Top Ten John Kerry Excuses:
10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn’t get flu shots.
9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots.
5. Should’ve campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico.
3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady.
1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O’Reilly.
Top Ten Ways George Bush Celebrated:
10. Eliminated tax cut for 55 million Americans who voted for Kerry.
9. Went trippin’ on a handful of Cheney’s heart pills.
6. Pretended not to notice his father’s envious weeping.
5. Dug out tapes of some of his favorite Texas executions.
1. Asked for Laura’s help with a very different bulge under his suit.