These, via Daily Kos:
“Osama bin Laden released his first new audiotaped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it’s mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they’re too busy listening to your phone calls.”
— Tina Fey
“According to a study at the University of Colorado, researchers say morning grogginess can give you a feeling of being legally drunk and unable to think straight. They say this condition can last anywhere from a few minutes in some people to as long as two entire terms in office.”
— Jay Leno
I snorted Vanilla Bean Frappaccino out my nose on the 2nd one!