“[Impeachment] won’t achieve anything. The only way to stop Cheney is to cut out his heart and burn it during a full moon.”
Jerry Terrell,
Menu Distributor
Category: Humor
Fun with Flowcharts
According to Wikipedia, a flowchart is a “schematic representation of an algorithm or a process. They are commonly used in business/economic presentations to help the audience visualize the content better, or to find flaws in the process.” I don’t remember where I saw it, but I have reconstructed the first flowchart that I really understood.
There’s a whole bunch more Fun with Flowcharts. I particularly like the RIAA chart.
Red State Update
Vista!
Ideas for a New Constitutional Convention
Hunter at Daily Kos has ideas for nine new Constitutional amendments. Most are pretty funny — and some are worth trying too, like this:
If we cannot abolish the House, then there are still other things we can do. We can make it like Survivor, and vote the two most obnoxious House members out of office every week of the session. If it’s good enough a system for television, surely it’s good enough for the government of a country obsessed with television.
Good line
Arlen Specter at last night’s “Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest:
Bob told me Elizabeth [Dole] was very angry with him because he complained about the cost of Viagra.
He said ‘You know, Arlen, they cost $10 a pill. And I said, ‘Bob, how in the hell would I know about that.’
And then Elizabeth said to him in anger, ‘Bob, you can afford $40 a year.’
More fuel to the argument that Washington celebrities never left fifth grade
Time’s Karen Tumulty reports on the 14th annual Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest.
I neglected to mention the Honorable Mention won by C-SPAN’s Robb Harlston, who was the only contestant to do the requisite Larry Craig portion of his routine with a piece of toilet paper trailing from the back of his pants. Also, just about everyone’s act got interrupted by a cell phone call from Judith Giuliani.
Such originality.
Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Nobel to Bush
Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts on global warming, the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Nobel and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead. . . .
All we are saying
The above, one of many great T-shirts from the Mental Floss Store.
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
Somebody’s warped, but these are funny.
Best court ruling of the day, so far
A New Hampshire prison inmate’s file drove a federal judge to rhyme. U.S. District Court Judge James Muirhead reached for Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” for inspiration when a prison inmate protesting his diet attached a hard-boiled egg to documents sent to court.
“I do not like eggs in the file. I do not like them in any style. I will not take them fried or boiled. I will not take them poached or broiled. I will not take them soft or scrambled Despite an argument well-rambled,” Muirhead wrote in his response to inmate Charles Jay Wolff.
He then ordered the egg destroyed: “No fan I am Of the egg at hand. Destroy that egg! Today! Today! Today I say! Without delay!”
Muirhead’s food ruling is good, but NewMexiKen’s favorite food ruling is from the United States Court of Appeals for the Tenth Circuit:
Mr. Jeffrey Collier is a prisoner in the El Dorado Correctional Facility in El Dorado, Kansas. One day at lunch, he did not receive the full portion of meat to which he believed he was entitled (one hot dog rather than two). Feeling wronged, he threw a temper tantrum by kicking and screaming, which put him into a pickle with the prison authorities. Whining over his wiener failed to secure Mr. Collier a second hot dog, but it did get him ten days in disciplinary segregation and a ten-dollar fine. Red hot, Mr. Collier filed a civil rights complaint in the district court, pursuant to 42 U.S.C. § 1983.
Mr. Collier’s complaint stated three claims. The district court quickly dismissed two of the claims – alleged violations of his constitutional right to be free from cruel and unusual punishment and double jeopardy. Sandwiched between these two meritless claims, however, was a claim for denial of procedural due process, which the district court did not dismiss outright. Suspecting Mr. Collier could not go forward with his procedural due process claim because of Heck v. Humphrey , 512 U.S. 477 (1994), the district court afforded him an opportunity to show why the claim should not be dismissed. Mr. Collier was unable to make such a showing, and the district court dismissed the claim for being premature.
Mr. Collier appeals the district court’s decisions to this court. While this court does not relish the idea of prisoners going hungry, Mr. Collier’s first and third claims do not have any legal merit for the reasons provided by the district court in its two orders: the withholding of one hot dog is not “sufficiently serious” to rise to the level of an Eighth Amendment violation, see Farmer v. Brennan , 511 U.S. 825, 834 (1994); and the denial of one hot dog is not punishment for Double Jeopardy purposes.
…
By my count, there are five hot dog word associations — some of the cleverest legal writing since Justice Frankfurter was on the Supreme Court.
Hiccups 101
A short, amusing video taking a look at hiccup cures from the hiccup’s point of view.
Maybe Sen. Craig just had Elaine’s problem
Quick thinking
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
Miss Teen South Carolina
If you find yourself feeling sorry for this poor thing, just remember that in five years she’ll probably be a big movie star making more money than all of the readers of this blog put together.
Best line of the day, so far
Internet travel site Travelocity was fined $182,750 for booking trips to Cuba in violation of a 45-year-old embargo. What do you think?
Damien Prow,
Farm Laborer“I was one of the people who booked a trip and even if I have to pay the whole fine, it’s still cheaper than having my surgery done in the States.”
Ali G and the NBA
Hilarious collage of Ali G interviews with various NBA stars and broadcasters.
Stuff
Like to learn how to identify constellations, stars, planets and how to navigate at night? Follow the link.
An interesting 90-second map-based presentation that shows the growth of the world’s dominate religions. From Maps of War.
Mathematical proof that girls are evil.
Rejected Google Holiday Logos.
On eBay you can buy Tony Soprano’s Chevy Suburban.
Click cartoon if you need larger image.
And this is just wrong.
Then on to Nashville
Tourist: We’re going to the opera tonight!
Waitress: Wonderful! Which opera are you going to see?
Tourist: Phantom!
Waitress, after stunned silence: … You’re gonna love it!
–Del Frisco’s, 6th Ave
On second thought
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Follow the link. There are several good stories.
No, anything but that!
Chick #1: You know how people will, like, tell their parents a bunch of really horrible lies to make whatever they need to tell them seem not as bad?
Chick #2: Yeah…
Chick #1: I think that’s what I’m gonna do.
Chick #2: What’s worse than getting pregnant, dropping out of school, and moving to Jersey?
–3 train
Bits and pieces
Harper’s Magazine has a series of brief essays on Undoing Bush: how to repair eight years of sabotage, bungling, and neglect.
YouTube has Jay Leno’s post-jail interview with Paris.
Another video, this of the
Out in Left Field takes her kids to Charles Edward Fromage. You know, Chuck E. Cheese. (A place NewMexiKen went once.) “‘Come on,’ I mumble, taking him by the hand and letting him know in no uncertain terms that he’s a pain in the ass. But that I love him anyway.”
And I know, at some level this isn’t funny, but … From The Onion, After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack:
“We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan,” al-Sharif said. “But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels.”
“Probably,” added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.
Try the 20Q Pocket Game Demo. NewMexiKen has the real thing and it is pretty amazing at guessing objects if you answer correctly.
Do you think Fiona Apple would be as successful if she went by her birth name Fiona Maggart?
Living up to the hype
Click for larger version.
Elsewhere:
- Best bumper sticker of the day, so far:
Impeachment: It’s Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore - Cool photo.
- What happens when you multiply 111,111,111 X 111,111,111?
Linkage
“Today is both the anniversary of the event that started World War I and the day that the treaty was signed that officially brought the war to a close.” The Writer’s Almanac from American Public Media has a succinct summary of the two.
At Slate Magazine there’s an edifying and somewhat thought provoking discussion of today’s school integration Supreme Court decision by Walter Dellinger, Dahlia Lithwick, and Stuart Taylor Jr. It’s up to about five parts at this writing, but each is brief and worthy of your time.
The opinion itself is here. [pdf]
Conservative commentator and former Reagan appointee Bruce Fein thinks the congress should Impeach Vice President Cheney. (The blogosphere sees Fred Thompson as the likely man Bush would appoint to the job — under the 25th amendment — if Cheney left for any reason. Do you think Thompson could get a majority in both houses?)
Sexist for sure, but amusing nonetheless, Benjamin Franklin advises a young friend to consider the advantages of an older paramour. Old Mistresses Apologue by Benjamin Franklin.
And Pearl is back in Good Cop, Baby Cop. Not as funny as when she was Will Ferrell’s landlord, but amusing at times.
More stuff
The Smoking Gun documents Paris Hilton’s lie to Larry King with What Was Paris Smoking?
Via Crooks and Liars, on The Daily Show Lewis Black Exposes Right Wing Media Paranoia. “You know what a ‘fake news’ show on Fox News should give you? Real news!”
The Federal Bureau of Prisons has a place for the new guy.