An old man was lying on his death bed, wishing for one more pleasure out of life. Suddenly, he smelled the scent of cookies coming from the kitchen. With all the strength left in him, he made his way to the kitchen, where his wife was busy baking. It took all he had to reach out for a cookie. Just when he got his hands on one, his wife slapped him on the wrist. “Leave those alone,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”
Here’s another, both from A Prairie Home Companion: Pretty Good Jokes.
An atheist was hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and sure enough the bear is gaining on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear catches up to him, so man begins to run, but it’s no use because the bear is right behind him now, with one claw raised high in the air ready to come down on him. The man, gripped with fear, shouts out loud, “Oh dear God, don’t let me die.”
With that everything freezes in time, and the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above. He says “I can save you my son, but first you must believe. Do you believe?”
The man, confused and terrified, says “No, I’m an atheist, you don’t exist.”
God replies, “So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you.”
The man, scrambling to save his life, asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?”
God thinks about this for a minute and replies, “I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian.” And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all it’s momentum, drops to ground dizzy and confused. The man wondering if the bear is now a Christian doesn’t know what to think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear’s eyes get really big which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head. This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying a prayer.
Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive…”