The TSA Blog

Steve Johnson of the Chicago Tribune has found “the soon-to-be-propagated Rules” for the new Transportation Security Agency blog. The first three:

1. Commenters must arrive at the blog 45 minutes before attempting to post a comment.

2. Comments cannot last more than three paragraphs.

3. Comments that are longer than three paragraphs are subject to confiscation. For more on the handling of comments, see our post, “Why 1-Quart Zip-Loc Bags are Much More Secure than 1-Gallon Zip-Loc Bags.”

Johnson has more. He also has a funny item about spam here.

Pregnancy FAQs

What with the pregnancy featured in the movie Juno, as a public service to my seven readers NewMexiKen is going to answer some common pregnancy-related questions.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Top Ten Rejected Titles for The George W. Bush Movie

From the home office, Letterman’s Top Ten Rejected Titles for The George W. Bush Movie:

10.”Jackass 3″
9.”The Lyin’ King”
8.”The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009″
7.”Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot”
6.”Dial M For Moron”
5.”Das Boob”
4.”When Sally Met Cheney’s Daughter”
3.”White Men Can’t Govern”
2.”The Nightmare Before Hillary”

And the number one rejected title for George W. Bush Movie:

“Raging Bull****”

Thanks to DP for the pointer!

Barack Obama’s Top Ten Campaign Promises

Number 10: “To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the Situation Room for sweet sixteens”

Number 9: “I will double your tax money at the craps table”

Number 8: “Appoint Mitt Romney Secretary of Lookin’ Good”

Number 7: “If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it”

Number 6: “I’ll put Regis on the nickel”

Number 5: “I’ll rename the tenth month of the year ‘Barack-tober'”

Number 4: “I won’t let Apple release the new and improved iPod the day after you bought the previous model”

Number 3: “I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece”

Number 2: “Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear”

And the number one Barack Obama campaign promise:

“Three words: Vice President Oprah”

Bill Clinton: ‘Screw It, I’m Running For President’

CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he “could no longer resist the urge.”

“My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president,” said Clinton, introducing his wife at a “Hillary ’08” rally. “For seven agonizing years, I have sat idly by as others experienced the joys of campaigning, debating, and interacting with the people of this great nation, and I simply cannot take it anymore. I have to be president again. I have to.”

The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

The right person for the job

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles. The woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied, “Divorce attorney.”

‘Avoid Death’

DETROIT — A warning on a small tractor that reads “Danger: Avoid Death” has been chosen as the nation’s wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.

Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.

The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: “Do not iron while wearing shirt.”

Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: “Do not put child in bag.”

USATODAY.com

There’s a few more.

Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper

ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods added yet another accomplishment to his already outstanding résumé Sunday when the 13-time major winner successfully putted his baby daughter, five-month-old Sam Alexis Woods, into a fresh Huggies diaper.

Dressed in his signature red shirt, black pants, and black Nike golf shoes, Woods—who has not played competitive golf in three months in order to stay at home and spend time with his newborn daughter—followed the clutch 12-foot putt with a celebratory fist pump before hugging caddie Steve Williams, who was handling the baby’s skin ointment.

The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

There’s more and the photo is priceless.

Pretty Good Jokes

An old man was lying on his death bed, wishing for one more pleasure out of life. Suddenly, he smelled the scent of cookies coming from the kitchen. With all the strength left in him, he made his way to the kitchen, where his wife was busy baking. It took all he had to reach out for a cookie. Just when he got his hands on one, his wife slapped him on the wrist. “Leave those alone,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

Here’s another, both from A Prairie Home Companion: Pretty Good Jokes.

An atheist was hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and sure enough the bear is gaining on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear catches up to him, so man begins to run, but it’s no use because the bear is right behind him now, with one claw raised high in the air ready to come down on him. The man, gripped with fear, shouts out loud, “Oh dear God, don’t let me die.”

With that everything freezes in time, and the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above. He says “I can save you my son, but first you must believe. Do you believe?”

The man, confused and terrified, says “No, I’m an atheist, you don’t exist.”

God replies, “So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you.”

The man, scrambling to save his life, asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?”

God thinks about this for a minute and replies, “I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian.” And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all it’s momentum, drops to ground dizzy and confused. The man wondering if the bear is now a Christian doesn’t know what to think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear’s eyes get really big which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head. This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying a prayer.

Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive…”

Stand by your man

“Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it’s a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women’s clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he’s not gay. … Fortunately, the other guy was. … Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig’s wife is standing by him.”

— Jay Leno (before the strike)