“If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it’s probably your last night to do those things … Personally I’ll be killing two birds with one stone.”
– “Daily Show” correspondent Ed Helms, on the Bush mandate
“You have to feel bad for John Kerry because now he’ll have to go back to his life of being a senator, windsurfing and being a billionaire.”
– David Letterman
“President Bush was really sweating this, because he knew if Kerry won, he’s probably make Bush go to Iraq and finish his National Guard service.”
– Jay Leno
“In his concession speech, John Kerry said he is so grateful he wishes he could hug everyone of his supporters. After hearing this, Ralph Nader said, actually I was able to hug all of my supporters.”
– Conan O’Brien
“No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders agree, whatever it is, it’s safe to assume he’ll be ineffective.”
– Jon Stewart