In a comment, Cat’s Mom, Tanya says:
New MexiKen- I would like to propose a topic for you to opine upon. I have struggled for the last 5 plus years to determine what makes a good parent and what traits, actions and habits are common among good parents. My definition of a good parent at this point is one who raises happy, healthy, well-adjusted, well-informed people who go on to contribute to society in a positive manner, preferably after completing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Knowing your particular track record in this record, which I consider outstanding, I am looking for insight from you and your Internet brethren (or sisters) on this topic. With all of the noise and distractions that the world has to offer, how do you raise children who are safe, sane, happy and ready to face what is out there?
Wow. There are probably more strongly held opinions on this than there are about religion. Indeed, while I entitled this post “Parenting 101,” I think Tanya is asking for a syllabus for the advanced course.
NewMexiKen isn’t certain that I have anything worthwhile to say — but, of course, that never stops me. I will need to give it some thought first, however.
How about contributions from the readers — even if you are not a parent, you were once a child.
How do you raise children who are safe, sane, happy and ready to face what is out there?
I wonder if I can add a little to the topic from the “I was once a child” perspective. On Labor Day I traveled to Fort McHenry (which guarded Baltimore during the War of 1812 and whose flag was the inspiration of our national anthem, but I digress). When there, I witnessed a scene that made me cringe:
A volunteer was instructing some kids on how to be a soldier (standing in formation, turning, marching) and each child was given a wooden replica of an early-1800s era rifle.
That’s when I saw her: the mother who wouldn’t let her kid be a kid. She was hovering, and making sure her son did everything “right.” When they marched around the parade grounds, she walked along beside him still.
I’m not sure if he was healthy, or if he might possibly have a developmental disability or something else that might warrant her behavior, but, at face value, it looked like she was just preventing the little guy from having fun.
As a parent to a step-daughter and two adopted children (I usually don’t make the distinction, but in this case, it may add some relevance), I agree with Avelino that the first thing you have to do is acknowledge the individual. My youngest daughter likes pink, frilly things, my son likes boy stuff, and my older daughter was more of a tomboy. All children are individuals, and you can’t hammer them into a mold.
The next thing is to let them know they are loved unconditionally. This doesn’t mean you spoil them with material goods, but it means you listen to them, you talk with them honestly and (to a certain degree) as equals, and you let them know they come before your job, your hobbies, your concerns about money, etc.
After that, you have to set rules and standards and stick to them: however much you love them, you’re the parent, and you have to make decisions they’re not going to like. You can include them in some of the decisions, but the buck stops with you.
Finally, you have to let them try things and fail. It’s hard as hell, you want to do everything for them, but they won’t learn if everything is done for them.
Ah, bullshit! You have to beat the fear of God in to ’em!
Eighteen years ago this week my father gave us this advice – “I can’t tell you how to raise your kid. All I can say is love him as much as you can.”
It seems to have worked. And said kid has been doing his own laundry for the last five years. Ya gotta love THAT!
Unconditional love.
I have to give two responses to this topic.
I’m disturbed by the following statement by Cat’s mom, Tanya: “…preferably after completing undergraduate and graduate degrees.”
So what if your child doesn’t want to go to college?
What if they want to be an electrician, or a woodworker, or a photographer, or a long-haul trucker, or football player, or ballerina, or a shoe salesman or one of 10,000 other careers that don’t require a degree?
Will you be disapointed? Will you consider them a failure? Will you cringe at the thought of revealing to your peers what your offspring are doing with their lives?
As to my comment “preferably after completing undergraduate and graduate degrees,” I make no apologies for setting the expectation that my two will attend and graduate from college, regardless of what they elect as their future vocations. Even if my daughters elect to be photographers, ballerinas, truckers, et. al., I want them to have a solid educational base from which to make their decision. The decision will ultimately be theirs, and I would of course love them no matter what they decided, but I would be lying if I said I wouldnt be disappointed for them (not in them) if they did not avail themselves of a college education, regardless of whether they used their education in their future careers or not. Education, to my mind, is never a waste and is the second best gift a parent can give a child, behind unconditional love.
To Richard’s point one of the standards we want to set is not whether they will go to college, but where. Where they go, what they study and what they ultimately do as a career is their choice but the expectation is that they will have a college degree when embarking into the world.
I want this for them not because of what my peers will think or for my own ego but so that they can have the best possible start to their lives.
The same section, about college and graduate degrees, jumped out at me when I read Tanya’s post.
When I think about what I want for my kids, all I ever seem to come up with is that I want them to be happy. And that isn’t just some rainbow-colored, Disney sentiment. I want them to be successful, and to contribute, and to find people and things in life that make them happy. But I also want them to have the emotional well-being to be able to actually be happy when they have all the things that should make them happy…which should be simple but sure as hell isn’t.
My oldest son is only six and he’s already wound tighter than most bond traders. I see traits in him that I recognize from myself, things that I know have worked to make me less happy and less satisfied with my life. And I wonder how I can help him overcome those things and find more balance and more easy contentment as he grows older.
A big part of this seems to be recognizing that he, and each of my other children, are unique individuals. Duh, right? But it becomes very easy to lump them together as “the kids” and assume they will follow the same path…one that you will create for them. But in actuality they won’t all grow up with the same emotional needs or with the same abilities, talents and desires. I think as a parent it is really important not to decide that they all have to do the same thing, or that they all have to do what you did.
I have an undergraduate and a graduate degree. This was partly because I enjoyed college, and enjoyed education. But it was also because in my family, as Tanya suggested for hers, it wasn’t whether we’d go to college, but where. I never considered skipping college.
But if one of my kids decides that college isn’t for him, and won’t help make him happy, I hope I can support that decision. Because the “unconditional” part of unconditional love is just as important as the “love” part.
Read to them. Read to them when they are babies and won’t understand any of the words, read to them when they are toddlers and won’t sit still, read to them in pre-K and kindergarden when they tell you that “they’ve heard that story” and “you got the words wrong”, read to them in elementary school books that aren’t grade-appropriate, read to them in middle school out of the morning paper to discuss the meaning of citizenship.
Let them see you reading, and not just sitting at the computer. I can’t believe how many houses of my kids’ friends I enter and say, “Where are all the books?” And no, on-line reading is not the same thing.
Let them hear your voice as you make up words to Good Dog Carl. As you laugh with Pete in Pete’s A Pizza. As you try to voice Bilbo, Gollum, and Beorn. As you try to make out the dialect in Treasure Island.
If I still had a blog, I would go on. But you get my drift.
There is a line in The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver that I’d like to quote to begin this entry:
“There were two things about Mama. One is she always expected the best out of me. And the other is that then no matter what I did, whatever I came home with, she acted like it was the moon I had just hung up in the sky and plugged in all the stars. Like I was that good.”
I think this quotation illustrates how a child who received unconditional love feels. I work hard every day in the hope that my children feel this way when they’re adults. To love like this doesn’t mean you do not set goals for your children (e.g., college education). That’s your job. Parents just need to set high expectations and then fully celebrate all achievements. (My four-year-old’s backwards 7 drives me batty, but I celebrate it because she has all the time in the world to learn it right. I’ll know when the time is right to help her turn it around.)
I truly believe that my children can do or be whatever they want. But, for this to happen, I have a pretty important job, too. I have to expose them to many different parts of life (education, the arts, sports, religion, politics, and so on) so that they can figure out where they belong.
I think my job as a parent is to give my children opportunities and guide them through life so they can experience success and failure. I will help them make decisions as children by showing them many possible options. I believe this will prepare them to make good, strong decisions as adults.
If they find the right path in life, I think that happiness and contentment follow.
Well, so much of what I feel and believe has already been covered. But, as to keeping them safe, I have something to add. Avelino touched on this, too…. You have to let them experience things and explore their world. Little by little, as they grow, you have to allow them to range a bit further, reach a bit farther, climb a bit higher, and, yes, even take some risks–within reason. Not just the risk of failure, but the risk of getting dirty and germy (it develops immunities), of possibly falling down or off something, of jumping and running and playing sports and all that jazz. (Even a broken bone is not the end of the world. I’m not saying let them run in front of cars, but don’t baby them too much because the rest of the world sure won’t.) With close supervision, teach them to use sharp implements and other dangerous items (such as matches) safely, so they don’t sneak around and do it unsafely. (Elementary school is already too late for this.) As much as they are capable, teach them to be responsible for themselves. Teach them to cook and do laundry and perform important personal tasks according to their ability, and don’t underestimate their ability. And don’t hover! Like Richard said, let them make mistakes and learn from them–mistakes are the best teachers and need not crush your soul. Above all, teach them to be cautious about everything (without instilling fear and paranoia) and then let them develop their own survival instincts. If you don’t, some day they may need to rely on those instincts and they won’t know how to survive the situation. This goes for sex and other risky behaviors, too. If they know nothing about them, it will be a lot easier for their peers to manipulate them into dangerous, possibly life-threatening, situations. Naive and/or unassertive people are the easiest of all to take advantage of, so don’t let your child grow up to be one of them.
Of course, all of the above. But no one has really touched on discipline. I am referring to rules. There should be some and a respect for them. And since I mention it, respect too. For their teachers, their parents, their siblings, the world and themselves. Responsibility should be taught to children. If you love your children totally, teach them to love too, respect themselves and others, teach them to laugh – a lot and at themselves also, to be curious about the world and instill a desire to “find out more” then hopefully with all of the stuff from the other comments they will be happy, productive people. I spend in inordinate amount of time worrying that I am “ruining” my kids. I suppose that every parent does – second guessing decisions or punishments or even when you are too tired to play hide and seek again. They are only 2 and 4 so I have a lot of time to screw them up. But I remember what a very wise man told me when I am fretting about being a SuperMom and raising SuperKids, “what would a good enough parent do?” and I am reminded to look at the basics. Love, laughter and respect. The rest is just gravy.
In comment 11, Debby says, “You have to let [children] experience things and explore their world.” Just to show you that she practiced what she preaches, this was published here four years ago (September 12, 2003):
As my daughters have already made somewhat clear, NewMexiKen agrees fully with Tanya about education — at least so far as a bachelor’s degree. College isn’t vocational school — it’s about broadening your horizons, expanding your knowledge, and meeting a variety of people. It’s also, potentially, some of the best years of your life. I did (and still would) want my children to have that experience.
But I’d still love them even if they didn’t.
(And there is always this to keep in mind: High school is about how to learn, college is about what there is to learn, and graduate school is about where to learn it.)