Losing it: But there’s a price for everything

“I have lost 147 pounds. I weigh less than my photo.”

James Lileks is on the Atkins diet.

“Atkins it was, then. Here’s my new diet.

Breakfast: Sixty-seven eggs with cheese. Fourteen strips of bacon washed down with the drippings. The plates are made of sausage; save those for last. If someone offers juice, recoil in horror: Are you trying to KILL me?

Your juiceless future is the hardest thing to accept at first; after all, nothing says Healthful Morning Breakfast like a bright orange glass of citric goodness, but there are 10 billion carbs in a single juice molecule. You could have some toast, but no-carb bread costs too much. All the Atkins stuff is preposterously priced. A package of lo-carb pancake mix costs $6.19. Apparently the process of extracting carbs is hideously expensive. Probably requires zero gravity. That’s what they’re doing on the International Space Station. It’s one big orbital Atkins factory.

Lunch: a small pig.

Supper: Now we get down to the serious business. Good news: It’s steak time! Bad news: It’s steak time! Again! Somewhere in the second week of your new regimen you’ll actually weep at the thought of another bacon-wrapped filet mignon. I can’t do it. I just can’t. I’ve eaten 2.3 cows in the past week. I had a tongue smoothie for an afternoon snack and a butt-steak non-dairy sundae with Bac-o-Bits sprinkles for dessert.

You beg to the ghost of Dr. Atkins: Please, sir, a carrot. One small tiny fresh wet crunchy baby carrot. Don’t tell me to mince some steak and form it into the shape of a carrot. I can’t do it. I need milk! Can’t I have milk? It comes from cows! Can’t we call it liquid steak?

This is the hardest phase, and it passes. I’ve jumped the hump; I’m in that blissful state of ketosis psychosis. I have an absurd amount of energy, and frankly I’ve never felt better. When I’ve lost a few more pounds, I’ll start cutting back on the meat.

Because these daily heart attacks are really getting annoying. Did you know that the ambulances hand out punch cards? They do. My 10th myocardial infarction will be absolutely free.

Read the whole Backfence column.