4. BILL RICHARDSON
Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name “Richardson.”
Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he’s constitutionally ineligible.
Letterman’s Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Too Old:
8. While playing outfield, yells at teamates to get the hell off his lawn
7. When buying performance-enhancing drugs, gets the AARP discount
1. When he’s in the on-deck circle, asks bat boy, “What did I come in here for?”
• Spiderman 3 made $382 million worldwide over the weekend. But then again, so did the guy who owns a Texaco station near my house.
• According to a new study by the University of Washington, 90 percent of children under the age of 2 are couch potatoes. You know what you call these kids? Tater tots.
Leno
• The last time the queen was in the United States was in 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Hell, back then, President Bush was fighting the war in Iraq.
• Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program.
• This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.
Letterman
• We’re circulating [our own] petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 “Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.”
Kimmel
Washington Post columnist John Kelly dresses up as John Smith to see what people know about Jamestown. Silly and light-hearted, but I thought it had its moments.
The Jamestown Test [5-minute video]
This too is from two years ago today.
1. Shouldn’t it be Jesus comma Christ (that is: Jesus, Christ), rather than Jesus Christ (no punctuation)? Christ is a title right, not technically part of his name?
2. Why is “frigging” acceptable and “f***ing” not? Aren’t words just symbols? So in this case isn’t frigging just a symbol for f***king?
3. There’s a sign I’ve seen a couple of times this week:
SLOW
MY DADDY
AND MOMMY
WORKS HERE
Now, understand I mean no disparagement to highway construction workers. That people drive recklessly through construction zones and endanger workers is an obscenity. And the sign is cute with its attempt to copy a young child’s lettering.
But this particular sign is just wrong. “My Daddy and Mommy Works Here.” Plural noun, singular verb. (Gasp!) Furthermore, do you suppose some kid actually has both his/her dad and mom working on the site? Daddies and mommies might both work there, but “My Daddy and Mommy”? Are we into nepotism in road construction? Doubtful.
Here’s what NewMexiKen suggests:
JESUS, CHRIST
SLOW DOWN
YOU FRIGGING ASSHOLE
PARENTS WORK HERE
NewMexiKen has been doing a little reading about time travel and there is good news and bad news.
The good news is that it is possible.
The bad news is that, according to Einstein’s theory of relativity, you will only be able to time travel to visit relatives.
Four very short, but amusing short stories.
NewMexiKen apologizes, but I never left the eighth grade entirely either and I found Scott Adams take on the Viagra spider pretty funny.
Scott Adams has a plan for that newly discovered planet.
We don’t know if the planet already has life. I suggest we play God and put some there. 20.5 light years is too long for human travel, but we could place some hearty bacteria and whatnot in a probe and fire it in that direction. If there isn’t already life on Gliese 581 C, the bacteria and whatnot can evolve into zebras and Creationists over time. If there already is life on the planet, our bacteria and whatnot will probably infect them and wipe out their civilization. So we might want to put a Mars license plate on the probe.
[Guy] checking voice mail: Apparently my great aunt just died.
Friend: Oh, I’m so sorry.
[Guy]: Don’t be. She was a horrid, raging bitch.
Friend: Oh, well… then… ding dong!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jas
On The Daily Show Jon Stewart and John Oliver explain the Bush Administration. Funny, but accurate.
There’s a 30-second ad first.
. . . but Arizona is more likely, having moved there from Indiana.
Worth waiting through Tony Snow’s introduction.
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“NY Times writer bravely fights global warming by hanging a clothesline. Clothes dry that much faster in the wind generated by patting herself on the back.”
Here’s the actual article by Kathleen A. Hughes, or as Fark.com puts it “Some Windbag.”
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Well, not MY generation.
Here’s the backstory from the Los Angeles Times, but watch the video first. The article gives too much away.
And this, amazing photo.
Meanwhile:
An angry Romanian doctor has cut off a patient’s penis during surgery and chopped it into small pieces.
Surgeon Naum Ciomu was operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.
Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital.
Couldn’t he have just counted to ten? Great plot for Grey’s Anatomy, though, especially if the victim is one of those asinine male doctors. Karev, Shepherd or O’Malley, any will do.
Some good advice:
1. Styrofoam cups
Styrofoam is forever. It’s not biodegradable.
* I can’t remember the last time I used a styrofoam cup but for all those takeaway coffee drinkers, it’s worth finding an alternative.2. Paper towels
Paper towels waste forest resources, landfill space, and your money.
* I couldn’t imagine going without paper towels. I do buy the eco friendly variety but I should probably use old clothes or towels to clean up.3. Bleached coffee filters
Dioxins, chemicals formed during the chlorine bleaching process, contaminate groundwater and air and are linked to cancer in humans and animals.
* I’m not a coffee drinker which looks to be a good thing if this is what is used to make coffee.
And:
Want to stay safe on the roads? Then avoid listening to Guns N Roses, Meat Loaf and Bruce Springsteen behind the wheel.
The trio are among the artists featured on a top 10 of tracks that get people’s blood pumping and in the mood to drive aggressively.
. . .It includes classic rock tracks, such as Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out Of Hell” and Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” as well as tracks such as Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades” and Guns N Roses’ “Paradise City.”
Reuters via Yahoo! News
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[94] BILL RICHARDSON
DarkhorseChubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators. Which, unfortunately, leaves the triple-chinned hopeful with precious little time for the treadmill. Chances may improve if he stays hungry — or if he accidentally eats the rest of the Democratic field onstage during the first debate.
See the other 99 from The Phoenix.
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This has been floating around the internets for the past week or so, once again proving that some folks at Google have a sense of humor. Via Andrew Tobias:
1. go to google
2. click on “maps”
3. click on “get directions”
4. type “New York” in the first box and “London” in the second box
5. hit enter
6. scroll down to step #23
Not to be missed if you are familiar with Dora the Explorer.
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Video from Crooks and Liars.
Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn’t have to tell you my name — what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird…
–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center
No not today, fool. Sunday. Today is March 30th.
Scott Adams has some good April Fools ideas including this:
“I haven’t seen this prank done, but I think it would work if you have a secretary who is unusually clueless about technology. Tell the secretary that some other department is out of copier paper and ask him/her to fax some blank pages, just enough to hold them until their paper shipment comes in.”
NewMexiKen saw Zodiac last night. It was good; somewhat in the way the Law & Order is good, but that’s OK. It left a lasting-enough impression that Jake Gyllenhaal — or the character he played — or someone who looked like him — was in an uncomfortable dream I had early this morning.
Aretha Franklin is 65 today and Elton John is 60. Throw in Anita Bryant, who is 67, and Nick Lowe, who is 58, and March 25th is a pop music birthday bonanza.
Marcia Cross is 45 and Sarah Jessica Parker is 42.
I thought The Wisdom of Children was funny when I read it yesterday. Veronica sent the link a few hours later, so between the two of us it must be good.
From Scribd, 16 things it takes most of us 50 years to learn. I’ll give you a few:
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Link via kottke.
At Shakespeare’s Sister, serious matters:
“Our current task, as Serious Bloggers, is to pass judgment upon whether the Muffin Joke is funny.”
Click and go read the muffin and the African waterhole jokes.
Ratings of professors:
Teen girl #1: Okay. Maybe I’m, like, retarded for not knowing this, but…did you guys know that other countries have national anthems, too?
Teen girl #2: Duh! It’s the same song, in different languages!
–Bay Ridge
Overheard in New York [from last March]
With glee, the Sunday Source announces its first-ever Peeps Diorama Contest.
Read that sentence again if you like.
We’re serious. It’s the start of Peeps season, when those marshmallowy chicks and rabbits clog checkout lines. Now you have an incentive to buy them (or use the ones that have been languishing in your pantry the past three Easters).
We want you to make a diorama of a famous occurrence or scene. It can be a historic or current event, or it can be a nod to pop culture. The one rule is that all the characters in the diorama must be played by Peeps.
(Our ideas? “The Peeple v. Larry Flynt.” Or Penelopeep Cruz in “Volver.” Or a scene from MTV’s “Peep My Ride.”)
The Official Winner of the “Not My Job” Contest. Click, it’s a photo. And funny.
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