Category: Humor

I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on. Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume.

Yesterday Dick Cheney gave an interview with Fox News. I don’t want to say that Fox News was lenient but their first question was, “Who do you like on ‘American Idol’?”

Actually the interview did get off to a bad start when Brit Hume said, “Mr. Vice President, I have some questions.” And Cheney said, “Okay, shoot.?”

Over the weekend while on a hunting trip down in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party. He apologized. In fact, he told Brit Hume that he was actually trying to hit Cindy Sheehan.

Jay Leno

Noting the end of the telegram, The New York Times provided some memorable ones, inlcuding these:

Writers, of course, say the cleverest things. The humorist Robert Benchley, arriving in Venice for the first time, cabled Harold Ross, editor of The New Yorker.

STREETS FULL OF WATER. PLEASE ADVISE.

Mark Twain, like most writers, found it easier to write long than short. He received this telegram from a publisher:

NEED 2-PAGE SHORT STORY TWO DAYS.

Twain replied:

NO CAN DO 2 PAGES TWO DAYS. CAN DO 30 PAGES 2 DAYS. NEED 30 DAYS TO DO 2 PAGES.

“A hundred bucks for a dozen roses … that does seem expensive until you calculate what NOT buying them will cost you.”

Jay Leno

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2. HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Found at Andrew Tobias – Money and Other Subjects

Dick Cheney Alert Levels.

Via Day of the Dead(ly)

Anyone else old enough to appreciate this?

From Bats Left Throws Right.

Scott Adams, aka Dilbert’s creator, gets an MRI. Here’s part of his report:

First you fill out a questionnaire designed to discover if you have any metal hidden in your body, such as shrapnel or IUDs or surgical leave-behinds and whatnot. This is important because the MRI is a gigantic magnet.

I’m almost positive that I don’t have an IUD, but the idea of metal ripping through my body and coming out of my ear really made me think about it carefully. I’m not what you call a good detail person, and it’s exactly the sort of thing I would forget having done, perhaps as a college prank. I took a chance and checked “no.”

I didn’t know how forgiving the MRI machine would be, so when I got to the question that asked if I ever worked around metal shaving, I started to panic. I spent countless hours in my youth working with an Etch-a-Sketch, and I don’t know what that grey stuff in there really is. I’d hate to die because I forgot to disclose how many times I tried and failed to draw a circle using only two knobs. But I also didn’t want to appear too concerned. For some reason I felt it was important to impress the MRI technician with my unnatural state of calm. So I took a chance and checked “no.”

“The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzales testified before the Senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no.”

— Jay Leno

“The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem — you call Michael Jackson! In fact he’s already been named an honorary priest.”

— David Letterman

The Dilbert Blog, like the strip itself, is a hit-or-miss proposition, but when he hits it’s pretty good. This information about whales seemed like a hit to me (but NewMexiKen is a hit-or-miss proposition, too, so caveat lector).

“I don’t want to say the stones are getting old. But this is not the first time the Rolling Stones performed at an event where Roman numerals were used.”

“Some sad news – Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow have split up. Apparently she met some guy with a car. You know how girls are.”

This one posted by Eric Alterman:

President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove’s campaign to reverse Bush’s rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday. “As you know, Bishop,” began Rove, “we’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president’s position on stem cell research and the like. We’d gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff’s friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint.”

The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, “This parish is in rather desperate need of funds … I’ll agree to do it.”

The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.

After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: “George W. Bush is a petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world’s largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed him. He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat, and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating “Mission Accomplished.” He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering, turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets corporate polluters despoil God’s creation and doom our planet. He uses fear-mongering to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution. He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.

An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

A Prairie Home Companion: Pretty Good Jokes

Go Fug Yourself