansas State School Board, known for eliminating evolution from its science curriculum, has now taken action to eliminate Spanish. All Spanish words will be replaced with English in textbooks and on maps beginning next year.

For example, three U.S. state names will change: Montana will become “Mountain,” Nevada will be “Snowy” and Colorado will be called “Colored.” Geographic landmarks will be chaged as well. The Rio Grande will be renamed “Big River” and the Sierra Nevada changed to “Snowy Mountain Range.”

Chips and salsa will be “chips and gravy.”

Even Christmas will be affected. The Board, apparently misunderstanding the Dutch origins of Sinter Klaas, ruled that Santa Claus must now be called “Holy Nicholas.”

Property values dropped 15% overnight in Santa Fe, the capital of New Mexico, with fear that the city would become known as “Holy Faith.” Elsewhere, the Las Vegas chamber of commerce is re-considering its slogan, “What happens in Fertile Lowlands, Stays in Fertile Lowlands.”

Easy for you to say

This from Sideline Chatter:

Speaking of long names, wrote Don Banks of SI.com, “Some time before I die, I’d like to see Cardinals fullback Obafemi Ayanbadejo tackled by Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora, preferably after taking a handoff from current Raiders quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo, with Rams tight end Brandon Manumaleuna having missed a block on the play.

“And I’d like John Madden to handle the play-by-play call. Is that asking too much?”

Late night

“Newsweek magazine is reporting that President Bush called in the editor and publisher of The New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here’s my question. How did he know they were going to publish it?”

Leno

“I’m joking about it but the traffic now is horrible in the city. The city is now like Dick Cheney, every major artery is blocked.”

Letterman