Charlie Brown has never knowingly taken steroids

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (2006). Funny stuff. A couple of excerpts:

DISTRICT ATTORNEY OTHMAR: Wah wah-wah wah, wah, wah wah-wah-wah wah?

CHARLIE BROWN: I’m sorry, sir, but I didn’t knowingly lie to the grand jury.

D.A.: Wah-wah-wah-wah?

BROWN: I did not knowingly take steroids, sir. Period. Snoopy gave me something to make me throw harder, but he said it was flaxseed oil and vitamin drops. I was tired of having the ball hit back up the middle and all my clothes torn off.

BROWN: My head’s always been this big. Ask Sally. And I’m not going bald; I’ve never had more than three hairs, sir.