Leno

“The temperature was cold, wasn’t it? It was so cold, Karl Malone got his tongue stuck on Kobe’s wife.”

“According to ‘In Touch’ magazine Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair products for men. Donald Trump hair products? Isn’t that a little like Keith Richards coming out with his own line of facial creams.”

And from New Year’s Eve:

“Happy New Year everybody! We’re live tonight. Unfortunately, so is bin Laden. And Scott Peterson.”

“Andre Champagne has announced they have a new screw on top that keeps their four-dollar bottle of champagne bubbling for days. Well that’s good news – you wouldn’t want to rush through a four dollar bottle of champagne. That’s something you want to keep in the refrigerator next to the half eaten Big Mac in the zip lock bag. “