• Spiderman 3 made $382 million worldwide over the weekend. But then again, so did the guy who owns a Texaco station near my house.
• According to a new study by the University of Washington, 90 percent of children under the age of 2 are couch potatoes. You know what you call these kids? Tater tots.
Leno
• The last time the queen was in the United States was in 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Hell, back then, President Bush was fighting the war in Iraq.
• Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program.
• This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.
Letterman
• We’re circulating [our own] petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 “Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.”
Kimmel