From The Onion, America’s Finest News Source —
Addressing guests at a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser, George W. Bush pledged Monday that, if re-elected in November, he and running mate Dick Cheney will “restore honor and dignity to the White House.”
“After years of false statements and empty promises, it’s time for big changes in Washington,” Bush said. “We need a president who will finally stand up and fight against the lies and corruption. It’s time to renew the faith the people once had in the White House. If elected, I pledge to usher in a new era of integrity inside the Oval Office.”
Bush told the crowd that, if given the opportunity, he would work to reestablish the goodwill of the American people “from the very first hour of the very first day” of his second term.
“The people have spoken,” Bush said. “They said they want change. They said it’s time to clean up Washington. They’re tired of politics as usual. They’re tired of the pursuit of self-interest that has gripped Washington. They want to see an end to partisan bickering and closed-door decision-making. If I’m elected, I’ll make sure that the American people can once again place their trust in the White House.”
Bush said the soaring national debt and the lengthy war in Iraq have shaken Americans’ faith in the highest levels of government.