Not My Job

The Official Winner of the “Not My Job” Contest. Click, it’s a photo. And funny.

This’ll work as long as 4-year-old girls are getting married

If your nuptial dreams include a fairy-tale wedding, Walt Disney Co. might have the perfect solution.

The company is using its stable of imaginary princesses as inspiration for a new line of wedding gowns. Disney and bridal designer Kirstie Kelly have developed a line of ethereal gowns that pay homage to Cinderella, Jasmine, Snow White, Ariel and Sleeping Beauty.

“They will be high-fashion and very modern,” said Paulette Cleghorn, president of Designer Loft Productions, a New York public-relations firm representing Kelly. “We are modernizing the princess concept. There is a difference between a girl who is inspired by Snow White and one who wants to dress like Snow White.”

Orlando Sentinel

Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Oscar to Bush

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of his Hollywood audience Sunday night, the high court’s decision to give his Oscar to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

But in a 5-4 decision handed down Tuesday morning, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Oscar because President Bush deserved it more.

“It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.”

The Borowitz Report

In Every Job That Must Be Done There Is an Element of Fun

Guy #1 flipping through showbill: So, what else has Mary Poppins done?

Girl #1: Greg*.

Guy #1: What?

Guy #2: Oh, yeah — you know Greg from work? Apparently he did the chick playing Mary Poppins back when they were both living in LA. He lost his virginity to her, in fact.

Girl #2: Wait, wait — you know a dude who cashed in his V card with Mary Poppins? Oh my god, that is just all sorts of awesome!

–Intermission of Mary Poppins

Overheard in New York and copied here because I loved their title.

I don’t think so

LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.

Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that’s LL!

Black woman to white woman: You people don’t understand — that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!

– LaGuardia

Overheard in New York

NewMexiKen Household Hint

When turning on the garbage disposal and hearing a loud grinding metallic sound, it’s best to turn off the disposal and not to turn it on again to check and see if it repeats the sound.

I’m going to need a new coffee scoop.

Previous NewMexiKen Household Hints.

Dyslexic child ‘was stupid as well’

The parents of a middle-class child diagnosed as ‘dyslexic’ have been contacted by educational psychologists who have discovered that the underperforming pupil was actually just stupid as well.

Seven year old Henry Bradley from Gloucester had been doing less well than many of his classmates for some time. ‘We couldn’t understand it…’ said his mother; ‘Henry comes from a supportive home where he is encouraged with his homework and has a private tutor for his maths. Eventually we had him privately assessed, and it was a great relief to us when the experts told us that Henry was dyslexic. Suddenly it all made sense.’

However, suspecting there may more complex reasons for Henry’s underachievement, the educational psychologist booked the child in for further tests and eventually made her unprecedented discovery. ‘He’s just dim,’ said Dr Janice Trenter. ‘Someone has to be.’

NewsBiscuit

Except in Lake Wobegon, where all the children are above average.

Jousting

A new way to joust. I’d pay to see this. They should have a tournament during the Super Bowl half-time (anything but Prince).

Rav4 Jousting

Link via MildChild.

Creepy

My reference to Walter, the Farting Dog a while ago attracted a Google search this morning. The searcher was looking for, and I don’t even want to think about this, “farting porn.” No, really. It’s all your fault Natalie.

The Gender Test

Joel Achenbach has a multiple-choice test to determine if you are a man or a woman. Not among his best efforts, but still, it has its chuckles.

Ice Queen

Shakespeare’s Sister has the story on the ice formation from heaven:

An ice formation inside a Morton, Texas, grocery store’s freezer is prompting tears from people who see it and has apparently answered the prayers of some visitors, according to a Local 6 News report.

Go read the article and see the photo of this thing and tell me there isn’t at least one other interpretation of the shape of this ice formation.

Go here, see the Morans

From Shakespeare’s Sister, photos of morans.

Top Ten Psychic Predictions for 2007

SnoLepard, official brother of NewMexiKen (his real name is Lee), has made some startling predictions for 2007.

Number 10: Paris and Britney’s new line of fragrances, anchored by their eau de toilette Princess And The Pee will fail even worse than Nick Nolte’s biopic Jose Cuervo.

Number 9: Scuttlebutt about the so-called Madden curse makes marquee NFL players jittery about having their picture on the box of Madden NFL, so EA Sports will talk the entire 2007 Superbowl Champion Baltimore Ravens into appearing on the cover en masse. They will finish the following season 0-16.

Number 8: Bush’s overseas approval ratings will dip so low he will be forced to travel to the U.S. to get away from all his critics.

Number 7: O.J. Simpson will open Killer Ribs, a barbecue restaurant in Florida, using the money Fox says it paid him to write and discuss how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend. He vows to use the profits to find the people who “really got the money from Fox.”

Number 6: The NCAA will announce its intention to discontinue the end of the season basketball tournaments. March Madness will be replaced by a series of meaningless one-time games between two more or less winning teams to be decided by the hosts of the games, spread out over three weeks and scattered about the country. The exception will be the so-called championship game, whose two participants will be decided by a committee who will review various polls and computer rankings to determine which two teams are the most deserving to be crowned Champs.

Number 5: Michael Richards and Mel Gibson will team up to produce Oy Vey Yo Bro, a CD that is a hybrid of Klezmer and Hip-hop in a conciliatory gesture towards previously offended minority groups. It will be so bad that even William Shatner won’t cover the tunes.

Number 4: YouTube will overtake NBC in both advertising revenue and viewer ratings. This news will overshadow the revelation that NBC has actually been showing only reruns for the last three seasons.

Number 3: After getting mired in a bidding war over the adoption of a North Korean baby, Madonna and Angelina Jolie have a cat fight and end up in a bitter feud that only Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell can successfully mediate.

Number 2: Confiding in Secretary Rice that he is worried about the course of events in Iraq, Bush will order her to hire a team of “language guys, with really good word books, like at universities and them places” to find new ways to tell the same old story.

And my number one Top Ten psychic prediction for 2007:

Secretary Rice will be overheard explaining to George Bush that a thesaurus isn’t a kind of dinosaur, a linguist isn’t someone who makes noodles and paradigms aren’t something worth twenty cents. It will make YouTube’s 10 most popular clips list for 2007.

Best line of the day, so far

When I was a child, I tell my offspring, my brother and I often would receive just one present at Christmastime, typically an individual crayon. It wouldn’t even be a full crayon, but merely a stub. Still, we’d be grateful and would pretend that “brown” was our favorite of the 64 Crayola colors. We would talk about how great this crayon would be if only we could afford paper.

Joel Achenbach

[First posted here a year ago.]

The four stages of life

1. You believe in Santa
2. You don’t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa

Dizzy

Don’t get dizzy.

Now there’s a warning sign!

Click image for larger version.

Digging a hole to China

When NewMexiKen was a kid we always heard about digging a hole to China. I see that even a recent television car ad shows a Jeep falling through to China.

At some point in school, however, I realized that the Earth being round and all, if I dug from North America straight into the ground I wouldn’t end up in China at all. For one thing, digging from north of the equator, I’d have to end up south of the equator.

But where would I come out? This has troubled me for decades, keeping me awake nights as I tried to calculate latitude and longitude in my head. (Hey, you count sheep, I imagine the globe.)

Well finally, someone has assembled a tool.

Best Bush Impression Ever

Pretty cool

Video from YouTube. Gravity in motion. Ingenious.

NewMexiKen poll update

“Carbon copy” was the clear winner over “courtesy copy” 24-6 despite the fact that there’s no evidence I can see for carbon in email. I suppose horseless carriage would win out over automobile with this crowd, too.

Dog is the true favorite for a friend. If you include the one vote for small (aka faux) dog, dogs beat cats 13-5. However, with the 10 votes rung up by duck and goat tied together, buffalo (aka bison) and fish, we may need a runoff election. Or let the Supreme Court decide, what the hell.

As for the look of the site, those votes keep trickling in. At the moment “old look” is leading “awesome” 35-34, with 4 for “nice.” Five voters cast their vote for Ralph Nader (”what new look”) and can’t really be considered. Those five are probably people who read the RSS feed, which remains unchanged and boring. There is some talk that “nice” will broker a deal with “awesome” so that the new look will win. But Fox News hasn’t reported yet, so who knows? And we still haven’t heard from Chicago.

Double Feature

It’s a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Brokeback Mountain in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

I need your advice

Maybe it’s just the season, or the distance between The Sweeties® and me, but I’ve been feeling kind of lonely lately. I think I’ll get a pet.

I’ll Take That as a Yes

Guy #1: Have you been hitting the grass again?

Guy #2: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be orange?

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by Jerry

via Overheard in New York

What Would You Do with a Brain If You Had One?

Chick #1: I gotta read this book for class, and I don’t want to.

Chick #2: Oh, I hate that [stuff]. I hate having to read [stuff] I hate.

Chick #1: I know I don’t want to read it. I don’t get the book, I don’t understand it — it’s stupid

Chick #2: What book you gotta read?

Chick #1: I don’t know, its called, like, Increasin’ Your Brain Power or something.

–E train

Overheard in New York

Maybe words and stuff wouldn’t be so intimidating if she’d grown up playing with the Leonardo da Vinci Action Figure. “Each figure comes with a paintbrush, an easel, a frame and some of his art and sketches to display.” (Via FunctionalAmbivalent, whose readers appear to have already bought this item out.)

Or spent more time in intellectually challenging activities like Reindeer Arm Wrestling. (Via dangerousmeta!.)

Exciting New NewMexiKen Poll

This came up in conversation yesterday.

From Life Comes Art

DNA11, converting your body’s chemistry into works of art.

The perfect gift for someone who has everything including a big ego. Actually, pretty cool.

Link via kahunaburger.

Dick Cheney’s Google Searches

David Friend lists Dick Cheney’s Google Searches.

I think this is satire, but it might be the real list.

Link via kottke.

Christmas Gift Bag#11

From FunctionalAmbivalent, though I assume by now you are already reading Tom each day and don’t need my linkage. Nonetheless, Christmas Gift Bag#11: Giving Good Bobblehead. Turn everyone you know into a bobblehead doll.

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out

A Christmas Story in 30 seconds with bunnies.

Christmas Gift Bag #9

FunctionalAmbivalent thinks a toaster that “allows you to assemble the sandwich and then toast the bread” might lead to some “cheese leakage issues.”

Thinking Tom might be on to something, NewMexiKen is considering acquiring the internet domain cheeseleakageissues.com.

Britney Spears Interview Techniques

Girl: So, like, I totally want this job… Should I sleep with this guy?

Friend: No, but just show a little bit more panty when you cross your legs and you should be okay.

–51st & 6th

Overheard in New York

What WOULD They Think?

Lincoln and Washington bobblehead dolls from the National Constitution Center store.

Chuckles from Last Week

“Louisiana Congressman Bill Jefferson — the one who got caught with $90,000 in bribe money hidden in his freezer — is running an ad saying he has never taken a bribe from anyone. And you can tell he’s trying to put a good spin on it — he said he put the money in his freezer to protect it from global warming.”

Jay Leno [Jefferson is in a run-off election.]

“The popular toy this Christmas is the new doll – the Heckle Me Kramer.”

David Letterman

Like I wrote in the headline, “Chuckles,” not laughs.

Ins and Outs, Mostly Outs

Freakonomics co-author Stephen Dubner asks: Would You Fly on an Airplane With No Pilot?. That is, would you fly on a remotely operated airliner?

Called and then showed up at a restaurant Sunday afternoon. Was told in turn by four different people: “definitely open for dinner at 4,” “it’s early, but not a problem,” “I don’t think we’re serving yet, but I’ll check,” (it was no), and “not until five.” C’mon folks, how hard can it be? Maybe they had too many hosts and hostesses and not enough cooks. We went somewhere else.

The photo in the masthead (as this is written) is of my neighbor’s house. Don’t tell him. (It’s the least he could do. He’s left than darn things on all night the last two nights.)

My cockles are still warm from the rock ballet last evening. As my friend Donna said, when she danced you had to be the right size and just so to be in the cast. Now everyone is allowed to perform. Seeing as how it wasn’t exactly the Bolshoi, letting everyone perform is just perfect.

True to form (that’s why I love him) FunctionalAmbivalent found a particularly tacky underwear Christmas gift today.

What I’d really like for Christmas:

• Someone to wash all my house windows, inside and out.
• Someone to detail my car.

Jeff Bridges is 57 today, Cassandra Wilson 51, Jay-Z 37, and Tyra Banks 33. Bridges has four Oscar nominations, three for supporting actor and one for leading — Starman.

Christmas Gift Bag #6

If It’s Good Enough For the baby Jesus, It’s Good Enough For Me.

More Christmas Help from Tom

Christmas Gift Bag #5: Evidence That You Actually Can Go Wrong With Jewelry.

Hey, Santa

Vurtego Pro Pogo Stick. Capable of Extreme Heights (7 Feet+) and Burns Up to 2000 Calories an Hour. Comes in three size, all for people over five-feet.

Only $289.99 at Costco.com.

More Gift Ideas from Functional Ambivalent

Christmas Gift Bag #3: Working Class Cowboy and Christmas Gift bag #4: S’more Than Anyone Needs.

Moon In My Room

How cool is this?

I hear a certain Sweetie is getting one for his birthday in two weeks. Shh!

Link via Yee-haw.