Rhetorical mooning

NewMexiKen first posted this four years ago after Debby had posted it elsewhere:

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After she finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

This story has been around the Internet since at least 1995. According to the Urban Legends Reference Pages —

Although it might possibly have earlier antecedents as yet unknown to us, the origin of this tale appears to be a joke Johnny Carson included in his Tonight Show monologue on the evening of 22 July 1969, two days after Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men to set foot on the surface of the moon.

Still one of my favorite signs

First posted here three years ago today:

Taken behind Costco in Manassas, Virginia.

And this item was posted here two years ago today:

The Smoking Gun reports on a 34-year-old female teacher in Delaware having sex with a 13-year-old boy 28 times in one week.

At least that explains the attraction.

Leno

“Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president, which also explains his choice for vice president, Hannah Montana.”

“Hey, did you hear about this? The Pentagon ordered a full inventory of our nuclear arsenal to see what’s missing. Wait, now we can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.”

More Leno (and Letterman, too)

‘Cause it’s good to have the writers back.

There’s some hope, though. According to the San Gabriel Tribune, because of the high price of crude, drilling for oil in LA is profitable. Once again, Los Angeles could see oil wells popping up all over the place. A lot of people say the oil wells would be an eyesore. But, they say not to worry because they’re going to disguise them as cell phone towers.

No, they say Los Angeles could become a major oil-producing region, just like the Middle East. Only, of course, more violent.

And the Department of Homeland Security deported 280,000 illegal immigrants last year. And listen to this. They’re getting tough. They’re threatening to deport them again this year.

Hey, I’ve been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. Boy, it’s really good. You know, it’s fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They’re all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain.

— Jay Leno

There’s a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question No. 1: Is your spouse a governor?

Vice President Dick Cheney. You know where he is right now? He’s in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said it’s a “successful endeavor.” At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.

How about the economy? George Bush earlier today reassured the country about the economy. He said, “I’m on top of it,” and I said to myself, well, that’s good enough for me.

— David Letterman

Spring forward

Really!?!

Bear down

Eliot was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Eliot decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Eliot.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Eliot soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Eliot. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have ‘rough sex’.”

Again, Eliot thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Eliot and tore him a new one. Although he survived, it took several months before Eliot fully recovered.

Now Eliot was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Eliot, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

We’re screwed

Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished.
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

First posted here two years ago.

Best line of the night, so far

“For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think?

Kevin Slota, Optometrist: “My goodness, that means that two out of every 100 adults are failures as parents.”

The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

He makes me want to Ralph

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results of 2008 Election Early

The embedded video wasn’t working, so just follow the link to The Onion.

Tina Fey on Weekend Update

Weekend Update

Tina Fey.

Update: YouTube removed video. Try here.

Thanks to Raymond for the pointer.

Best codgerisms of the day

“I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets ticketed for mowing under the influence. McCain looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. McCain looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. McCain looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine. McCain looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote.”

— David Letterman

More codgerisms

How about that John McCain, though? What do you think of John McCain? I knew he could count on you. He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn’t he a little bit? He looks like the guy who has to always be told something is on his chin. He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned – you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he’s 72 years young. He looks like the guy who’s bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks like the guy who should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa.

— David Letterman

A hypothetical situation

Just take three minutes out of your busy life and go read what Jesus’ General has written and watch the video.

And always let FUBAR be your expectation when experts act.

The TSA Blog

Steve Johnson of the Chicago Tribune has found “the soon-to-be-propagated Rules” for the new Transportation Security Agency blog. The first three:

1. Commenters must arrive at the blog 45 minutes before attempting to post a comment.

2. Comments cannot last more than three paragraphs.

3. Comments that are longer than three paragraphs are subject to confiscation. For more on the handling of comments, see our post, “Why 1-Quart Zip-Loc Bags are Much More Secure than 1-Gallon Zip-Loc Bags.”

Johnson has more. He also has a funny item about spam here.

A scourge for years

Pregnancy FAQs

What with the pregnancy featured in the movie Juno, as a public service to my seven readers NewMexiKen is going to answer some common pregnancy-related questions.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

The Bickersons

Cheers and Jeers is amusing today.

Top Ten Rejected Titles for The George W. Bush Movie

From the home office, Letterman’s Top Ten Rejected Titles for The George W. Bush Movie:

10.”Jackass 3″
9.”The Lyin’ King”
8.”The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009″
7.”Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot”
6.”Dial M For Moron”
5.”Das Boob”
4.”When Sally Met Cheney’s Daughter”
3.”White Men Can’t Govern”
2.”The Nightmare Before Hillary”

And the number one rejected title for George W. Bush Movie:

“Raging Bull****”

Thanks to DP for the pointer!

Barack Obama’s Top Ten Campaign Promises

Number 10: “To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the Situation Room for sweet sixteens”

Number 9: “I will double your tax money at the craps table”

Number 8: “Appoint Mitt Romney Secretary of Lookin’ Good”

Number 7: “If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it”

Number 6: “I’ll put Regis on the nickel”

Number 5: “I’ll rename the tenth month of the year ‘Barack-tober’”

Number 4: “I won’t let Apple release the new and improved iPod the day after you bought the previous model”

Number 3: “I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece”

Number 2: “Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear”

And the number one Barack Obama campaign promise:

“Three words: Vice President Oprah”

Bill Clinton: ‘Screw It, I’m Running For President’

CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he “could no longer resist the urge.”

“My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president,” said Clinton, introducing his wife at a “Hillary ‘08″ rally. “For seven agonizing years, I have sat idly by as others experienced the joys of campaigning, debating, and interacting with the people of this great nation, and I simply cannot take it anymore. I have to be president again. I have to.”

The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

The right person for the job

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles. The woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied, “Divorce attorney.”

You are what you read …

Which newspaper do you read? Check it out at kahunaburger.

How do you rate?

Via Hullabaloo, Roger Ailes’s “Political Junkie Year In Review Contest.” Good stuff.

Fun stuff

Gates appears after 30 seconds but the real fun is the video he introduces. (8:28 total)

Calvin and Hobbes

It appears this site has a complete archive of Calvin and Hobbes. Enjoy!

You didn’t want to do anything today anyway, did you?

Click strip for larger version.

Link found at The Edge of the American West.

In 2007

In 2007 | Funny Video Animation by JibJab.

Thanks to Dwight Perry for the link.

Best file name ever

A friend writes in his Christmas letter that his high-school-age son named a file reallylonghomeworkblahblahblahblah.doc.

I do solemnly swear

In the post before last I wrote about the oath of office for our Congress critters.

Cheers and Jeers suggests new oaths for each party.

Worth an annual viewing

Calvin and Hobbes Snow Art Gallery

‘Avoid Death’

DETROIT — A warning on a small tractor that reads “Danger: Avoid Death” has been chosen as the nation’s wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.

Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.

The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: “Do not iron while wearing shirt.”

Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: “Do not put child in bag.”

USATODAY.com

There’s a few more.

Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper

ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods added yet another accomplishment to his already outstanding résumé Sunday when the 13-time major winner successfully putted his baby daughter, five-month-old Sam Alexis Woods, into a fresh Huggies diaper.

Dressed in his signature red shirt, black pants, and black Nike golf shoes, Woods—who has not played competitive golf in three months in order to stay at home and spend time with his newborn daughter—followed the clutch 12-foot putt with a celebratory fist pump before hugging caddie Steve Williams, who was handling the baby’s skin ointment.

The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

There’s more and the photo is priceless.

The Clocks Just Tick Faster

Teen girl #1: I was thinking about Daylight Savings Time yesterday, and I was wondering… When we, like, lose an hour, are there still 24 hours in a day?

Teen girl #2: Hmmm… I don’t really know… I guess not…

–2 train

Overheard in New York

Obviously tourists from Arizona.

It’s a Wonderful Life

It’s a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds with bunnies.

Cheers and Jeers

Cheers and Jeers has too many LOL lines today for me to try and plagarize excerpt. Go read.

Religious Art

From this week’s Cartoons from The New Yorker.

Gettysburg Address as a PowerPoint Presentation

Gettysburg Cemetery Dedication

Pretty Good Jokes

An old man was lying on his death bed, wishing for one more pleasure out of life. Suddenly, he smelled the scent of cookies coming from the kitchen. With all the strength left in him, he made his way to the kitchen, where his wife was busy baking. It took all he had to reach out for a cookie. Just when he got his hands on one, his wife slapped him on the wrist. “Leave those alone,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

Here’s another, both from A Prairie Home Companion: Pretty Good Jokes.

An atheist was hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and sure enough the bear is gaining on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear catches up to him, so man begins to run, but it’s no use because the bear is right behind him now, with one claw raised high in the air ready to come down on him. The man, gripped with fear, shouts out loud, “Oh dear God, don’t let me die.”

With that everything freezes in time, and the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above. He says “I can save you my son, but first you must believe. Do you believe?”

The man, confused and terrified, says “No, I’m an atheist, you don’t exist.”

God replies, “So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you.”

The man, scrambling to save his life, asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?”

God thinks about this for a minute and replies, “I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian.” And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all it’s momentum, drops to ground dizzy and confused. The man wondering if the bear is now a Christian doesn’t know what to think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear’s eyes get really big which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head. This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying a prayer.

Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive…”