The jokes on me

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: “Bow wow wow, bow wow wow.”

The clerk says, “You can add another ‘Bow wow’ for the same price.”

The dog responded, “Now wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

“But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

“Oh, that’s no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

“Give me two good reasons why I should go to school.”

“One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school.”

Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other, “That gal there is having a bad time!” The other agreed and said, “Think we should go help?” “You bet,” said the first, and with that, he ran over and said, “Can you breathe?” She shook her head no. He said, “Can you speak?” She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe–with great relief.

The redneck walked back to his friend and said, “Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works.”

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

“I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”

Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fucking Goofy!”

Deep Thoughts from Bob Dylan

“I don’t trust a man who doesn’t tear up a little watching Old Yeller.”

“All of our shows are for truckers, if not about truckers.”

“They say the earth’s warmin’ up. Be careful of that global warming, and wear your sunscreen.”

“Music City USA – one of the only places where a banjo player can make a six figure income.”

“You know, every shut-eye ain’t sleep. Sometimes you’re sleeping in the ground, taking a dirt nap, saying the big Goodbye.”

“The Harmonica is the world’s best-selling musical instrument. You’re welcome.”

“Sometimes when you look at a menu, it’s hard to decide what to get. Life is like that, full of difficult choices.”

“Lipstick traces on cigarettes can get you in trouble or remind you of the wonders of the night before.”

“Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me…as opposed to when you grow up and you learn that…the pen is mightier than the sword. The world is fill of little contradictions like that.”

“I leave you with the words of Benjamin Franklin. ‘He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.’ Thank you, Ben. Peace out.”

From a Vanity Fair article about Dylan’s XM radio show Theme Time Radio Hour from which the above were all taken. There’s a bunch more other stuff.

April 10th ought to be a national holiday

Today we celebrate the birthday

… of Harry Morgan. Colonel Sherman Potter is 93. IMDb lists 159 credits for Morgan. If you’d like to see him as a relatively young actor, check out the 1943 classic “The Ox-Bow Incident.” Morgan was Henry Fonda’s sidekick. Great, great film.

You may not know the name Verna Felton, but you know the voice. She was the character actress heard in many Disney animations — a matriarchical elephant in Dumbo, the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella, the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, Aunt Sarah in Lady and the Tramp. She also appeared with Harry Morgan in an early fifties sitcom December Bride — and its 1960 spinoff Pete and Gladys. She died in 1966, but Morgan kept Felton’s photo on Sherman Potter’s desk on the M*A*S*H set to portray Mrs. Potter. Says a lot about both of them, doesn’t it?

… of Max von Sydow, 79.

… of Omar Sharif. Dr. Zhivago is 76. Sharif was nominated for a best supporting actor Oscar for Lawrence of Arabia.

… of John Madden. He’s 72.

… of Don Meredith. He’s 70. “Turn out the lights, the party’s over.”

… of Paul Theroux (rhymes with through). He’s 67.

It’s the birthday of novelist and travel writer Paul Theroux, born in Medford, Massachusetts (1941). After college he decided to join the Peace Corps in 1963. He later said, “I had thought of responsibilities I did not want—marriage seemed too permanent, grad school too hard, and the army too brutal.” He said the Peace Corps was a kind of “Howard Johnson’s on the main drag to maturity.”

The Peace Corps sent him to live in East Africa. He was expelled from Malawi after he became friends with a group that planned to assassinate the president of the country. He continued traveling around Africa, teaching English, and started submitting pieces to magazines back in the United States. While living in Africa, he became friends with the writer V.S. Naipaul, who became his mentor and who encouraged him to keep traveling.

He had published several novels when he decided to go on a four-month trip through Asia by train. He wrote every day on the journey, and he filled four thick notebooks with material that eventually became his first best-seller, The Great Railway Bazaar: By Train Through Asia (1975).

The Writer’s Almanac

… of Steven Seagal. He’s 57. No Oscar nominations for Seagal, but he has been nominated for several Razzies and won once.

… of Anne Lamott. She’s 54.

It’s the birthday of novelist and essayist Anne Lamott, born in San Francisco, California (1954). In the late 1970s, her father was diagnosed with brain cancer, and she began to write short pieces about the effect of the disease on him and other members of her family, and these pieces became chapters of her first novel, Hard Laughter (1980).

She wrote three more novels over the next decade, but she didn’t have any big literary successes. Then, in her mid-thirties, she accidentally got pregnant and her boyfriend left her when she decided to keep the baby. For her first year as a single mother, she found herself on the edge of financial and emotional disaster. She was too busy to write fiction, so she just kept a daily journal of experiences as a parent, and that became her memoir Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year (1993). It was her first best-seller.

The Writer’s Almanac

… of Mandy Moore, 24.

The Pulitizer Prize winning author David Halberstam should have been 74 today.

One of America’s most successful authors, David Halberstam began his career as a journalist in the 1950s, first as a reporter for The Daily Times Leader in West Point, Mississippi and later for the Nashville Tennessean. In 1960 he joined The New York Times and shortly thereafter was assigned to the paper’s bureau in Saigon. Halberstam was among a small group of reporters there who began to question the official optimism about the growing war in Vietnam. Halberstam’s work from Vietnam so rankled official Washington that President Kennedy once asked the publisher of The New York Times to transfer Halberstam to another bureau. In 1964, at age 30, Halberstam earned a Pulitzer Prize for his reporting from Vietnam. His best-selling book, The Best and The Brightest, chronicles America’s deepening involvement in Vietnam through the Kennedy and Johnson administrations.

Reporting America at War | PBS

And Joseph Pulitzer himself was born in Budapest, Hungary, on this date in 1847.

He came to this country, moved to New York City and bought The New York World newspaper. He said, “There is room in this great and growing city for a journal that is not only cheap but bright, not only bright but large, not only large but truly democratic — dedicated to the cause of the people rather than that of purse potentates — devoted more to the news of the New than the Old World; that will expose all fraud and sham; fight all public evils and abuses; that will serve and battle for the people with earnest sincerity.” With his profits, he endowed the Columbia School of Journalism as well as the annual Pulitzer Prizes for journalism, literature, drama, music.

The Writer’s Almanac from American Public Media

Bad example

When Senator John McCain was asked here this afternoon how he plans to balance the budget, he said that he hoped to do so by stimulating economic growth – and approvingly cited the example of President Ronald Reagan.

There was one thing he did not mention during his response: the deficit nearly tripled during the Reagan presidency, partly due to tax cuts and increases in military spending.

The Caucus

The man is a moron — 894th out of 899 in his graduating class at Annapolis. (Jimmy Carter was 59th in his class of 820. Dwight D. Eisenhower was 61st of 164 in his West Point class. Even Ulysses Grant was 21st of 39 at West Point.)

What did Lincoln say to Sherman at City Point?

As they so often do, The Edge of the American West has good background on an important historic event that took place on this date. The essay begins:

On this day in 1865, Abraham Lincoln returned to Washington from a trip to Virginia, where he had visited Grant’s headquarters, surveyed Richmond in captivity and sat in Jefferson Davis’s chair, contemplating the imminent end of war.

Arriving back in the capital, Lincoln stopped first by the house of William Seward, his Secretary of State, who was laid up owing to a carriage accident that left him with a broken arm and jaw. The president proposed a national day of thanksgiving, and held his face close to Seward’s to hear his colleague’s answer. Seward counseled, not yet. Sherman had still to secure the surrender of Joseph Johnston. Until then the Confederacy remained unconquered.

Lincoln would not live to see the end Seward advised him to await. But when that conclusion came, Lincoln’s trip to Virginia would hang heavy over it.

Paul Robeson

As noted earlier, one of the reasons April 9th should be a national holiday is Paul Robeson. He was born 110 years ago today.

Listen to him sing “Ol’ Man River.”

Lawsuit: Woman can’t be president

In a lawsuit that legal scholars call “amusing,” a Reno man is seeking to keep U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton off the Nevada ballot with the argument that the U.S. Constitution prohibits a woman from holding the office.

Douglas Wallace, 80, contends that because the U.S. Constitution relies on the pronouns “he” and “his” in describing the duties of the president, no woman can hold the office.

Wallace argues the constitution would have to be amended to specifically allow a female president and accused Clinton of trying to make an “end run around the Constitution.”

Reno Gazette-Journal

Two misconceptions about Albuquerque

1. No, Albuquerque is not as hot as Phoenix, Las Vegas or Tucson. Last year the temperature got to 100º F just once. Not at all in some years. The temperature gets to 100º or more in Phoenix one hundred or more days a year.

2. Yes, Albuquerque is just as high above sea level as Denver. In fact, parts of Albuquerque are higher than any part of Denver. The altitude in Denver ranges from 5,130 to 5,470 feet above sea level. The altitude in Albuquerque ranges from 4,946 to 6,120 feet above sea level. Albuquerque has the highest altitude of any of the 50 largest cities.

1692 in America

[1692 in America] is an account of several notable events that took place in the Western Hemisphere during the year 1692, giving a day-by-day description of every little occurrence within each of these events that was recorded in a form that has survived to the present day. The idea behind it is to give a sense for what was happening at the same time in different places during a very tumultuous and eventful year for the European colonies in America.

The most important and best-documented events of 1692 in America were the Salem witch trials and the reconquest of New Mexico. Accordingly, a great deal of this blog is devoted to these two events.

1692 in America.

Link via The Edge of the American West.

Mexican Diet May Cut Breast Cancer Risk

When it comes to breast cancer, a traditional Mexican diet may serve up an ounce of prevention for a variety of women.

A study involving hundreds of women living in the Four Corners region (Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona) shows that a diet emphasizing Mexican cheeses, beans, soups, tomato-based sauces, and meat may help lower the risk of breast cancer in both Hispanic and non-Hispanic women.

WebMD

There’s more info. Like most of these kinds of studies, the results are mixed. Still …

A Lesson In Watching Out What You Wish For

An excellent look at China and the upcoming Olympics from Functional Ambivalent. Good stuff.

An excerpt:

The Chinese wanted the Summer Games for the same reason everyone else does: the P.R. value of having everyone in the world stop by when the house is clean and the kids are in their Sunday best. The Chinese government promised, in effect, to not be itself — abandoning it’s longstanding policy of horrifying oppression and cruelty in pursuit of a perfect society. Landing the games was a triumph, but I wonder now if there aren’t a few high in the bureaucracy massaging their foreheads and asking themselves, “What were we thinking?”

April 9th ought to be a national holiday

Today we celebrate the birthdays

… of Hugh Hefner. Hef is 82.

… of Michael Learned. Momma Walton is 69.

… of Jerry Lee Lewis, Gordon Cooper, Doc Holliday, Sam Houston and, lest we forget, New Orleans Det. Remy McSwain. Dennis Quaid is 54.

… of Cynthia Nixon. The Sex in the City star is 42. Nixon played the maid hired by Salieri to spy on Mozart in the film Amadeus.

… of Rudy Huxtable. Keshia Knight Pulliam is 29.

Paul Robeson was was born on this date in 1898.

Paul Robeson was the epitome of the 20th-century Renaissance man. He was an exceptional athlete, actor, singer, cultural scholar, author, and political activist. His talents made him a revered man of his time, yet his radical political beliefs all but erased him from popular history. Today, more than one hundred years after his birth, Robeson is just beginning to receive the credit he is due.

Read more from the profile of Robeson at the PBS site for American Masters.

Appomattox Court House

Head Quarters of the Armies of the United States
Appomattox C.H. Va. Apl 9th 1865

Gen. R. E. Lee
Comd’g C.S.A.

General,

In accordance with the substance of my letter to you of the 8th inst., I propose to receive the surrender of the Army of N. Va. on the following terms to wit; Rolls of all the officers and men be made in duplicate, one copy to be given to an officer to be designated by me, the other to be retained by such officer or officers as you may designate. The officers to give their individual paroles not to take up arms against the Government of the United States until properly exchanged, and each company or regimental commander to sign a like parole for the men of their commands – The arms, artillery and public property to be parked and stacked and turned over to the officer appointed by me to receive them. This will not embrace the side arms of the officers nor their private horses or baggage. This done each officer and man will be allowed to return to their homes, not to be disturbed by United States authority as long as they observe their parole and the laws in force where they may reside—

Very Respectfully
U. S. Grant
Lt. Gen

The two generals met shortly after noon on April 9, 1865, at the home of Wilmer McClean in the village of Appomattox Court House, Virginia. Lee’s surrender of the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant, general-in-chief of all United States forces, hastened the conclusion of the Civil War.

In the weeks following, Confederate forces surrendered, and Confederate President Jefferson Davis was captured. On April 14, President Lincoln’s name was added to the list of over 1 million Civil War casualties, and the bloody era the that began four years earlier in the corn fields of Manassas, Virginia finally was brought to a close. (Library of Congress)

‘Au nom de Louis XIV, roi de France et de Navarre, le 9 avril 1682’

The ill-fated René-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle, reached the Gulf of Mexico by way of the Mississippi River on this date in 1682 and claimed the Mississippi watershed in the name of France, naming it Louisiana in honor of King Louis XIV.

Je, René-Robert Cavelier de La Salle, en vertu de la commission de Sa Majesté que je tiens en mains, prêt à la faire voir à qui il pourrait appartenir, ai pris et prends possession, au nom de Sa Majesté et de ses successeurs de sa couronne, de ce pays de la Louisiane, mers, havres, ports, baies, détroits adjacents et de toutes les nations, peuples, provinces, villes, bourgs, villages, mines, minières, pèches, fleuves, rivières compris dans l’étendue de ladite Louisiane.

Two-Faced Baby Worshipped As Goddess

(AP) A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said Tuesday.

The baby, Lali, apparently has an extremely rare condition known as craniofacial duplication, where a single head has two faces. Except for her ears, all of Lali’s facial features are duplicated – she has two noses, two pairs of lips and two pairs of eyes.

“My daughter is fine – like any other child,” said Vinod Singh, 23, a poor farm worker.

CBS News

Goddess nothing. She’s already running for political office.

There’s a photo if you click on the link. All part of God’s plan I’m sure.

April 8th ought to be a national holiday

Today we celebrate the birthdays

. . . of Betty Ford, 90.

. . . of journalist Seymour Hersh, 71.

It was Seymour Hersh who broke the story that American soldiers had massacred an entire village in Vietnam, killing all the men, women, and children. He followed up on it and broke the story of what is now known as the My Lai massacre and went on to write a Pulitzer Prize-winning book on the subject, My Lai 4: A Report on the Massacre and Its Aftermath (1970).

The Writer’s Almanac from American Public Media

. . . of John Havlicek, 68.

Known for clutch performances in big games, Havlicek posted impressive numbers during his illustrious 16-year career. In 1,270 regular-season games he scored 26,395 points and averaged 20.8 points to rank as the Celtics’ all-time leading scorer and the sixth-highest scorer in NBA history. He also grabbed 8,007 rebounds, recorded 6,114 assists, and played on eight Boston championship teams. He appeared in 13 consecutive NBA All-Star Games, earned 11 selections to the All-NBA First or Second Team, and was named to the NBA All-Defensive First or Second Team eight times.

NBA.com

. . . of Gary Carter, 54.

A rugged receiver and enthusiastic on-field general, Gary Carter excelled at one of baseball’s most demanding positions, as both as offensive and defensive force. A three-time Gold Glove Award winner, Carter belted 324 home runs in his 19-season major league career. “Kid” showed a knack for the big-time, twice earning All-Star Game MVP awards in his 11 selections. His clutch 10th-inning single in Game Six of the 1986 World Series sparked a dramatic Mets’ comeback victory, ultimately leading to a World Series title.

National Baseball Hall of Fame

. . . of Barbara Kingsolver, 53.

She majored in biology at DePauw University in Indiana, and then got a master’s degree in evolutionary biology. She was working on a Ph.D. thesis on the social lives of termites when she decided to abandon a career in science and try to become a writer. She took a job as a technical writer, which forced her to sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day and do nothing but write. She later said, “I learned to produce whether I wanted to or not. It would be easy to say oh, I have writer’s block, oh, I have to wait for my muse. I don’t. Chain that muse to your desk and get the job done.”

Her first novel was The Bean Trees (1986), about a woman from rural Kentucky who leaves home so she won’t get stuck in a boring, dead-end life. She’s perhaps best known for her novel The Poisonwood Bible (1998), about the wife and four daughters of an evangelical Baptist minister who go as missionaries to the Belgian Congo in 1959.

The Writer’s Almanac from American Public Media

. . . of the Princess bride. Robin Wright Penn is 42.

Peggy Lennon is 67 and Julian Lennon is 45. They are not related.

Patricia Arquette (Allison Dubois) is 40 and Emma Caulfield (Susan Keats and Anya) is 35.

Gladys Marie Smith was born on this date in 1892. We know her as Mary Pickford. Miss Pickford won the Oscar for best actress for Coquette. The first big female movie star, Pickford was an industry leader as well, helping found United Artists and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Jim “Catfish” Hunter was born on this date in 1946.

The bigger the game, the better he pitched. Jim “Catfish” Hunter, with his pinpoint control, epitomized smart pitching at its finest. He pitched a perfect game in 1968, won 21 or more games five times in a row, and claimed the American League Cy Young Award in 1974. Arm trouble ended his career at age 33, but he still won 224 games and five World Series rings. The likable pitching ace died in 1999 at age 53 – a victim of ALS, the same disease that cut short the life of Lou Gehrig.

National Baseball Hall of Fame

Yip Harburg

… was born on this date in 1896. One of the great lyricists, Harburg would be loved by us all if only for —

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There’s a land that I’ve heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can’t I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why oh why can’t I?

The Harburg Foundation provides this biographical sketch:

Edgar Y. (Yip) Harburg (1896-1981) was born of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents of modest means on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. He attended the City University of New York. In high school (Townsand Harris) he met his lifelong friend, Ira Gershwin and discovered that they shared a mutual love for the works of Gilbert and Sullivan. Yip and Ira were frequent contributors of poetry and light verse to their high school and college papers.

The years after college found Yip slipping further away from writing and eventually into the world of business. After the electric appliance business Yip had helped develop over seven long years was decimated by the stock market crash of 1929, Yip turned his attention back full time to the art of writing lyrics. His old friend Ira Gershwin became a mentor, co-writer and promoter of Yip’s.

Mr. Harburg’s Broadway achievements included Bloomer Girl, Finnian’s Rainbow, Flahooley and Jamaica.

His most noted work in film musicals was in The Wizard of OZ for which he wrote lyrics, was the final editor and contributed much to the script (including the scene at the end where the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion are rewarded for their efforts by the Wizard). He also wrote lyrics for the Warner Brothers movie, Gay Purr-ee.

Yip was “blacklisted” during the 50’s by film, radio and television for his liberal views.

In all, Yip wrote lyrics to 537 songs including; “Brother Can You Spare a Dime”, “April In Paris”, “It’s Only a Paper Moon”, “Hurry Sundown”, “Lydia the Tattooed Lady”, “How Are Things In Glocca Mora” and of course his most famous… “Over the Rainbow”.

Great game

Exciting win for Kansas in overtime and a great game overall. I didn’t even mind Billy Packer.

There could well be an equally exciting game Tuesday night when Stanford plays Tennessee for the women’s championship. Can Candace Parker, first woman ever to dunk in an NCAA tournament game, overcome her shoulder injury and lead the Vols to a repeat title (and eighth overall; Stanford has won it all twice)?

And if you didn’t hang around for Monday’s post game show you missed the Jayhawks climbing a Werner ladder — “Official Ladder of the NCAA® Basketball Championships” — to cut down the net. There isn’t anything that isn’t available for marketing these days.

A Pueblo Mystery

Why did the Ancestral Pueblo people leave Four Corners?

Scientists once thought the answer lay in impersonal factors like the onset of a great drought or a little ice age. But as evidence accumulates, those explanations have come to seem too pat — and slavishly deterministic. Like people today, the Anasazi (or Ancient Puebloans, as they are increasingly called) were presumably complex beings with the ability to make decisions, good and bad, about how to react to a changing environment. They were not pawns but players in the game.

Looking beyond climate change, some archaeologists are studying the effects of warfare and the increasing complexity of Anasazi society. They are looking deeper into ancient artifacts and finding hints of an ideological struggle, clues to what was going through the Anasazi mind.

Read more about from The New York Times.