You Know You Are from New Mexico When …

[First posted here five years ago today. Like any list, not every one is LOL funny, but if you live in New Mexico you’ll be nodding in agreement with most.]

• You don’t think it’s weird that everybody stares at you when you walk into the Frontier.
• You snicker whenever someone from out of state tries to pronounce your last name.
• You’ve had a school day cancelled because there was half an inch of snow on the ground.
• You know what an Arroyo is.
• Your high school’s name was a Spanish word (La Cueva, Eldorado, Sandia, Manzano…)
• You still call the “Flying Star” the “Double Rainbow” and it’s still the best place to get dessert in the world!
• There is a kachina somwhere in your home or yard.
• You believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations.
• You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
• Most restaurants you go to begin with El or Los.
• You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.
• You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
• The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.
• You price-shop for tortillas.
• You have an extra freezer just for green chile.
• You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
• You believe using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.
• You don’t make eye contact with other drivers because you can’t tell how well armed they are just by looking.
• You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
• You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.
• You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.
• You pass on the right because that’s the fast-lane.
• You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
• You know they don’t skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn’t sell newspapers.
• You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley and the Owl Bar was better before they put in the turn-off.
• You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.
• You can’t control your car on wet pavement.
• There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
• You know that The Jesus Tortilla is not a band.
• You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.
• You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.
• Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.
• You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.
• You can actually hear the Taos hum.
• All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
• You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.
• You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.
• You iron your jeans to dress up.
• You don’t see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
• Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
• Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.
• You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.
• Your car is missing a fender or bumper (or a turn signal and aligned headlights).
• You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 a.m. because you were hungry.
• You know the response to the question “red or green?”
• You’re relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer potholes.
• You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque, and know the Organ mountains are not a phallic symbol!
• You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor they are going to charge you extra for international shipping.
• You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.
• You can order your Big Mac with green chile.
• You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.
• You associate bridges with mud, not water.
• You know you will run into at least three cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam’s or Home Depot.
• Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
• If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
• Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are real houses.
• A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don’t need to write it on your shopping list; it’s a given.
• At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.
• Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.
• A tarantula on your porch is ordinary.
• A scorpion in your tub is ordinary.
• A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary.
• A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common.
• A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.
• You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico.